malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I am a 28-year-old man who is married to a woman of the same age.
We are blessed with a baby boy. I have been very unfortunate because I stay in the same neighbourhood as my in-laws. I have no voice as the man of the house because my mother-in-law runs our home. If I discuss something with my wife, it will not be implemented unless her mum rubber-stamps it. She is the one who has the last word.
I had a special name for my son way before he was born, but she bulldozed her way and gave him a middle name that I did not want. My wife and I are gainfully employed but she spends most of her free time at her mum’s place. I now have a special sisterly bond with the househelp because I am stuck with her most of the time.
She is the one who makes sure I get my refreshing cup of tea after work. I tried to complain to my father-in-law but he is henpecked. However, he promised to try to resolve the matter. I miss my wife and son; they are hardly at home. Please help!
Response
Greetings writer and thank you very much for reaching out to me.
It should be an advantage when families are close to each other, not the other way round. Based on your communication, I think your mother-in-law is too meddlesome and causing a lot of unnecessary commotion.
The first person you must rein in is your wife. It seems she does not understand what marriage is all about. She must appreciate that she now has her own home to run and a spouse to bond with. The people responsible for naming their children are the biological parents. It is up to them to give that responsibility to someone else should they choose to do so. If you think your father-in-law cannot help you get out of this predicament, do not despair. In our culture, we have a special group of people who deal with such issues — vanatete, vanambuya nanasekuru.
Go with your wife and talk to one of these people so they can run it up the flagpole. Your in-laws will deal with the matter privately. It is your duty to sit down with your wife and iron out these problems. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Should I expose
my father?
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 32-year-old man and father of a beautiful girl. My father is a horrible pastor, to say the least. He is a troublemaker within the immediate family. Even the extended family despises him. My mother has been subject to abuse since we were kids. We were taught to never expose him.
I feel abiding by that rule has been the biggest mistake over the years. As a family, we hate him, and this causes a lot of friction because we still pretend not to loathe him.
We even call him “a man of God”, like other church members. Unfortunately, gossip has started within the church and family. People talk about his heartless personality behind closed doors. I feel he is not representing God well. Amai, how do we make a breakthrough? We cannot continue like this?
Response
I am well and thanks for asking. Your letter made my reading very sad. The general belief is that pastors are called by God. Men of God must be called to shepherd their communities.
He may be ministering for the wrong reasons if he does not practise what he preaches.
I am sorry for what your mother has had to endure. The fortunate thing is that there is help all around.
Call for an immediate family meeting and talk to him candidly that the abuse must stop or you will have no choice but to report him. Most churches have structures internally that deal with pastors who conduct themselves in a manner that is unbecoming of their office.
Alert them. If your father is a troublemaker, even within his own family, why is everyone silent? Why is he getting away with murder?
He needs professional counselling to address his toxic personality traits that disturb those around him. If that fails, you will have no other option but to report him.
The time is always right to do the sensible thing. I wish you all the best.
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Out of the frying
pan into the fire
How are you, Amai? I am a 16-year-old girl in high school. I used to stay in the ghetto with my parents, but I was facing a lot of challenges when it came to doing school assignments. Electricity supply is not consistent and we do not have solar power at our place.
My father asked his sister, who stays a few blocks away from our house, if I could stay with them during the week so that I could do my schoolwork without any disturbances as they have a solar backup system. I now regret this decision because I am now tete’s second househelp. I am asked to do household chores until late. In some cases, I do not even get the chance to do my schoolwork on time. I cannot confide in my parents because if I do, I may end up breaking their good relationship with my aunt. My mum is short-tempered. Please help?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. I do not know what kind of relationship you have with your tete but, culturally, she is as good as your elder sister. She is a shoulder to cry on and confide in. Do not run to your parents before you clear this up with auntie as you may cause unnecessary problems and panic.
All you need to do is to talk to her so that she appreciates what you are going through and the reason you came to stay with her. Put it across nicely. At times it is not what you say but how you say it.
She already has her own househelp; you can arrange to help during the times you are free. Do not be overly dramatic; this is a simple fix. Busy as you are, it is good to help and assume responsibility around the house. Most chores prepare you for basic life skills. Be of good cheer; it shall be well.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter