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Charmaine Vongai Mutukwa
My index finger and thumb clinging on to the barrel,
The tip of the pen dancing to a rhythm driven with purpose.
With black ink and blank pages as my dance floor,
I found myself alone.
As the living world become dead to me,
Unnoticed, invisible and unaware.
Taken away and lost in my head,
It all seemed terribly impeccable.
Til I started asking myself, . . .
“Who am I?
“What do I live for?
“Of what worth am I?”
These and more unanswered questions.
A broken and lost little bird,
Unhinged, sociopath maybe?
I was a force not to be reckoned with.
I became bitter, sunk and turned quiet.
Deafening silence.
l turned my back against everyone,
Found composure only in my sleep.
In search of peace,
I was empty, drained, dead and emotionless
Hollow . . .
That was until music,
The melodies gave me life.
That sounds cliché? But it was music.
And when I danced,
My lifeless body seemed so alive
Kept on searching for answers everyday
In the little things . . .
To my monotonous playlist,
SZA, Billie Eilish, Ella Mai,
I was only looking for a way.
Fanta Ratty became my inspiration,
A female voice with so much power.
Pressure crept in, life became so real.
I weighed expectation and reality,
But reality struck so hard,
It left no room for expectation.
In trying so hard,
To always remember not to forget,
Count your blessings child.
Sub-consciously I was full of gratitude,
Had so much to be grateful for,
But nothing to live for sadly.
Like an optimistic fool,
I kept on searching for answers.
I was empty, a glass half full.
Full of questions and no answers.
Justifications as to why?
Why it played out the way it did.
Introversion didn’t turn me bitter.
The world did! The noise did!
Felt like I was peeping inside the life of my favourite SpongeBob SquarePants character, Squidward Tentacles.
He too was an introvert, a bitter one.
Who only wanted peace, but never got it.
An introvert who wanted nothing to do with the world,
An introvert who wanted sleep, but never got any.
An introvert who wanted a long shower without any disruptions.
So I became Squidward Tentacles.
Bitter? Maybe.
I wanted to sleep in silence,
And so I shut everyone out,
I wanted peace!
But what is peace?
When the world is SpongeBob and his best friend is Patrick?
I had to choose.
A choice between happiness and sadness.
I choose to pretend.
I choose to smile on my worst days.
Sink or swim and always find myself floating.
Full of teenage angst.
l grabbed a pen!
And wrestled it against a blank page.
It became crystal clear
As the words poured out.
It was a beautiful experience.
Alas I found my purpose, figured out the answer.
The answer I was desperately searching for.
I used this potential as leverage.
As much as I contradicted,
I am a writer.
I didn’t need perspective or judgement.
It was crystal clear.
That was the answer.
Charmaine Vongai Mutukwa is a Form Two student at Vengere High School in Rusape.
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