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Laina Makuzha LOVE by DESIGN
Part 1
It is always heart-warming to see couples who exude love and set an example by raising their children with love, healthy attention and care that shows they matter, they are loved and wanted. On the flip side, if you had an unloving childhood and your emotional needs went unmet by your parents or caretakers, you are not alone.
This experience is common, and the effects can run deep and long term. According to the attachment theory, parents are attachment figures. As such, parental love has an unparalleled influence on a child’s character, personality development and outcomes.
“Parenting and early life experiences set the stage for a child’s sense of what it is to be loved and safe in an often-confusing world,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD from Santa Rosa, California. “When a child is neglected, rejected, or abused, the sense of being unloved — and deeply unlovable — tends to persist and affect all areas of that individual’s life.”
There are various types of personalities and behaviours in adult relationships that some attribute to a childhood devoid of love.
Feeling unloved as a child can have long-lasting effects, from lack of trust, low self-esteem, to mental health conditions, but healing is possible, say experts. Children who grow up without love and without learning from healthy relationships, often carry similar patterns forward into adulthood, unaware of the cycle they are perpetuating.
But blaming parents or family of origin for destructive behaviours doesn’t help the situation but just fuels pain and bitterness. However, “… there is great benefit in understanding and healing so as to not perpetuate the damage done, “says Manly.
How can parents rewire the way they raise their children to incorporate love in order for healthy nurturing that will work towards a more balanced loving adult?
Sometimes parents don’t know it all, and they can find themselves falling short in some areas of child rearing, in the midst of all the pressures of trying to fend for the said family. They too can learn a thing or two as there’s always room for improvement. However, there’s a Shona proverb: “Mugoni wepwere ndeasinayo”, which some folks seem to interpret as implying that when it comes to how to raise children, just mind your own business — and they therefore tend to hold back on any parental advice they may have for someone, just to avoid offending the parent(s).
However, sometimes it helps to learn better ways that promote more love. Learning the potential effects of an unloving childhood is also a great place to start the correction or healing process. Consider these observations noted below on what happens when a child doesn’t feel loved growing up; and see if you or someone you know, can identify with any of them — in which case there would be need for a healing process:
Insecure attachment style
A 2018 study states that the attachment theory can help us understand how our formative relationships as children might impact how we navigate connection as adults.
“When a person’s first attachment experience is being unloved, this can create difficulty in closeness and intimacy, creating continuous feelings of anxiety and avoidance of creating deep meaningful relationships as an adult,” says Nancy Paloma Collins, LMFT in Newport Beach, California. Both Manly and Paloma Collins suggest that an insecure attachment style from an unloving childhood can ultimately impact:
How you communicate your emotions and needs
How you understand the emotions and needs of your partners
How you respond to conflict
How you self-regulate
Your expectations of partners and relationships
How you navigate life, work, and relationships in adulthood
Undeveloped emotional intelligence
Generally children’s brains are like sponges. Manly puts it this way: “They see, feel, and notice parents’ behaviours, attitudes, and energy. If parents don’t model healthy emotional intelligence, their children won’t develop strong emotional intelligence.” Even if your parents didn’t model it in childhood, she notes that a healthy “EQ” can be built with self-awareness of the deficit and consistent action taken toward improving it.
Impaired sense of self
“Given that children look to their parents and caregivers for a sense of who they are, parents who do not show their children genuine, unconditional love tend to create lasting harm to their children’s sense of self,” says Manly.
She explains that an impaired sense of self usually develops when a child feels:
Unloved, unwanted, rejected,neglected, abandoned, chronically criticised
Paloma Collins adds that folks who felt unloved as a child might also feel like they’re “not good enough”.
To be continued
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