Marketing craze, Malawian magic and Prince my uncle!

Khuphuka Nasingeni
Marketing is quite an interesting practice, quite a a�?doinga�� thing, like a verb; the way my primary school teacher taught me!

You see, you are either a marketer or you are not, there is no in-between, unfortunately this area of specialty has no room for mediocrity.

I have been sold things that I have no use for and wondered why I bought the things in the first place.A� That is the power of marketing.

I was in some lengthy discussion with uMzo, in between sips a��nowadays you really have to nurse your drink because times have been unrelenting a�� and we were analysing all sorts of marketing from quails to traditional herbal remedies.

I have mentioned in this column before how these birds remind me of moringa magic and its predecessor, that fungal cure-all mixture that we gulped with such reckless abandon before someone came up with their own research whose outcome contradicted the marketersa�� pitch.

In these days of tight cash, the birds have given us a fair dose of jokes, you can buy one beer and spend three quarters of your time in the bar staring at your phone screen and laughing your lungs out, largely because of jokes on quails.

I am not advocating that bar owners should bar the use of cellphones like banks do, hell no, after all some bars advertise their free wi-fis to attract clientele.A� UMzo can still not get over his good laugh over my gaffe.A� You see, there is this bar in town that advertises freebiesa�� It so happened that on the day I was quite thirsty. The advert went something like a�?free wi-fi and cold beersa��a�� dear reader I really do not know how my eye skipped some words but I skidded by the counter, almost breathless, to claim my a�?free beersa��.A� I felt cheated when I was referred back to the board by the door and on reading noticed it read a�?free wi-fi and cold beersa��!A�A� Now uMzo believes my brain is wired in a curious waya�� anyway I will get even one day.A� You see, those who claim expertise in our psyche and the way our medulla functions will tell you that if you are pressed a a�?TO LETa�� sign suddenly becomes a TOILET sign!

So much about freebies.A� I did not want to keep referring to the Trade Fair, but this one is unavoidable, and some sins committed there are quite unforgivable.A� Take, for instance, this Malawian lady (bless her) that was selling mena��s back remedies(otherwise known as aphrodisiacs), who must have smiled all the way to Blantyre or Lilongwe or wherever.A� UMzo is seething with anger, over what he deems to be marketing excesses by this lady.A� You see there is a certain marketing advantage when you link herbal solutions to Malawi.. you may never understand but the early Malawian migrants used to know their vegetation and allied uses!A� Riding on a historical (almost empirical evidence) this lady was even featured in the newspaper trading her wares (dear editor what were you thinking).

Mzo is offering free advice to the powers-that-be at the paper, to put a disclaimer on such articles in future as he considers this investment ill-advised on account of the article.A� These were Mzoa��s lamentations over the side effects(or rather, no effect) of the concoctions that were selling like hot buns.A� You see, once uMzo raised the issue of the claimed effects, one other patron that thought Trade Fair was their salvation also derided the concoction.

Now, if I recall my science teacher well, whenever we carried out an experiment, there was often more than one sample involved, to allow for control.

So our experiment in this case consisted of uMzo and this other patron(whose identity is protected).A� Results for both customers were negative, though they claim to have discovered that their saviour was this other marketer, selling herbal solutions from this other country whose products are seldom associated with good quality! He is singing praises about his secret weapon a�� talk about borrowed virility!

Forgive my limited instalment because time is not on my side really.A� My attention has been drawn to some unexpected windfall.

You see, this singer Prince (yebo uPrince), it turns out, could have left quite some fortune.A� Wait a minute, there is more!A� Of late I have been going through my late grandparents and parents photo albums(I know this is Greek to the Whatsapp generation), and guess whose childhood photos I have stumbled ona�� would you believe ita�� Prince!A� So I am frantically trying to lodge a claim so that I claim my share from my relative.A� Poor Prince, he had not shaken off our traditions, like not having a will.A� In my village everyone knows the next persona��s goat, chicken and cow, hence it is quite unnecessary to be shuffling to courts to prove that you own certain stuff and that some people owe you.A� I hear there are many fakes out there seeking to strip my family of our rightful inheritancea�� this time havalume (Greek term for they wona��t succeed) because we have all the necessary documents that will shame all these pretenders!