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Vaidah Mashangwa
This article is a follow-up to a recent story published in Chronicle that divorce cases were on the increase in Bulawayo according to the High Court in Bulawayo.
The undesirable results of a marriage breakdown are a cause for concern whether the breakdown affects only a few couples or more. Once couples get married, it is important for both individuals to move away from functioning as two separate independent personalities towards pair identification so that from the onset, the couple operates on a common footing and understanding.
One author stated that the main cause of divorce is divorce. When friends or relatives go through a divorce process, a young couple may think that it is the only way out of marital problems. It must be borne in mind that at times couples can actually overcome difficulties through constructive communication and criticism. There are of course some broken marriages where nothing could or can be done and divorce becomes inevitable.
Divorce should be considered as an ultimate solution to be resorted to only if all other means of adjustment fail.
Some authors also argue that gone are the days when a woman was only safe in marriage. Nowadays women are more secure economically as well as emotionally at ease and have more freedom over an unsatisfactory marriage. Some women even give their children assurance of a better future outside a troubled marriage.
According to the book Making the Most in Marriages, the long-term national trend of divorce has shown an upward trend. Of the marriages that took part in 1900, only one in 12 terminated in divorce. In 1922, one in eight ended in divorce. Currently, almost one in four terminate in divorce.
It seems the traditional goal of marriage, until death do us apart, is now held in less esteem. A new equation has been developed by society that is: unhappy marriage equals divorce.
An analysis of age at marriage and its effect on the divorce rate suggests that there is a correlation between the two. Marriage at an early age fuels divorce. In addition, the longer the marriage survives, the less likelihood that it will end up in divorce. The peak in a number of divorces comes in the third year of marriage and drops sharply after the seventh year.
At times marriages that are terminated are not usually the unhappy ones. Some unhappy couples continue to live together for a lifetime. On the other hand, some couples simply stay together because they are devout Christians. Couples who are indifferent to religion and are unhappy usually settle for divorce. Apart from that, a woman with little education or no earnings is more likely to remain in an unhappy marriage than a woman with a profession.
Research has also revealed that a person whose family has a history of divorce is likely to end up in an unhappy marriage with divorce. The history in this case includes grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles. It is unfortunate that couples who remained in an unhappy marriage were less healthy, that is, they suffered from physical disabilities, chronic illness neurosis and depression than those happily married.
In some instances unhappy couples may have affairs in search of solace or as a sign of revenge to the other party’s wrongdoing, or as a test to check whether it is possible to find another relationship if the marriage breaks up. This also places the parties at a greater risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases and HIV and Aids.
Men more than women tend to find a temporary relationship before they can make up a rational decision to end up a failed marriage. Women seem to be able to move out of an intolerable situation through divorce and are not prepared to get immediately involved in a substitute relationship. Women should not be used by men in such situations as the relationship is usually temporary and is stopped once the marriage ends.
One aspect to note is that when choosing a mate to marry people should be alert to traits of marriageability or unmarriageability that are already developed. Some people are more marriageable than others; some will probably have difficulty no matter whom they married.
In order to find out common grievances married people had against their spouses, 792 husbands and 792 wives were interviewed and the top 10 rank order of marital grievances for husbands against their wives were: nagging, not affectionate, selfish and inconsiderate, complaining too much, interfering with hobbies, slovenly in appearance, quick tempered, interfering with their discipline, conceited and insincere.
On the other hand wives had the following grievances against their husbands: selfish and inconsiderate, unsuccessful in business, untrustworthy, complaining too much, lack of affection, inability to talk things over, and harshness with children and lack of interest in children, lack of interest in the home. This can be a good checklist for one as a husband or wife and partners.
Vaidah Mashangwa is provincial development officer, Bulawayo, in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development. She can be contacted on [email protected]
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