adminDr Machinga
SOMEONE recently asked me, “Dr Machinga what do you think of partners who are always on their phones, or those who lock their cell phones so that their partners cannot have access.”
We ended the conversation in a very interesting manner that motivated me to write this article. Believe me or not, cellphones when they work the way they are supposed to, they are remarkable and very handy gadgets. But when they are used to cause hurt and pain, that becomes a problem. Cellphones can be a life saver, but can also create unwelcome interruption. When couples are fighting about time spent on cellphones at the expense of their relationship, this is a problem isn’t it? Then you have to deal with it positively.
As a psychotherapist I am amazed by some of the cell phone stories that I have heard as I do my work. Arguments that are occurring because of something that was texted. A common example is a spouse who discovers that his wife or husband is secretly having frequent cellphone conversations with someone. This problem has gotten to be a fairly common problem among couples or lovers. This applies to married people, engaged people or those still in courtship relationships. What happens is that a spouse or lover often never suspects that their loved one is having intimate conversations with someone else throughout the day. When confronted, the secretive partner often defends the messages by saying that the other person is just a friend, or a workmate, a church colleague etc. I have heard of a spouse never leaving their cellphone unattended or couples who do not permit partners to answer their phones. The other thing is inappropriate texting or spouses who lock their phones so that their partners cannot access, creating passwords and so forth. The rule in these situations is “DO NOT TOUCH, DO NOT ANSWER.”
While security measures are important on your cell phone, it does not have to be for your spouse.
As my colleague marriage counselor, Dr Nancy Wasson, says: “Secret phone calls are indicators of emotional affairs. Even if sex was never involved, emotional affairs take energy and focus away from the marriage and provide an escape from tackling marriage problems directly.”
She goes on to say: “Secret cellphone calls can be viewed as a crack in the marriage foundation that needs prompt attention.” What does that mean? How is this problematic?
When all the above is happening, this may mean that trust or love has been damaged and fast action is needed to address the issue. Remember, It is not always a big issue that breaks up a marriage or an affair. Sometimes it is a lot of smaller problems that are never addressed in time.
This issue of restricting use of cellphone to your spouse is one of the smaller problems.
If you look at a lot of causes of divorce, infidelity, family discord, and financial problems, just to name a few, you will find the violation of trust at the heart of all of them. This is what secrecy cellphone use entails. Here are some hints that may help safeguard your marital relationship:
1. Use your cellphone to connect with your spouse and not to hurt each other
2. Open up the door for honest communication with your spouse – Be prepared to talk about issues that may not be clear in you love relationship.
3. Protect your marital relationship from the secrecy that is going on – Set and discuss safeguards with your spouse.
3. Establish personal boundaries as a part of everyday life with friends, co-workers, clients etc to safeguard that which is most important to you, your spouse.
4. Set your relationship status to married and keep it that way
5. How about willingly and lovingly sharing your username and password with your spouse.
6. Control use of cell phone when at home except in emergency cases. Remember you are not married to a cellphone. Respect each other and spent quality time together.
7. Trust is a vital component in your marriage. Lose that and you’ve got a long uphill battle trying to get it back. So the next time you consider locking your cellphone, think about how it will make your spouse feel and why you would want to limit their access. What does this mean to your relationship?
8. Remember, cellphone privacy should not be an issue for a couple that are supposed to “be one and who love each other. If that is happening, it is a HUGE red flag that something is wrong in the marriage, so talk about it lovingly or get help from a marriage counselor.
For marriage counseling, marriage education seminars and other mental health issues contact Dr Mazvita Machinga Ph.D. a trained and qualified Psychotherapist in Mutare who offers psychotherapy and professional counseling [email protected] or call 0771 754 519.
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