‘My husband cheated, lied to me’

Dear Coleen

MY boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, but his sister is still good friends with his ex. To start with, he was vocal about the fact he was uncomfortable with her inviting his ex over to their mum’s house. But because he’s the type of man to avoid the problem rather than deal with it, he hasn’t actually done anything about the way it’s making us feel.I’m different in that if I have a problem I would rather be up front and discuss it so we can move on.

The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I haven’t been able to say anything because I don’t want to make things uncomfortable in the family. It has been slowly getting worse and his sister and his ex are spending more and more time together. When we see his sister at his mum’s she’s always talking about his ex and what they’ve been doing together.

Now his ex is pregnant and it’s looking like his sister is going to be godmother to the baby. My boyfriend and I really think this is a step too far.

I don’t know how to deal with it, but I’d like to get it sorted as we’re relocating soon and I don’t want to take all this bad feeling with us. I should point out that no one in my boyfriend’s family seems to think any of this is wrong, apart from him, and they’ve never said anything to his sister, even though they know how we feel. There is no one to mediate and none of his family talk about their problems the way I was brought up to do.

Am I overreacting or is my frustration justified? How can we move forward?

 

Coleen says

I totally understand how you feel, but I kind of get their point of view, too. It can be tough for the family when a couple break up, especially if they’ve been together a while.

I remember when my older sisters stopped seeing boyfriends that I’d got to know really well and not being able to believe I’d have to say goodbye to them forever. And I’ve felt the same when my sons have split up with girlfriends that I’ve really got along with.

However, the situation you’re in makes it very hard for you and your boyfriend to move on psychologically. His ex is still in your lives by hanging out with his family and she’s being talked about in front of you.

If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive issues, then you’ll probably have to be the one to bring it up.

You can’t dictate who his family invite to the house, but you can make sure you’re not there when his ex is. You can also be honest that you don’t like the fact she still visits and that you would rather they didn’t bring her up in conversation while you’re there.

Say that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry they’ll never accept you fully while the ex is still around.

The bottom line is, you’re with their son now and therefore part of their lives too, so they should take on board what you have to say. His sister in particular ought to be more sensitive. But don’t let it split the two of you up or spoil your move.

 

Dear Coleen

I’ve only been married for a year, but I’ve been having an emotional affair and I’m struggling about whether to come clean.

My husband cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and has lied to me a few times about visiting strip clubs.

I said I didn’t mind him going, but on his stag do, he got numerous private dances and lied about it. I only found out through friends later on.

I have struggled to trust my husband due to the cheating and lying, and I think I’ve put up a barrier.

Other than this, we have a great relationship. We don’t argue, we laugh together, spend lots of time with each other and work as a team when it comes to parenting.

I went back to work recently after having our daughter and one man in particular paid me lots of attention.

I later found out he has feelings for me. He’s getting married and I’ve told him several times that nothing can happen as we’re both with other people.

I do have feelings for him, but I’m not willing to ruin two relationships.

He hasn’t taken ‘no’ easily, and recently I let him come round as he was so upset that he left work.

I told my husband he was coming round and he was fine about it, but we did end up cuddling. Nothing else happened, as I wouldn’t let it. Since then, I’ve booked some time off work and blocked his number. I don’t want to cheat like my husband did because I know how it feels.

Should I tell my partner this happened? He knows this man has feelings for me, but not that I felt something, too, or about the cuddling.

I’m so annoyed that I’ve got myself into this position.

 

Coleen says

You’ve done the right thing. There’s no point jumping into another mess before you deal with things at home.

I think what you need to do is explain to your husband that when he lies about going to strip clubs and you find out, naturally you think there must be more to it because he felt he had to lie.

You’ve already told him you don’t mind him going to them as long as he’s honest about it.

All these lies chip away at the trust you’ve rebuilt since he cheated at the start of your relationship, so he needs to start being honest.

And I would be clear about the fact that the way he’s making you feel makes you more receptive to attention from other guys, like your colleague.

Give him a little warning that if he doesn’t start playing fair, then there are other men who would be interested.

I think you also have to ask yourself if you’ve really got over the pain of him cheating, and that maybe you need to address that, too. But I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

All that’s gone on is that your colleague has made you aware that something could happen, and those feelings have made you question things.

As for this other man, he shouldn’t be getting married if he feels this way, and I hope he realises that.

— Mirror Online