Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
ISSUES of couples taking unfair advantage of each other appear to be increasingly prevalent. In a relationship, it is always advisable to respect and value each other’s contributions. This approach minimises challenges and strengthens bonds. This week, we have selected previously published letters from couples facing similar situations.
************
I am aged 37 and my wife is 36. We are blessed with twin girls. My wife is a very difficult person and often suffers from mood swings. We have been together for over a decade, yet I still do not know how to handle her. I am a peace-loving person. I always say sorry, even when I know I am right. Along with my apologies, I often give her something (kuripa) to accompany the apology. If kuripa is not done, she remains in her fierce and foul mood. Amai, I feel like I cannot continue paying for peace in my home. I am overstretched and constantly out of budget. The most frustrating part is that she dictates what she wants me to give her when she is upset. Please help me! How can I put an end to this practice without creating conflict?
Response
You are absolutely right in wanting to put an end to this pattern. It seems you may have been enabling this behaviour and your wife is taking full advantage of it. While there is nothing wrong with being peace-loving — it is an admirable quality — some level of conflict is inevitable in life.
Begin by explaining to your wife how her behaviour is impacting your finances and overall well-being. Clearly communicate that you can no longer sustain this practice, regardless of any potential fallout or reaction on her part. If necessary, involve elderly relatives, who can mediate and help her understand the gravity of the situation.
Additionally, her mood swings and unpredictable behaviour might stem from a more complex issue. It would be wise to encourage her to seek medical attention — this could be a hormonal or mental health imbalance that can be treated. Mental health is crucial, especially if you want to maintain a stable marriage. I can sense your frustration and I encourage you to consider relationship counselling with a trusted mediator. A counsellor could help foster open communication and work towards normalising your relationship. Lastly, it is essential for you to develop a firm and confident approach — a clear course of action is key to resolving this situation. I wish you the very best as you navigate this challenge.
************
Hubby gave me short end of the stick
Dear Amai, I hope this message finds you well. I am a married woman with a toddler. I hold a degree and I am gainfully employed, as is my spouse.
We have been married for two years and finances are a major sticking point for us. While we have a combined budget, I feel like I am being short-changed. We sat down and decided what each of us should handle financially. I opted to take care of food since the kitchen requires daily, proper planning. My husband agreed to footing rent and other family bills. I decided to do the main groceries once a month and buy perishables more frequently as the month progresses.
My husband is the eldest child in his family, so we frequently have visitors from his side. His parents’ doctor is based in Harare and they often come for check-ups.
Unfortunately, they tend to overstay their welcome — they are basically part-time residents. When they visit, they invite friends and other family members over and food is sometimes served even at odd hours. This is taking a toll on me and I no longer want to be the one responsible for buying food. Meanwhile, my husband’s bills rarely fluctuate. This situation is affecting me deeply and I do not know how to communicate my feelings to him.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for writing in. I am glad to hear from you. My heart goes out to young couples like you, who are still supposed to be in the romantic phase of your marriage yet face such struggles. In marriage, you are one unit and so are your finances. How can you feel short-changed when you are part of the financial equation? You mentioned the visitors from his side of the family — what about visitors from your side? Do they ever come over? From your explanation, I understand that taking on groceries was your choice and you had good reasons for it.
When you got married, you were aware that your husband was the eldest in his family, which usually comes with added responsibilities. It is important to work as a team to ensure that his family is supported — they are here today but will be gone tomorrow.
Do your best with an open heart, as it will make a significant impact. Regarding the other visitors, you are not obliged to provide for them if you cannot. Culturally, those who visit the sick are expected to bring provisions, not the other way around. Finally — and importantly — you could suggest alternating your month-end duties with your spouse. The results may surprise you. I would love to hear from you again.
************
I was exploited
I am a 26-year-old man, deeply in love with a woman of the same age. We have been in the relationship for the past two years.
During this period, I have done a lot to support and improve her life. I paid for her studies, covered her rent for the entire past year and always went out of my way to assist her in other aspects. A few days ago, I told her I wanted to take our love to the next level by paying lobola.
To my shock, she laughed hysterically and told me, point blank, that I am not her type. I cannot make sense of this — her words left me shattered. She has since blocked me on all social media platforms.
I went to her apartment to seek closure, but a man opened the door and said they were too busy to see me. I am heartbroken and feel like I have lost everything.
Amai, please help me. How can I recover the money I spent on her?
Response
I am sorry for what you have experienced — it is clear that you were taken advantage of and that is deeply unfair. However, it is important to come to terms with the reality of this situation.
During the time you were together, did she ever express genuine love for you? While your gestures were generous, it is worth asking yourself if you were expecting them to win her affection. Love cannot be bought or earned through material means and unfortunately, this may have been a one-sided relationship. Her behaviour — blocking you on social media and avoiding direct communication — is undeniably cruel.
If she felt you were not her type, she should not have led you on or taken advantage of your kindness and financial support. Unless there is a written agreement that legally binds her to repay the money, recovering your funds might not be possible. I encourage you to chalk this up as a painful lesson and focus on moving forward. It is important to protect yourself from being exploited in the future. Money can be earned again, but do not let this experience rob you of your self-worth or faith in love. Take this time to heal and learn to prioritise relationships that are mutual, respectful and based on genuine affection. I wish you strength and clarity as you navigate through this difficult time.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere