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Arthur Marara Point Blank
What a title to an article.In 2021 I read an article in The Herald to the effect that over 1 300 divorces went through last year.
There was also an indication that matrimonial cases where above 1 200 in the previous year (2020). The numbers reflected above do not include the thousands of couples that are now literally just co-habit and staying together for the sake of keeping their names and reputation.
The main cause of the divorces in the majority of the cases cited was infidelity. Truth be told, and in my respectful view, infidelity is not the problem, it is simply a manifestation of a problem.
Where are we missing it? This is the question that we need to ask ourselves.
Roora Squad Syndrome
Have you noticed how quick we are to post the pictures of our “roora” squad and write all niceties to spice up the pictures?
This has become the trend, and I am sure that we will be seeing more of these.
I am not saying do not celebrate your lobola or your union. I am saying before you rush to commit to marriage and posting these pictures, have you actually had honest and realistic conversations with yourself and your partner about why you want to get married.
Marriage is not an achievement. You do not need to work hard, to get a marriage certificate, you just need to be 18 years, and have a person of the opposite sex to get married to.
Beyond just love
Why have you decided to settle? The obvious explanation is that I love the person. Is this enough.
Well, I do not think love is enough for successful marriage. All the 1 300 people who filed for divorce in 2021 at one point in time loved each other.
People fall in love, and they do also fall out of love. For a successful marriage you need to base your relationship on something solid, and not just love.
In fact, one of the most abused phrase is “I love you” often used by people who not even know what it means.
Do not make assumptions this speaks to many people who are not married at the present moment but are in some courtship or dating set.
What are you talking about with your “bae” daily? What is the quality of conversations you are having?
Go beyond just flattery, and some of these niceties.
They are okay, they serve a purpose, but life goes beyond this. Engage in real conversations that will find a basis for your marriage.
Discuss these issues: Before you decide to get married have discussion on some of the following issues.
Bills: How are you going to be paying bills. What are the bills you are likely to incur and do not run away from the question to do with sustainability and lifestyle?
Can you afford it?
Lifestyle: Connected to the first one. I hear some married couples complaining that their partner is a spendthrift and wants a top life when you cannot afford it. Did you get time to discuss about this before you got married? Conversations that you ignore, will always haunt but sometimes at an unpleasant level.
Debt: Is anyone of you owing anyone. What is the extent of the indebtedness? Will it not affect you when you start your marriage? There are people who married into debt which was never disclosed to them. Get into a marriage knowing what you are going to face.
Religion: We take this for granted. You are marrying a person of a different religion or denomination. How are you going to be relating? Is one of you going to convert from their faith? Many people take this for granted even if they are Christians. Which church is going to preside over your wedding ceremony?
Family: How are you going to raise your children. What values are you going to instil in them? Does your spouse even want to have children? People take this for granted.
Some partners do not even want to have babies yet here you are and you want to have babies.
I heard of a story of someone who only discovered that their spouse had no uterus. It had been removed surgically, and sadly the marriage collapsed before it went anywhere because the partner wanted babies, and someone had not disclosed this during the days of marriage.
Clear these things from the start, and ensure that you make decisions at an early stage.
Sexual expectations: This is even a contentious area that can cause collapse of marriages. People in marriage cheat because of expectations not being met. Daily people are cheating because of this. What are the sexual expectations of your partner? Are you sure you can measure up? This is not necessary a matter of having faith, it is a matter of having real conversations. Do not walk into a minefield with eyes wide open.
Partner expectations: What does he or she expect from you. You need to have this conversation. Talk this point. The one of the areas that has stressed marriages and in relationships is because of unmet expectations.
Love your partner the way they want to be loved, and not the way you want to love them. Know and understand the expectations.
Family Health History: What diseases plague your family? Now these things can be traced. You know by now how many of your family members have died and what has killed them in the past.
This is important as it is going to help you plan for your health. There are several conditions that are hereditary, know them and declare them, and be proactive about them. Do not run from these uncomfortable conversations. Discuss mental health history. This even helps you both in working on these issues at an early stage.
Political views: We live in interesting times, several political parties in the country. What are your political views? Are you able to be tolerant with these diverging political views? If you cannot, do not force your way into a marriage that is doomed to fail.
Discuss anything that comes to your mind, there are many of these things. Feel free to talk. Eliminate the barriers to discussion so that you can effectively engage and come up with a practical way forward.
Arthur Marara is a corporate law attorney, keynote speaker, corporate and personal branding speaker commanding the stage with his delightful humour, raw energy, and wealth of life experiences. He is a financial wellness expert and is passionate about addressing the issues of wellness, strategy and personal and professional development.
Arthur is the author of “Toys for Adults” a thought provoking book on entrepreneurship, and “No one is Coming” a book that seeks to equip leaders to take charge.
Feedback to [email protected] or Visit his website www.arthurmarara.com or contact him on +263780055152 for bookings.
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