Must I call off the wedding?

Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I write to you with a very heavy heart. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years and everything seemed normal. We agreed to have our traditional marriage at the end of September this year. Last week, I was tempted to go through her phone — and I got the shock of my life.

I came across explicit pictures and messages. She was communicating with another man. I am heartbroken and in a very foul mood. She is wondering what is going on, but I have not said a word to her. I want to end this relationship quietly. My mind is made up — I no longer want to marry her. However, my friend insists that I should let her know how I arrived at this decision. What is your take on this?

Response

I am very well and thanks for reaching out. I feel sorry about what you are going through. Dating someone for two years is no joke.

I do not want to add insult to injury after what you experienced, but going through someone’s phone is not good practice and, in some cases, it is deemed to be against the law. Producing and sharing explicit content on social media is a criminal offence.

From what you state, I can conclude that this girl was cheating on you despite the arrangements you had put in place together. You have the evidence. Cheating is a very undesirable trait. You have stumbled across a very big red flag. I agree with your friend that you must inform her of your findings. The ball is in your court. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Tete claims I’m a fool

Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I follow it religiously. I am 22 years old and my girlfriend is 19. We both earn a living through menial jobs — whenever we can find them. We do not have much, but we are happy. I wanted to carry on with school but there is not much you get from being educated.

I spoke to my girlfriend’s tete, informing her of our wish to get married. I wanted my girlfriend to come and live with me. Then, after the birth of our first-born child, we can discuss lobola. People can be greedy; what if they take my money then the marriage does not work out? Tete dismissed our plans and even called us fools. I am hurt and confused. Please help me with advice on how to convince her.

Response

Hello, big fan. Thank you for supporting the column. First and foremost, let me advise you that learning does not end. Education will open doors for you in terms of employment and career choices. Do not oversimplify things. I urge you to strongly consider what path you want to follow.

You are only 22. Culturally, what you pitched is unacceptable, which is why you got such a harsh and strong response from tete. Why would you seek permission for kubika mapoto? I think you and your girlfriend need more time to mature.

You need to value each other and appreciate cultural values and norms. Look deeply into what lobola represents and reevaluate the love you have for your girlfriend. Bringing a child into this world is a serious commitment. There is no such thing as trial marriage. I advise you to continue dating until you find your feet.

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No good deed goes unpunished

I am 45 years old and my wife is 42. We are blessed with two lovely boys. We have been married for 20 years and I was the sole breadwinner for 15 years.

We were a happy family; we used to go for holidays, eat out and so forth. My wife and children were very happy.

I paid to advance her education. She did very well and now she has a top job.

However, she does not want to contribute anything towards the welfare of the family.

She becomes salty when she uses her money or does anything extra, and she demands that I pay her back. I helped her to be where she is today, but she does not appreciate that. I am hurt! This is pulling us apart.

How do we strike a balance and find peace?

Response

Greetings and thanks for writing in. You have done exceptionally well; you have taken great care of your spouse and children.

If I go by what your letter states, you are a great dad. For a marriage to function well, you need to sit down and discuss issues that affect you, such as your finances.

There is no need for your wife to be selfish.

I suggest you both go for professional counselling, where you will be given a platform to discuss finances and conflict resolution. You must strive to create a conducive environment for bringing up your kids. I would be happy to hear from you after your counselling sessions. I wish you all the best.

Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com