adminDear Coleen
I HAVE been with my partner for 16 years. I’m 32 and he’s 34, and we have three wonderful children together.
But I work and he doesn’t, and it’s starting to make me resent him. He’s at home all day and yet he does nothing.
I have to clean up all the mess after a nine-hour shift, and it seems he’s not bothered about finding a job.
I’m starting to connect with a guy at work and it’s made me think about my relationship and where it’s going.
What should I do?
Coleen says
OK, you’re not going to like this, but he’s not doing stuff partly because you’re letting him.
After a nine-hour shift you’re still going home and cleaning the house. If you keep doing it, there’s no reason for him to change.
Yes, he absolutely needs to start pulling his weight, but you both need to start thinking more as a team and helping each other.
Stop clearing up when you get home. Instead, tell him you’re not going to lift a finger until you both sit down and talk about dividing up the jobs.
I imagine he’s looking after the children at least some of the time while you’re a work, so you need to take that into account.
Being a stay-at-home parent is not an easy option.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of looking to someone else for the answers, but I’d advise you to attempt to sort out things at home first then see if the guy at the office still seems attractive.
If you have an affair behind your partner’s back, you’ll be the bad girl who let your family down – he’ll play the “poor me” card.
I found out recently that my boyfriend of eight months promised his sperm to his ex-girlfriend so she could have a baby via IVF
Dear Coleen
I found out recently that my boyfriend of eight months promised his sperm to his ex-girlfriend so she could have a baby via IVF.
He went ahead with it and it’s possible she’s now pregnant.
It’s nearly a month since the procedure, but he claims he hasn’t heard anything about the result.
He didn’t tell me about his promise, by the way – I found out from his phone the weekend before she was going to the clinic to have the embryos implanted.
In addition to this, I also found sexual messages between them, so I believe there is more to their arrangement than he’s letting on.
He says the messages meant nothing and he only sent them to keep her sweet.
Before all of this happened we were arguing a lot, and I felt he was verbally abusive and very controlling about what I did and who I spoke to.
I’m 28 and I feel like leaving him, but at the same time I want to support him.
I don’t feel he loves me, even though he says he does.
I wish it would work out – I’ve lost all hope in relationships, and can’t even think about meeting anyone else.
Coleen says
I would run for the hills – simple as that.
Who does he think he is? This arrangement with his ex is a huge deal. It’s the kind of conversation you have straightaway when you meet someone new.
He should have been upfront about it from the start, so you had the opportunity to discuss it and then decide how you felt about it.
He’s supposed to love and respect you, but he doesn’t feel it’s important to tell you something this big!
And, if she is pregnant, then he will be tied to this woman for ever.
As for the sexual texts, of course they are totally crossing the line, and I don’t believe his explanation.
Why do you feel you have to hang around to support him?
You’ve said he’s controlling and verbally abusive, and now he’s betrayed you by doing this behind your back.
At 28, you’re still so young and don’t need to hang around for this loser.
I know you can’t bear the thought of meeting anyone else and starting all over again but, when you do meet someone, you’ll wonder why you ever wasted time on this guy.
Please just walk away.
Dear Coleen:
After 47 years of marriage my husband has told me it’s over
It’s clear he has no respect for me – he is always chatting to other women when we are out together
Dear Coleen: After forty seven years, husband says it’s all over
Dear Coleen
I have been married for 47 years and have recently found out that my husband does not want to be with me any more.
He just keeps saying that we “don’t get on”.
It’s clear he has no respect for me – he is always chatting to other women when we are out together, which we do a couple of times a week.
The rest of the time he goes out on his own.
The thing is, I don’t know if I could manage on my own. I’m very scared of the next step and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?
Coleen says
Feeling scared is completely natural in your situation.
I think the biggest shock when my first marriage ended was that fear of not knowing what to do – I didn’t even know where to start.
And you can sit there and let that feeling envelop you or you can make an appointment to see a solicitor and get some advice.
Sometimes just taking that next step empowers you.
I know it’s horrendous and a huge shock after 47 years with someone, but you don’t want to spend the rest of your days being told you’re not loved any more just because you’re worried at being on your own.
A solicitor will be able to tell you what happens next and give you that logical guidance.
And confide in family and close friends because you are going to have angry days and depressing days, and other times where you feel OK.
It’s important to have people to sound off to instead of bottling everything up.
Perhaps a friend could even go with you to see a solicitor.
And it’s good to have someone when those moments of weakness strike, so they can build you up.
I couldn’t have gone through my divorce without my girlfriends who picked me up on days when I didn’t want to get out of bed.—Online
Online Reporter