My Christmas Wish

Yet I have a Christmas wish list just like most people out there. As a kid I believed in Santa Claus — the one that I usually saw on cartoon television. He was a white man but the day I was taken to see a black Santa Claus I thought my parents were fraudulent. I was so nasty to the black Santa Claus to an extent that he even got angry with me.
This year, Christmas trees are hard to come by and they are expensive, parking lots in town are filling up, clothes; original and fake are flying off the shelves, some food stuffs that  failed to sell during the year are also getting some sort of recognition from shoppers. Window shopping is embarrassing so people just walk into the shops to buy. Impulse buyers only ask for prices when they reach the counter.

Drinkers order from the mixologist (bar tender).  “Can I have the most expensive (lager or whiskey)” depending on one’s choice. Before the drink comes the boozer already says, “keep the change,” that is even before he realises that he has just paid for a $3 drink with a $20 bill and given away the change.
People don’t associate Christmas with politics or economics. However, if there is common ground then Christmas is one time when political enemies and corporate enemies can at least share a smile. But no, that was not the case at school. There was that guy who would tell you that “ngizavalangawe” (will beat you up to mark the end of the school year which is the beginning of the festive season) and again the same guy would say “ngizavulangawe” (will do the same to you but only that it would be the beginning of the year).That was his wish list.

Politicians also have their wish lists. I know some in Zanu-PF got their wishes coming true when the WikiLeaks issue was not discussed at the conference. Professor Arthur Mutambara from the MDC (smaller crew) got a present that should only be given to a person on doom’s day. He was given a kick to the curb in court and should never claim to be the leader of the smaller MDC. Not even in his dreams can he fantasise about being the man in charge.
The Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai will most likely want to find a book under the Christmas tree telling him how he should deal with women. I wonder what Lorcadia would get him for Christmas? (Maybe a prenuptial agreement will do).

Thabitha Khumalo, who recently became an ambassador for ladies of the night, would probably want a merry and business-full Christmas for the ladies from the red light district. The girls from the oldest profession that only requires one to wear a mini skirt and high heeled stilettos to earn a living by the minute also got a present in having a patron from Parliament. Word out there is that some are even calling her “Mother Zimbabwe”. Interesting.

The Highlanders executive would rather have a January disease rescue present when time to elect new office bearers comes around. Just like those waiting for A level and O level results, Christmas time is not really a holiday for them. It is a reminder that in a few weeks’ time the moment of truth will come. Do you remember the friend that you had before the O level results came out?
One of you passed and the other failed and as fate would have it the friendship died because your paths in life had been separated? That would be the case for either Andrew Tapela or Themba Ndlela if one of them fails to win a Bosso election then their lives would go separate ways instead of working together at Bosso. Not everyone will see the Promised Land.

Below are my two Christmas wishes I decided to send a week before Christmas so that those that can make them come true have a week to at least grant one of them.
1 For the greater part of the second half of the year there has been talk of Bulawayo getting the $40 million fund to revive industries. Along the way some politician said the fund was not only for Bulawayo but for the whole country.

Those that are in power can you imagine yourself as children and your guardian promises you that he/she would buy you Christmas clothes if you pass at school? Even if you were the slow learner somehow you make the grade and after    that the guardian tells you that your pass was  not good enough or he starts giving excuses? That is how we are feeling right now. Show us the money!

2 A policeman pulled a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He told the guy to blow into a breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer, I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube,” the driver said.

“OK, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station,” suggested the policeman.
“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup,” the driver responded.
“Alright, we could get a blood sample,” the policeman said.

“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a haemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die,” said the dodgy driver.
“Fine then, just walk this white line,” the policeman closed in on the driver.

“Can’t do that either, officer,” protested the driver.
“Why not?” the policeman asked

“Because I’m drunk,” finally the driver gave in.
Drivers cause most accidents during this period. Just like a boring commercial break on television I would like to say don’t drink and drive.