Love and deception

WE are all responsible for the choices we make in life, though sometimes we are deceived by those we love. As people, we should personally be responsible for our own thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and interpretations of situations. Our thoughts lead to our feelings and in turn our thoughts and feelings influence our behaviours.

Why do people talk about the future (often unprompted), make plans with you, and take you down a merry path of believing them, when in fact, they have no intention of coming anything close to doing any of these things?

This week my inbox was filling up with emails from women and men who are bewildered by the deceptiveness of people they have been involved with and I was drawn into writing about this because of the identical series of events, so much for believing in people. I do not have the answers as to why people do all these things and fake a future but all I can say is everyone trying their luck in the dating scene should be on the lookout for people who just want to fake a future with you.

The festive season that is upon us does not make it any easier so please be warned! It is wrong for someone to fake a future with you, particularly at a time of year when everyone around you seems to be making plans and you also go on to make plans with Mr/Miss Never. It’s hard to deny that, as a society, there’s a lot to be examined about the ethics of our own relationships and at some point each one of us may be guilty of faking the future, sad but true.

Since when did lying or faking become okay? Lying to someone, especially someone close to us, is one of the most basic violations of a person’s human rights. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of lying or faking is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner.
I think that two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden violation of the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal and faking the future unethical.

This week our column is on a man who was sold dreams and led on to plan the future only to be left with a broken heart.

My story is complex and long and it is full of manipulation and foolish moves on my part, but what one thinks is love, especially first love, can turn a man into a fool and I must admit it because I have been there.

I was taken for a fool and on a ride that I totally enjoyed till she left me with all my savings only to discover she was “married” to her baby daddy. When my girlfriend left, me I was devastated. You see getting dumped is one thing. You experience rejection by someone you love and hold dearly and it is definitely painful but being lied to and literally promised the world only to be left with a heartbreak is really painful and words cannot do justice in describing how I felt.

It felt as if it had literally torn my heart open. The emotional pain was so bad it turned into physical pain combined with the worst type of anxiety I have ever experienced.

I had been saving money (for lobola and wedding) during my relationship with this woman and I openly talked about my plans for the future as she always told me how she was trying to stay clear of her first “mistake”. She was the perfect woman and always spoke about the future, she never lived in the moment but always planned ahead and little did I know that the one thing I admired about her the most would leave me heartbroken.

She was planning ahead as she lied to me, sucked me dry and left me to be with her husband. I loved her child like my own and I always went out of my way to do things for them just to make her happy. She deceived me and vanished into thin air with all my savings only to discover that she had left the country for South Africa to be with her “lover”, the man she claimed to hate.

I gave her all my savings when she convinced me of a business venture that would generate a lot of profit and I happily gave her all my money. I had tried to convince her to let me use the money for its purpose and make her my wife but she insisted that starting a business made more sense. I was floored by her reasoning and she told me that she was not in a hurry to get married and she would rather see me succeed than have me pay for her hand in marriage.

I never suspected a thing until after weeks when I could not get a hold of her. I did not know where to start looking for her and I was worried sick thinking that something bad had happened to her until one of her very few friends I knew decided to put me out of my misery and told me that she had left for South Africa to be with her husband.

I did not know that she was married as she had told me a soapy story about her “unwanted” child and had me fooled while I tried to play hero the whole time I was with her. She had kept me a secret from her parents and always claimed that she wanted to do things the right way this time and that introductions would be done when I set a date for lobola negotiations.

She never stayed over at my house and that made me want to “wife” her even more because I longed to be with her. When her “parents” called while she was at my house, I would have to be silent. She always promised that she would tell them about me when the time came, but as the years went by, this seemed more and more like some fairytale.

Sometimes, I would protest. However, this would throw her into a fit, and she would accuse me of not believing that she loved me and in the long-run this cost me as I often had to buy “peace offerings” so I decided to stop with the accusations and believe whatever she told me, ridiculous as it would sound.

There were many other manipulations along the way, and yet still, I would just take them all. Soon, I found myself living my life for her, I was dropping my plans for hers and she had me wrapped around her finger. I was never able to explore my own interests, always having to cater for her and her child’s needs.

I never asked myself whether I was happy, instead I focused all my energy on her happiness and working hard to please her. I was left with an open broken heart and sadly I was too embarrassed to share my story with anyone because I had been fooled and had bought into a dream that was not mine.

I can never fully recover from this blow but I hope that one day I will move on with my life and learn to trust and believe again.

Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.

Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us email [email protected]