Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope this finds you well. My husband (26) and I (24) were married traditionally last December. We are both gainfully employed. We are currently planning our white wedding.
However, we have reached a breaking point due to my mother-in-law’s overwhelming involvement. Without being asked, she has taken complete control of the decision-making process.
We have already made numerous compromises to accommodate her preferences and those of her church, but the situation has become unsustainable.
Most recently, she purchased large quantities of fabric from South Africa for the bridal party without consulting us. I dislike the fabric and it does not align with our vision for the wedding. During planning meetings, she consistently overrides everyone, which has caused significant frustration among our families.
My parents and my father-in-law have witnessed this behaviour, yet my mother continues to advise me to simply yield to her demands.
I feel I have reached my limit. Given these circumstances, would it be advisable for us to abandon these plans and opt for a small court wedding instead?
Response
I am very well, and thank you for enquiring. Congratulations on your traditional marriage. Your mother-in-law sounds like a control freak. For the sake of having this wedding, I think she needs to allow other people to have a say. She may be doing this out of pure love but does not know how it is negatively affecting everyone else.
You talked about her church, I think she would listen to the pastor if they were to speak to her diplomatically. You and your husband should confide in the pastor because he will tell her the truth in a confidential and soft manner. She is overstepping; do not let this spoil your entire family dynamics. Cancelling the wedding is not a good idea. This is what your heart desires and it is a very important step in your life.
o not discard the material she bought. Try and repurpose it. The bridal team can have two dresses each — your choice for the service and hers for the reception, or vice versa. You can even use it as part of the decor, et cetera. Do not let this tear you apart; you are now part of the family.
Part of being a family is managing personalities as diplomatically as possible. I hope your wedding fulfils your greatest desires.
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Relatives have
abandoned me
Dear Amai, I am a 39-year-old married man and father of three children. Six years ago, I relocated with my family to South Africa to take up menial jobs. At that time, I cut off all communication with my family members for no reason, and since then, they have not reached out to me either.
However, we remained in touch with my wife’s family. As you may know, life has become increasingly difficult for foreign nationals here. I recently tried to reconnect with my family to ask for assistance, but they ignored me.
All of my wife’s relatives live in a rural village. We are now planning to return home, but unfortunately, we have nowhere to go. What should we do?
Response
Hello, and thank you for writing in. You made a serious mistake by cutting ties with your family and friends. Life is unpredictable and maintaining good relationships with others is always commendable. Your planned return is urgent.
For now, go directly to your wife’s rural home when you leave South Africa. Once you arrive back in the country, you can begin making alternative arrangements and work on rebuilding connections.
You owe your family an overdue apology and mending those bridges will be essential for your future stability.
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Utterly broken
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I truly enjoy reading it. I am a happily married young mother of three girls. I have three sisters-in-law — each with children of both genders.
I am the only one with girls only, but as a couple, we deeply love our children. Whenever my mother- and father-in-law visit, they complain that girls will not carry on the family name. They encourage us to keep having more children in the hope that we might eventually have a son.
However, as far as childbearing is concerned, we are content. We always wanted three children — an ideal number we can provide for. Their comments are hurtful and are beginning to affect not only us but our daughters as well.
Last holiday, all the other grandchildren were invited to the rural home, but shockingly, for the first time, mine were left out.
How can we stop them from making these painful remarks and ensure our daughters are treated equally?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. Thank you for supporting the platform. Do not lose sleep over outdated ways of thinking. I am glad you love your children — that is exactly how it should be. You and your husband are an organised couple, content with the blessings you have received.
The world has evolved and today there are countless opportunities for both genders. For the sake of the children, I encourage you to have a meeting with your in-laws and explain that their comments are negatively affecting the girls.
Let them know how much you love and respect them, but also make it clear that you are happy with your family setup. Do not give in to outside pressure. Continue loving and providing for your family. Excluding your daughters from the holiday was grossly unfair and it is important to address this openly. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
