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Laina Makuzha
Love by Design
Let it go this Valentine — you know what I’m talking about — the drama, the petty fights over who should do what, who should buy what for who. Valentine or not, you can find joy in your relationship.
Do what you and your partner want to do on this day, not what society dictates. Gifting should be heartfelt, and voluntary, even better if reciprocal. You shouldn’t be under the kind of pressure I see some people under in the days leading to Valentine’s Day.
Much has been written about the origins of Valentine’s Day with a few variations to the story, and we shan’t go into that. For as long back as I can remember, February has always been a month with showers of love, colourful billboards and posters dotted around cities.
Shops awash with Valentine’s Day decor and love themes are a common sight — which in many ways, has often ignited the mood for love.
Musicians too, radio stations and restaurants would host love-themed evenings, pulling out their ultimate romantic playlists to spice up the day. Indeed a season that I used to see inspiring new relationships, mending some broken relationships, sometimes even inspiring marriage proposals.
While some loved ones and friends exchange gifts, flowers, chocolates and share meals, and secret admirers fire their shots, hinting at some mysterious love interest, the day isn’t all about flowers and gifts. For some it’s also just another day, which is perfectly in order. Different people have different beliefs and preferences and may not necessarily participate in the day’s fun activities. Couples, even countries and cultures celebrate love in ways that best suit them.
However it ceases to be fun when some folks make it all about almost “forced” and one-sided public display — demanding it, challenging their partners to show off to the world — by buying expensive gifts, and flowers when probably they are not really in a position to do so. It’s all very well if this love or admiration has depth or roots that go beyond Valentine’s Day.
Don’t get me wrong, I actually totally enjoy flowers or a little surprise chocolate and such. But if those flowers are only for show — keeping up appearances while behind the scenes that display of love is not complemented, then aiwa, I’ll take a rain check.
The important thing, as I see it, is to be sincere, with nothing to prove. Nowadays Valentine’s is a pale shadow of itself in my view, perhaps owing to many different factors. There appears to be more discontent, jokes and memes about Valentine’s Day, with some suggesting that women largely expect to receive, without giving. Is it true though that women make a fuss and create such an imposition on their men to deliver some impressive feat on Valentine’s Day while they do nothing or give nothing?
All too often, something as fleeting as one day of “flower showers” can spoil a couple’s happiness for some time if it doesn’t go as expected by either partner — and you find yourselves in a season of unnecessary strife.
Whether you believe in celebrating love on Valentine’s Day or not, you can survive the day with as much fun and joy as you would do any other day. But year after year, there are those who celebrate this day in a big way or small ways but still saying I love you, not for show but in the spirit of making the day fun for their partner. Some argue that they do celebrate love all year round, so they don’t need to be told or directed by a day set aside. What are your views on that?
For those who just want to take up the challenge to be a better partner to their significant other, there are so many ways to do that without costing you an arm and a leg in these tough times.
The One Love Foundation, created in 2010 to honour the memory of Yeardley Love, a University of Virginia senior who was killed by her ex-boyfriend just weeks before graduation recently launched #LoveBetter, a new campaign aimed at helping humanity everywhere learn more about healthy relationship behaviours and committing to being in healthier relationships with the people we love.
So, how can you do your part to love better? Saying the words “I Love You” is definitely important, but only if you’re ready to say them out loud. While it’s valuable to use your words to express your appreciation, there are plenty of ways to show your significant other that you care without ever saying a word — the epitome of action speaking louder than words.
With this in mind, my selection of tips this week offers a few paraphrased ideas from One Love Foundation. See how you feel about these and share your tips too via the feedback details at the end of this article.
Be an active listener:
There’s a big difference between hearing and actively listening. As they say — if you know, you know . . . For most of us, hearing simply happens. Our ears automatically perceive sound. In contrast, listening is something you consciously choose to do. In other words, a good listener pays attention with the intention of understanding the other person. This involves not just passively absorbing what the other person is saying but actively participating in the conversation by asking thoughtful questions.
Even in general interaction with other people apart from your significant other, how many of us make time for really listening to understand?
How many times do you wait to hear someone’s response after asking them “How are you?” I’ve been guilty of sometimes not listening long enough for the person to finish their sentence in response.
But One Love suggests that good listeners also pay attention to how their significant other is telling them something.
Be specific and deliberate:
For deeper communication with your loved one, ask your partner how they are doing but be specific.
Ask them about that project they’ve been working on since the start of the year. Ask them about their new boss. This sounds simple enough but we often get so caught up in the routine of a relationship that we forget to really connect with our partners. However, asking in this way will show that you care about what is going on in their life.
Exercise some good social etiquette -don’t scroll and talk!
Indeed, we live in a highly connected world thanks to social media. While being tuned in is great for your social life online, it’s not always great for your relationship. How many times have you been caught scrolling your social media platforms instead of chatting up your partner?
It’s now common for couples to each be checking out email or something else on their device, while simultaneously holding a conversation. No eye contact, no real investment in the conversation and sometimes the message is lost in that process, as well as the opportunity to have meaningful communication. Sometimes it’s just good to disconnect from all these gadgets and focus on being in the moment with your partner or family as a whole.
Make time for your partner
So perhaps you really wanted to go out with your friends or catch that new art exhibition, music show or soccer match, but you realise it’s been a couple of weeks since you and your significant other have spent quality time together. You may feel like you’re missing out if you don’t go with your friends, but compromising to make time for your partner shows how much you care.
Of course, you shouldn’t be expected to spend all of your time with your partner but making an effort to include them in your plans is totally worth it, like your own date night not induced on Valentine’s Day only for instance. A healthy relationship gives each person room to pursue their interests while also creating time for each other. Being obsessed or clingy can be a put off.
Make your loved one’s favourite dinner (or breakfast in bed)
It’s easy to just go out to eat together and with so many dining choices it can become something you start doing mechanically. To spice things up a bit and do something special for your partner, try preparing their favourite dinner, or making them breakfast in bed. You can even make it more fun by preparing the recipe together.
Valentine or no Valentine, may you find joy in the things that matter to you the most. A portion of scripture that comes to mind is Philippians 4v 4,6-7: Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice.
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Here’s to a beautiful, romantic Valentine’s Day to all who celebrate love on the day. I wish nothing but love for every beautiful soul .
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