Andrew
I am a married woman aged 26 and a mother of a one-year-old son. My hubby and I are both gainfully employed. We stay with his parents because he is an only child. They categorically said no to the idea of us moving out. At first, I did not mind, but now, I am very unhappy because his parents, especially the mother, control our lives. We have differences on many issues, including Christian denominations.
My husband and his parents go to an orthodox church and I go to a Pentecostal church. They forcefully go with my son.
I do not like it and will never join them. Last week, they invited me to their church because my son was being baptised. I do not believe in the process at their church, so I did not go. Water is just sprinkled on someone’s head and that is it. When they came back, there was a war of words because they found me crying. They all accused me of being disobedient, insensitive and stubborn.
To cut a long story short, my husband says he has had enough of me and is ready to part ways with me. He has been speaking to my tete and seems determined to sever ties with me. Amai, is this about the church only or there is more to it? How best can this be resolved because each one of us is standing our ground.
Response
The first issue I deduced from your letter is that you and your husband are not treated as adults. Your husband has to let his parents know he is capable of making binding decisions on his own. If you wish to move out, nothing should stop you. I personally believe in religious tolerance, as well as respect for the beliefs of various institutes and denominations, even within the same religion.
What amazes me about your in-laws’ behaviour is that they fight hard to state that their church is the only “right” one. Christ himself stood for unity and inclusivity. All things considered, I do not think you are all getting the message.
As the child’s mother, you have a right to choose what church he goes to, including where he is baptised.
I think there is a clear disrespect of boundaries. As a family, you need mediation. Are there any senior relatives who can assist?
You need to understand that it is okay to have differences, but, as a family, you must avoid stepping on each other’s toes. You said your hubby has been in contact with tete. Let her know that this is what is transpiring. I think the issue at hand goes much deeper than the baptism episode.
If you do not find a way of respecting your boundaries as a family, you will never get along. I think it should start with your husband asserting his independence and ensure you, guys, live on your own and make important decisions together as a couple.
**************
I fell into the same trap twice
I am a 36-year-old woman and I have been very unlucky in love. I got married to my first husband after a very short courtship. We started on a very bad note because of the fights we always had.
I regretted it but endured the abusive marriage until I had three children. The environment was no longer conducive for my children. I left and we divorced. I promised myself to put all my focus on my kids and forget about remarrying. I managed to go for a whole year with my kids, and someone came into my life as a very dear friend. We had a lot in common; he was a divorcee and a father of two kids. We understood each other. Before we knew it, we were both madly in love.
I found the idea that he had quit drinking and smoking to focus on his life and his kids impressive. We have been dating for almost a year now but everything has changed. He has gone back to his old habits of binge drinking and smoking. He sleeps out, and in most cases, comes home broke. I am six months pregnant. It seems I have fallen into the same trap again. He told me directly that he does not want to get into any legal union again because women are the same. Amai, I cannot think straight. I am confused. What should I do? I am worried about my innocent kids.
Response
Thank you for writing in. Indeed, you have been unlucky in love, and I feel very empathetic towards you. However, you cannot be too hard on yourself. They say hindsight is 20/20. Looking back on it now, it does appear you have fallen into the same trap again. There was no way you could have known it would end this way.
There was no crystal ball that could tell you about this outcome. The writing is on the wall. This man has no desire to be in a serious relationship with you. Let him go. However, make sure he is held accountable and contributes towards the upkeep of this unborn child. As for you, I recommend counselling so you recalibrate and navigate through this crisis.
Your health affects that of the baby as well. Inasmuch as you have been unlucky in love, you have children who look up to you and need your support. Continue to love them unconditionally and you will derive joy and pride in that. As for relationships, take a physical and mental break. Only when you have healed can you try your luck again, but this time, with more discerning judgment. I wish you all the best.
**************
Husband ignores landmarks in my life
Mine is a short and straightforward issue but it is really eating me up. I am in my mid-30s and so is my beloved husband. We get on well as a couple and are great parents of our two-year-old daughter.
We have been married for six years but my husband has never bought me a personal gift, not even a handkerchief or perfume. At work, other women brag about what their husbands bought them for their birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day . . . the list goes on, but in my case, I do not receive anything from my hubby. I feel out of place when this happens. What hurts most is he knows what is expected of a spouse. I recognise important days in his life and that of our kid by buying presents for them.
My question is: Why does he not reciprocate? The festive season is upon us, and I have already bought stuff for him. However, I know there will be nothing for me on Christmas Day. We buy stuff for our parents and he takes part in this, but he does not do likewise for his own wife. I have always wanted to ask him but I believe in keeping my pride. Is this a sign of something? Amai, please help.
Response
Gift giving is a love language and you seem to excel at it. Unfortunately, other people are numb to it. Put your pride aside and tell your husband how his lack of effort in this category makes you feel. The danger lies with you not addressing the matter. Until the elephant in the room is addressed, there will not be any seismic progress in the right direction. At times partners take certain things for granted. A gentle nudge will not hurt. I am sure, it will propel him in the right direction, especially considering this seems to be the only issue he is guilty of.
Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474
Online Reporter