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Dear Tete Joyie:
I have three grown-up daughters and I am very worried about the middle one.
The eldest and youngest don’t put up with any nonsense, but my middle daughter has always been quite shy and naive.
When she was 18, she met this guy, who was 34 and married.
He left his wife and two young kids for my daughter, which my husband and I weren’t happy about, but he was very charming and swept us all off our feet.
From the start, my daughter adapted to fit his life.
She lost touch with all her school friends and his friends became her friends.
She moved into his house and cut her hair short because that is how he liked it and she lost weight.
When she became pregnant with their two children, he made comments about her weight and after giving birth he’d put her down for not losing the weight quickly enough.
A couple of years ago she turned up at our house at midnight with the kids because they had a huge fight and he had slapped her.
My husband and I were furious and wanted to go round there, but she begged us not to.
Since then, I am convinced it’s happened again but she says it hasn’t.
She has become even quieter than usual, very withdrawn and I have noticed bruises on her arms and the odd faded black eye.
I have begged her to tell me what is going on but she won’t. What can I do?
Tete Joyie says:
I can’t think of anything worse and if this was my daughter, I would want to go round there and kill him.
However, you have to tread carefully because men who abuse their partners are well known for alienating them from their loved ones, so make sure that doesn’t happen to you.
I think you have got to keep the lines of communication open without sounding like you are trying to force her into a decision that she’s clearly not ready to make.
Just keep saying: “If ever you are in trouble then I am at the end of the phone.
You can come here day or night, any time, and we won’t judge you or force you to leave him. We will just be here for you.”
At the same time, build up the self-esteem that he’s probably driven out of her.
Constantly tell her that she is a great mum, she is beautiful, kind and strong and that she deserves a happy life.
If she confides in you again, you could also gently suggest she chat to her GP, or speak to someone.
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Son madly in love with sugar mommy
Dear Tete Joyie:
I have always been very close to my youngest son, who is now 26.
He has two older sisters who are both married.
My son, however, has always gone from girlfriend to girlfriend and never settled down.
He moved to Singapore for work a year ago and we chat regularly.
A few weeks ago he told me and his dad that he had met somebody and we were over the moon.
He told us a bit about her, including the fact she’d been married before and has a son.
So we guessed she must be a bit older than him, but we thought perhaps she was in her late 20s or perhaps even 30-something.
The last time we were chatting he said she was at his apartment and asked if we wanted to meet her and say hello on video call.
She came into view and we couldn’t believe it — she’s 45 and her son, we later found out, is 22, so just four years younger than our son.
She’s literally dating somebody young enough to be her son.
We were very polite and just chatted for a bit, but a few days later my husband phoned my son and asked him what he was playing at.
My son got angry and said that he’s old enough to choose his own girlfriends and that it’s none of our business.
I am so unhappy and I want to make my son see sense, but I don’t want to drive him further away.
What can I do?
Tete Joyie says:
Your son is right, you need to stop interfering.
He is 26, not 16, so he is old enough to choose his own girlfriends and make his own mistakes.
Maybe she is a really lovely woman and the right one for him, what has her age got to do with anything?
If he loves her and you criticise her, all you’re going to do is drive him further towards her.
He’s far away enough already, and if he stops video calling and phoning, you can’t just pop round to make amends.
Nobody is worth losing your son over, so instead of telling him to see sense, why not say: “We are sorry we had a go, we were just a bit shocked by the age gap. But you know what, if you are happy and she’s good to you, then we are happy.”
The age gap is massive and while it may not seem such a big deal to him now, as he gets older it will start showing. Especially if he wants kids and realises she can’t have them.
But I also know people with 20 or 30-year age-gap relationships and they lived happily ever after.
Look, I get where you’re coming from, he’s your baby boy but sometimes you have to bite your tongue.
So see where this relationship goes, and if it falls apart, be the supportive arms he runs to without saying: “We told you so.”
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I am dating my friend’s ex
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am going out with my friend’s ex.
It’s been three months, but no one knows about it.
We got together three weeks after they split, so we don’t want her to know in case she gets hurt.
She always asks to see him at college, which is quite hard for him.
We don’t have long to go at college but it’s quite stressful and I feel really guilty about it, although we’re in love.
She and I aren’t really close any more because when they broke up I stood up for him because I had heard both sides of the story and I believe she was in the wrong.
But she’s not a bad person.
When they broke up she said she’d kill herself if he moved on, which is very stressful for my boyfriend.
He feels guilty about it all, even though we haven’t done anything wrong.
It’s easy to say we should just tell her, but she would be distraught, and I keep thinking we will soon be finishing college.
I don’t want to hurt her if I don’t need to. What do you think?
Tete Joyie says:
I was tempted to say if you don’t have long left at college, then carry on the way you are until your exams are out of the way and you all go your separate ways.
Do I think that when you leave college it will be easier to tell her?
No, she will still be hurt, but you won’t be around each other every day, so it will be easier for everyone to deal with.
It’s very unfair of her to say she will kill herself if he moves on to another relationship
Hopefully, she doesn’t mean it and it was just her way of expressing how upset she felt.
If you’ve waited this long then another couple of months at college isn’t going to make any difference.
And when you do tell her (or she finds out), be prepared that you won’t remain friends.
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Online Reporter