Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
This week’s letters illustrate the significant challenges of family interference in personal relationships. Both scenarios underscore the critical importance of setting boundaries and prioritising individual autonomy when faced with unwanted familial influence.
******************
I am a married woman with two children — a boy and a girl. My mother-in-law tried to impose her name on my daughter when my child was still a baby. I voiced my concern then and my husband supported me, so the name was never registered.
My daughter is now 10 and my son is 12. Over the years, I thought this issue was water under the bridge. However, my husband’s youngest brother, who recently got married, is now being pressured to name his daughter after her. Both he and his wife have refused, stating that it is my daughter’s name. We have even shown them the birth certificate to prove it was never registered.
My mother-in-law is now furious, saying all sorts of unnecessary things. She is accusing me of influencing everyone and has threatened us, saying: “Tichaona nevana vamuri kudada navo muchiramba zita rangu. (We will see how this will pan out after you have refused to name your children after me).”
Amwene is saying she only has two sons, and both have refused to name their kids after her. My two sisters-in-law are teaming up with their mother, saying “tavashora zvisingaiti (we have disrespected them immensely)”.I told my sisters-in-law that they can give the name to one of their children if they wish. Mai Chisamba, is it right for a name to be imposed on your child like this? My husband has not said a word about this, so we do not know what he thinks.
There is a lot of tension within the family. How do we resolve this? Her brother’s wives also refused the name, which explains why she is pressuring us to accept it. Why is everyone refusing? Please help; the tension is killing us. To make matters worse, we all attend the same church.
Response
For starters, what is in a name? I bet there are thousands of people worldwide who share the same name as your mother-in-law.
In Shona culture, when they say “mwana ane zita”, it refers to a name given to someone after a specific ritual is performed. It does not matter whether you had other names or not; this is called “zita regombwa”, and it can only happen after the previous owner of the name has passed away. Your mother-in-law is still alive, so do not worry about this issue. Even if you had accepted it, it would just be “zita remadanha” — a name you liked and adopted.
Families should learn not to pick fights over nothing. Every couple has the right to name their children as they please. It is also up to them to ask their mother or anyone else to do that on their behalf if they wish. I do not understand why your mother-in-law is being so forceful.
Perhaps this is why everyone is saying no. She is acting as if there is something significant when there is not.
There is absolutely no need to threaten your daughters-in-law about this issue. Why is your husband silent while the family is tearing each other apart? He has the potential to end this squabble. I do not think the church is helping much either. Why even bother to mention it when you are all doing the opposite of what the church teaches? After your husband speaks and you remain unhappy, then you can engage a pastor or priest to talk and pray with the family. You need each other; kungofungirana nekutukana hazvivaki musha (suspecting and insulting each other does not build a home).
Your sisters-in-law should not take their mother’s side; instead, they should help calm her down. It defies logic that a Christian can hold a grudge for 10 years.
Be of good cheer; the Supreme Being will always be in charge and will help you through this.
******************
Mother interfering in my relationship
I am a 24-year-old man in a relationship with a woman aged 19 whom I have known since she was 15. She is kind and genuine, but unfortunately, people in my village have spread unfounded rumours about her character. These rumours have reached my mother, who now insists I end the relationship because she believes my girlfriend has been with many different men. My mother even went as far as confronting her directly — yelling at her and demanding she stops dating me. She accuses me of being foolish and claims I never listen to reason.
This entire situation is straining my relationship and causing me deep embarrassment. I am a manager at a local company and such negativity is not healthy — personally or professionally. Please advise me on how to handle this situation and stop it from escalating further.
Response
It is unfortunate that your mother has allowed village gossip to influence her perspective so strongly. As you rightly pointed out, the rumours are unfounded— and it is worth asking whether she has personally witnessed or verified any of her claims. You have every right to make your own relationship choices, and your mother should respect that. Remind her gently but firmly of your standing in the community and your right to pursue happiness on your terms.
In small villages, gossip often thrives because people have little else to occupy themselves with.
Let your mother know how her interference is affecting both your peace of mind and your relationship. If you do not establish boundaries now, she may continue to meddle in your future relationships. Encourage her to be supportive, even if she does not entirely understand your choices. Ultimately, it is your relationship — and your happiness. Stay grounded in what you know to be true and let unfounded rumours pass like the wind.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Online Reporter