Marriage is sustained by knowledge and in your union, love is the by-product of knowledge, understanding and wisdom When a couple decides to end their marriage, it’s generally because they feel they can’t handle the relationship anymore and may perhaps have done everything at their disposal to save it. No one really knows the unique circumstances that lead to couples going their separate ways except for them and maybe few others. Very often, we encounter partners that experience perpetual abuses of many kinds, while others experience serial infidelity from their partners. Divorce is actually the best option in some circumstances. However, while every couple has a right to divorce without fear of being judged, we wish to argue the importance of commitment in marriage against some of the reasons people often give for why they divorce. And that there’s actually no such thing as “irreconcilable differences” outside pride, unforgiveness, immaturity, loss of focus, individualism and hardened hearts. There’s actually nothing “cool” about divorce despite the effort of some people trying to make it seem like there is. So what must you do if you’re unhappy? The narrow lens of our ultra-liberal society with massive Western influence makes a question like this sound intelligent. The popular narrative is that, staying in an unhappy marriage is a disservice to yourself and your children. The claim is, by staying in such a marriage, you are being phony, in denial and you are not modelling a healthy relationship for your children that’s purely based on love. But what’s love got to do with it though? Marriage is sustained by knowledge, not love. And that makes romantic love a very weak foundation for marriage. When you become deliberate students of one another, you give true love an opportunity to be born and to grow. When you know your spouse, you understand them better, and therefore develop the wisdom to treat them and love them the way they wish to be loved. A successful marriage is a result of the application of knowledge. In marriage, love is the by-product of knowledge, understanding and wisdom. Applied knowledge helps you build around structure, discipline, shared values, common goals and unwavering commitment. But marriage does not owe you happiness. This myopic view of marriage and independence pathologises marital commitment. The pathology is internalised, leaving so many people thinking happiness is everything in marriage and that falling out of love means an end of the marriage. Proper perspective A healthy marriage is experienced as we view ourselves, each other, and the marriage properly. While individual happiness, desires, and considerations are important within a marriage, they are not the central focus. The central focus is interdependent, interlinked growth and maturity of character as a couple. That’s how we become. If life went exactly as we planned or wanted, we wouldn’t change because we wouldn’t need to. That isn’t living. That would just be accomplishing goals without internal change. And without internal change, there is no fulfilment — there’s no meaning. Couples that are serious about life together, have the courage to develop meaning as a team, even if they initially got married randomly. Such couples understand that life is not always about themselves and their happiness. They pursue shared meaning and common purpose in order to live fulfilled lives, and leave meaningful legacies. The day you took the oath of marriage is the day you vowed to die to self. That’s the essence of sacrificial love that marriage, overall, demands. The greatest gift marriage offers isn’t the authentic, healthy and fulfilling love we grow into, nor the precious souls — we call children — that give us the divine privilege of moulding them into good human beings that can make positive contributions to the world. The greatest gift of marriage, in our view, is the challenge of becoming Christ-like in character. Meaning, your maturity is connected to your spouse’s imperfections, and you choosing to love them in spite of their weaknesses. Never give up on your marriage before you grow up, at the very least. For better or for worse Things wouldn’t always turn out the way you’d hoped or dreamt they would, and real life tragedies do happen to anyone. When you marry someone, you pledge a kind of love that goes so deep that you’ll accept the outcomes of your marriage, both good and bad whichever way life takes you as a couple. Through this vow, you actually said although you’re not sure whether the outcomes of your decision to marry will be good or bad, but you’ll accept them because the covenant is irreversible. Marriage is bigger than us In its proper context, marriage is bigger than you. It’s a tool used to shape society, grow communities, and transform the hearts of individuals into maturity. When a couple divorces, it doesn’t just hurt the individuals or family, it threatens the well-being of the community and society as well. And because marriage is bigger than us, challenges are easier contextualised. Irritations or frustrations are viewed through different lens. But if marriage is all about individual happiness, there is no issue too small to ruin the relationship. Happiness is a very weak pursuit in marriage. Peace and satisfaction, rather, are far better pursuits. Happiness will then be a by-product of that pursuit. Shared meaning is everything, and again, happiness is overrated. Never doubt your marriage journey just because of the circumstances you find yourselves in as a couple.–Sowetan

Being put down by someone who’s supposed to love and care for you is painful

No one should have a disrespectful partner, especially in marriage, and nobody has the right to be so. It’s even worse when your spouse disrespects you in public. It’s humiliating, shameful, cringeworthy and highly embarrassing. It’s also abusive, undermining, hurtful and unacceptable.

Being publicly put down by the person that’s supposed to love and protect you is highly demoralising in marriage. Some partners may even be demotivated to make public appearances in any social setting.
If you have been married to your spouse for any length of time, depending on how assertive they are, you must be conscious of some of the major behaviours towards your spouse you should stay away from in public.

We’re probably all guilty of saying something unkind or thoughtless to our partners in front of others.
So, we developed a list of some general examples of some of the most disrespectful behaviour to avoid against your partner in public.

Stop disrespecting your spouse to, or in front of, your relatives or friends
Your family and friends are people you generally feel no need to have your guard up as you know each other so deeply. Hence, the conversations are almost always no holds barred, and that could include talking about your spouse.

Comfortability, not malice necessarily, could be the reason why you say obnoxious things about your spouse or to your spouse in front of your friends and relatives. Oh, you could be malicious too. You could be an immature, narcissistic douche bag who has no concept of boundaries, nor consideration of your spouse’s feelings. Either way, stop it!

Stop criticising your spouse to others
Being critical of your spouse publicly or to others not only hurts their reputation, but it damages whatever respect others have for you too. It paints a picture of your unfaithfulness and discontent in your marriage. Is also conveys that your marriage is not a safe place for your spouse to be themselves. Public criticism of your spouse is a power play and a punishment you arrogantly display to them, and speaks of someone who gets away with murder — with no repercussions.

Stop using social media to vent about your marriage
There’s a place for “venting” in any relationship, but that place is not social media. If you air your dirty laundry in an open and general forum, under any circumstances, you’ll only hurt your marriage and destroy any sense of trust that may still remain between you and your spouse.

“Venting” is not about broadcasting your negative thoughts to a general audience. Instead, it’s a method of “de-briefing” with intimate supporters whom you trust. It should be done with one or two people who understand your situation and who have some kind of personal interest in the emotions you’re expressing. The purpose is to get your feelings out in the open so that you can take a second look at them, view them more impersonally, and evaluate them.

Stop constantly correcting or contradicting your spouse
When your spouse is telling a story, stop interrupting to inject missing parts or correct mistakes. It demeans them. If they don’t tell the story the way you would, so what? Look for opportunities to honour and help them save face in public, rather than wanting to feed your hunger for correctness.

Give them their space. You teach people how to treat and respect your spouse by how you treat them (your spouse) in public. Have your spouse’s back. Protect in public, and correct in private.
Stop making your spouse the punch line

Teasing is an important tool in building healthy relationships. However, teasing your spouse in public is just not funny, especially if they’ve asserted their displeasure. Continuing in this behaviour belittles your spouse and suggests that you don’t care, even if you do. At some point, your spouse and others have to wonder, Are the jokes really jokes?

Stop checking out people who aren’t your spouse
You may have heard that, “I can look at the menu as long as I don’t order.” That’s faulty thinking. Your wandering eyes and careless words may cause your spouse to feel insecure, inadequate and without value. It’s not only degrading to your spouse, but it also opens a door to physical infidelity and misleads the other person into thinking that you’re fair game.

In conclusion, when you display these behaviours to your spouse in public to their disapproval, you not only change the whole mood — affecting the whole social gathering — but you also bring a level of awkwardness to the setting. Your persistence with them also unfairly forces people to take sides in your toxicity and disrespect, a posture that they shouldn’t be subjected to in the first place.–Sowetan