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Laina Makuzha LOVE by DESIGN
This week we continue with the second half of the topic covered last week about some of the relationship challenges encountered by individuals that lacked love in childhood. The article is not prescriptive as always, but seeks only to share experiences, successes and challenges, and together explore possible solutions with some input from experts as well where possible.
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Part 2
From observation, I would go so far as saying sometimes such individuals find it challenging to accept or appreciate love in adulthood; and this causes all kinds of problems with the people who actually do love them.
Lack of trust
“Trust issues” are another common consequence of being unloved by parents growing up.
“Children who are not raised in safe, loving, respectful, and consistent environments tend to grow up feeling very unsafe and untrusting,” explains Manly. As a result, they tend to experience challenges trusting themselves and others throughout life. “This deep sense of distrust can create a dynamic of trusting those who are not trustworthy while being untrusting of those who are trustworthy. On the other end of the spectrum, can cause a child to create strong defences that lead to an inability to trust anyone.”
Difficulties navigating boundaries
Boundaries are learned. So if your family of origin didn’t model healthy boundaries, you might lack the skills to navigate them as an adult.
According to Manly, your boundaries might become overly porous or rigid. This can lead to you potentially:
Being taken advantage of
Taking advantage of others
Keeping your guard up for “protection”
Creating barriers to healthy relationships
“They might also experience co-dependency, (which might mean) they’re subconsciously looking to ‘fix’ the caregiver formative attachment experience,” adds Paloma Collins.
Choosing toxic friends and partners
“Children who grow up in toxic environments necessarily accept unhealthy environments as ‘normal,'” says Manly. By attempting to cope by rationalising the irrational, she notes that you can become comfortable and “at home” in similar situations in the future.
“The child will mature into an adult who unconsciously craves the familiar, ‘comfortably uncomfortable’ toxic dynamics of childhood,” she adds. “The now-adult will unconsciously choose friends and partners who seem palatable and even healthy yet ultimately perpetuate the negative patterns witnessed and lived in childhood.”
Dominated by fear of failure
According to Manly, fear of failure can stem from receiving “love” from parents that’s conditional and based on performance.
“When a child’s parents withhold love or offer only criticism, the child grows up feeling incredibly insecure on the deepest of levels,” she says. “A fear of failure can wreak havoc on a child’s — and adult’s — ability to take healthy risks and expand personally and professionally.” They may also have a fear of loving.
Feelings of isolation
“Many ‘lone wolf’ types are actually adults who learned early in life that relying on others for love and connection is unsafe,” says Manly.
“This deeply rooted feeling of ‘being alone in the world’ often creates unconscious habits that persist into adulthood,” she explains. As a result, they might tend to isolate themselves through life. You might even know someone in that predicament.
Extreme sensitivity
According to Manly, extreme sensitivity (or insensitivity) can result when parents:
Invalidate a child’s experiences
Do not model healthy emotional sensitivity
Ignore the importance of emotional regulation and processing as one can imagine, “… of course some children are innately more sensitive than others, yet extreme sensitivity is often the result of a lack of caregiver attunement in early life,” she adds.
Feeling conflicted and generally insecure
“When parents do not model stable, healthy, secure, and loving behaviour, a child will often grow up feeling chronically destabilised and insecure,” says Manly.
As adults, they may seem to be secure or confident. But she notes that their “internal conflict and insecurity often create significant intrapersonal and interpersonal disruption.”
Mental health conditions
It’s also possible to develop mental health conditions as a result of growing up without love from parents.
Research suggests that child emotional neglect or abuse can have long-lasting mental health impacts. According to a 2016 study, some mental health conditions that may arise from childhood emotional maltreatment include:
Anxiety disorders, depression, dissociative symptoms, substance use disorder,phobias and general fears, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
A 2017 study indicates that knowing whether or not a person experienced emotional neglect or felt unwanted as a child is important for developing a helpful treatment plan which is critical for the individual to enjoy a healthy, well balanced life. It is up to parents as well as the individual struggling with effects of a lack of love to work on the healing process, engage, acknowledge one another and together find ways to do better, even professional help. Doing the work can be challenging, but the outcome is worth it. You deserve to heal from the inside out, in order to live your best life.
Let’s keep the conversation going if you have comments, questions and experiences to share on the topic.
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Peter Tanyanyiwa
Online Reporter