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Arthur Marara Point Blank
There are two ways to die quickly, 1. Choose the wrong career, and 2. Choose the wrong person for marriage. All this will strain you to the bone. There are people right now who dread going to their offices regardless of the fact that they are driving top of the range vehicle and have an air conditioned office, and many other perks. Similarly, there are many people who actually dread going home regardless of the fact that they have a beautiful, hot or handsome spouse, and a beautiful house. A healthy marriage or relationship can be a source of inspiration while an unhealthy one can be the source of all frustration and misery.
You do not build a great relationship by love alone. It is not enough. We opened this conversation last week. This message needs to go to the crop of young would be couples who are excited by love and can’t wait to turn this to a marriage. Marriage is not a holiday trip; it is a life time journey. A wedding is one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. If you want to see what eternity looks like, get married to a “wrong” person. Time does not move. Love is what remains when all the excitement and all that you were expecting has disappeared.
The years I have been a practising attorney, speaker and author I have seen a lot happening in marriages and relationships. I trust you have also seen some marriages or relationships that are troubled. I have also witnessed some amazing marriages, and couples. I am sure we can learn a lot from them.
There is nothing as tormenting and traumatising as an unstable relationship. You can have all the money, all the cars, and luxury but this fact will always take away sleep from you. There are people right now who are at this stage, and some may actually be reading this article. I have deliberately dedicated this series to share some thoughts which might help those who are single or thinking of getting married at some point in time. This can also help those who are already married.
Love yourself first
This is the bit that many people have never paid attention to. You will never truly love another person until you have learnt the art of truly loving yourself. I hear many people rushing to tell people, “I love you”. The answer is not “I love you too”. The answer is “Do you love you.”
A number of marriages/relationships are suffering at the hands of people who never took time to love themselves. There is no person who truly love themselves will get the energy to beat their spouse or be abusive. There is no who truly love themselves will create a living hell for other people. If you do not understand self-love you will create a living hell for other people who you claim to love. You can never be able to do for other people what you have failed to for yourself. People do not understand the concept of self-love, and hence the negative attitude towards it.
If I am going to love you better, I need to learn to love myself better. I cannot give you what I do not have. This is the first assignment that you have. Learn to create time for yourself, spoil and pamper yourself, take yourself out, and take good care of yourself. You will not have any problems doing this for anyone else if you have managed to do it for yourself.
Be clear on what love is
A lot of people have told people “I love you” without knowing what LOVE is. There are married people who do not have an understanding of what love is? How do you define love in your relationship/marriage? Is that definition mutual? Some people even search for love without even knowing what they are searching for. Have an understanding of what love is.
A lot of problems in relationships/marriages emanate from a misunderstanding of what love is. Do not work with assumptions, or try to import experiences from your previous marriage and think that somehow it will be compatible with your next partner. If those things could not work in the past why do you think they will work now?
Some define love in terms of presence, other in terms of presents, some in terms of money, some in terms of messages etc. I trust by now you may be aware of are called, The Five Languages of Love, you need to understand your partner’s love language or languages, be willing to pay the price. Remember the conversation we had last week, never lose it. Love your partner in the way that they define and understand love. This is the bit that most people are missing to the detriment of their relationships.
Be authentic
This is one of the challenges of our society, it is constantly pushing people into marriages and relationships, I will touch on this in the next article. Do not be forced into a relationship, or marry in order to make someone happy. The someone includes your partner. It’s either you are ready for marriage or not. Marriage/ relationship is a personal decision that calls for originality and simplicity. You can lie to other people, but you can never successfully lie to yourself. One of the easiest ways to be frustrated in a relationship/marriage is to enter into it with an artificial image.
It has often been said by an Unknown Author, “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener.” You should also be clear about your partner’s motive for being in a relationship. Why are you in that relationship in the first place. What is your goal for being in a relationship. Many people have spent years and years in relationships without a clear understanding of where they are going. They even waste considerable amounts of time in the name of “I want to get to know you” but when it comes to being physically intimate they move at the speed of Wi-Fi. This explains why many people at the end of the day feel “used” and “abused” in their relationships. Where there is no clear vision and purpose in a relationship, parties abuse each other.
Work on being Mr/Mrs Right
Instead of searching for Mr/Miss Right, work on being Mr/Miss Right. Perfect partners or spouses exist in the mind. The world has real partners and spouses. Marriage is not meant for angels, but for human beings who have their shortcomings. You will find imperfect people, the same way you are imperfect. Marriage is about imperfect people, going into a perfect institution (marriage).
You want an amazing person? Are you amazing yourself? You want a faithful person? Are you faithful or close to that? Sort your life so that you do not drag another person into your mess. Work on yourself and you will find Mr/Miss Right close by. You can never attract what you are not. You want a faithful partner, start being faithful to an unknown partner, you want a better husband; start being responsible person to your own family. Whatever you are doing now is a seed into your future.
Give up, in-order to go up
Relationships thrive on healthy compromise. Never compromise on core values that define who you are. A relationship has the potential to build you or destroy you. Certain people backslide because of the people they were married to, while other people improve(d) in their spiritual lives because of the people they married. Strive to bring out the best in your partner/spouse, and you will see the best in yourself. Give up certain things that do not add value to your marriage/ relationship even though they might entertain you. You cannot afford to live as a spinster/ bachelor while you are married. Marriage/relationship is about prioritising the feelings of your partner/spouse. Never do to your partner what you would not want them to do to you. This will solve most of the world’s problems.
Honesty and integrity
The way you enter a relationship is the way that you will use to sustain it. Some people conned their way into relationships/ marriages, others lied their way into relationships. The challenge with acting, is that the script will come to an end. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. (Unknown).
If you use money to enter into a relationship, you will need to money to sustain it, but money is not everything by the way. (Money can get you a house and not a home, food but not appetite). Be simple, be honest, be a person of integrity. If you marry a baboon with me, it will still remain a baboon. Money does not change character it simply amplifies what is already there.
To be continued…
Arthur Marara is a corporate law attorney, keynote speaker, corporate and personal branding speaker commanding the stage with his delightful humour, raw energy, and wealth of life experiences. He is a financial wellness expert and is passionate about addressing the issues of wellness, strategy and personal and professional development.
Arthur is the author of “Toys for Adults” a thought provoking book on entrepreneurship, and “No one is Coming” a book that seeks to equip leaders to take charge.
Feedback to [email protected] or Visit his website www.arthurmarara.com or contact him on +263780055152 for bookings.
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