malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman.
My husband is the last-born in their family; he has two brothers and a sister. All his siblings are married and gainfully employed.
My in-laws are both retired and run a very productive farming plot. Many big family functions are held there. My mother-in-law and the elder sister-in-law have a notorious friendship. They have the same totem and call each other “mwana wababa”.
They are very close and visit each other often. When we are gathered, our mother-in-law prefers to be served by her so-called sister. She does not accept food from anyone else. I personally think this is weird and divisive. Amai often calls her “sister” to conduct meetings before addressing the rest of us. We are getting very annoyed. How do we correct this?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. Let me commend you guys for still having family functions. It is a good practice that keeps the clan together.
I have noted your concern about the so-called “sisters” of the same totem. I think it is more about how they are going about it that makes it seem wrong.
To publicly declare that she will only eat food served by one daughter-in-law who shares the same totem as her is wrong. Both of them should be setting a good example since they are the most senior women in your family setup.
I suggest you take the bull by its horns and ask for a candid family meeting. Do this using your normal protocol, otherwise she may feel disrespected. If you think this is a tall order, then talk to your father-in-law and see if he can resolve the situation. I wish you all the best.
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Hubby refusing to give me my lobola money
Dear Amai, I am a married woman in my late 40s and my husband is of the same age. We are blessed with two daughters who are now married. At the end of January this year, our younger daughter had a traditional marriage. During roora, there are some tokens that are supposed to be specifically given to the mother of the bride, like mapfukudzadumbu. I charged US$2 000 and it was paid in cash because my husband and his people said there was no negotiation when it came to those matters.
Two days later, my husband borrowed all that money and promised to give me back within a week. Now, we are into the fourth month and he has not paid back anything. Each time I ask for my money, he gets offended and calls me greedy.
There are a lot of stories associated with misfortunes that arise when roora is not done according to our customs. I do not want anything like that to affect my daughter’s marriage. I am contemplating making it a police case so that the issue is put to rest.
I will not rest until I get my money. He is very selfish! He pocketed the bulk of the roora money, yet he has the nerve to call me greedy. Is it okay if I tell my daughters about this?
Response
Hello writer and thank you for reaching out to me. Congratulations are definitely in order. It is a wonderful feeling when your daughter gets married. However, your letter made my reading very sad.
Your husband promised to give you back your share of the money and he should fulfil that promise. As for your daughters, please keep them out of this.
You are both their dear parents. The worst one can ever do is to take your spouse to the police. What is it in aid of?
Think of how far you have come and what you have built together. Is this just about the money or there are other skeletons in the cupboard? I suggest you take the issue to your family elders from your husband’s side and sort this out promptly. You both need to go for professional counselling. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Struggling to keep up appearances
I am aged 26 and my husband is 27. We are newlyweds and we are yet to start a family. My husband is my childhood sweetheart; we have a lot in common and love each other very much. We are both gainfully employed. I work for an uptown company where most people have it all.
The pressure of staying in the ghetto and using public transport is killing me. Some colleagues are really making it tough for me. They always suggest that we upgrade to better neighbourhoods and get a cheap car. I have been trying to convince my husband to get a loan, but he said no. I am now very unhappy and feel inferior.
Response
It is very refreshing to hear about happy marriages. Please, keep the fire burning.
There is an adage that runs: “Life is what you make it.” Never be pressured into taking unplanned and unnecessary loans. Try to be content with what you have, live your life and be happy. You should never feel inferior because someone has seemingly better circumstances than you.
The grass always looks greener on the other side. Take it one step at a time; eventually you will reach your destination.
A good life comes from hard work and small steps over a stretch of time, not from cutting corners. Do not get offended; tell your colleagues that you are happy with the way things are at the moment.
Stay focused; the sky is the limit. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474.
Online Reporter