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Brian Matsaira
IF a person is cheating even before the marriage, it means he/she is already not content with the relationship.
It shows dissatisfaction, and an indication of a hope to get someone better. Cheating in this context is done as a way to explore the options available in the dating world.
A person who is content spends time building the relationship he or she has and a content person respects the partner he or she has.
If you are not yet married, and you see your lover cheating on you that should be a sign of what is going to happen in the marriage. The cheating element will follow into the marriage, because that dissatisfaction will not suddenly disappear.
It is always wise to leave a person who likes other people when he or she is still in the dating stage.
When cheating happens in the context of marriage, there are many things we need to put into consideration. Many times, people cannot track the reasons, and they usually find themselves as victims.
A person can start cheating because of external and/or and internal reasons.
When we look at external reasons, we are looking at reasons being caused by one’s lover and other people. This can be the husband or wife denying their partner conjugal rights, leading to the starved partner looking for these conjugal rights somewhere else.
This can happen in long distance relationships, or where partners are living in separation for a long period.
Many of these relationships end up being compromised. It is hard for married people to live without having to sleep together for a long time. Many of them in these situations usually end up finding other partners to fill this gap. Partners must find ways to avoid being separated. If one goes overseas, it is not ideal for the other partner to remain behind for a prolonged period.
Where a lover goes, the partner should follow. All things be equal, no one should go somewhere where their partner cannot follow.
In other cases, some couples do not create time for intimacy, for whatever reasons. It can be a husband who is always busy, and who always has excuses not to sleep with his wife, or it can be a wife who is always moody and believes in denying her husband conjugal rights as a way of getting attention, or as a way of settling disputes.
If a certain issue is not addressed, she would not sleep with him. Such manipulations usually backfire. They are one of the reasons why people are forced to find other partners to come in to comfort them.
1 Corinthians 7 verse 5 reads:
“Do not deny yourselves to each other …”
There are partners who tend to want to deny the other spouse their conjugal rights. They act like they do not know why they are in that relationship.
They want their partner to always plead each time they want to sleep with them. They make the process difficult and ritualistic, with so many protocols. Yet intimacy between lovers must be smooth. It is this kind of behaviour over time that will lead the other partner to be left with no option, but to cheat.
Partners must pay attention to the needs of their partners. Here I am talking about how they present their bodies. If your partner prefers you to look in a certain way, try by all means to look that way.
We can talk about personal hygiene, being in touch with trending fashion, and taking care of one’s body. There are partners who tend to get complacent.
After the marriage ceremony, some people think they have arrived, so they start taking everything for granted.
They do not take care of themselves, but they expect to be relevant and attractive. This level of negligence can lead a partner to cheat.
In terms of external forces, we can look at what happens if a partner has had influencers like negative parents and friends.
Some partners are made to cheat because they have wrong associations. They have friends that have made it fashionable to have multiple partners.
As they spend time with these friends eventually, they start seeing this lifestyle as normal, and with time they start cheating as a way to seem relatable to such friends.
Some parents do not respect their child’s relationship, and may keep saying negative things about their child’s partner. They may keep meddling in their child’s marriage until they convince their child to find someone else.
It is always good to set boundaries and to choose friends wisely. Not all people are good to have as friends; some people are just bad influences.
It is also good to set boundaries with parents. If a parent is not respecting an established marriage, there is need for that child to set boundaries and protect his or her partner from his/her parents. That child must stand his or her ground in letting that parent know that there is no going back with that marriage.
The child must be firm on not allowing the parent to mishandle his or her spouse.
People need to learn to defend their lovers by not taking sides with those that are mocking their lovers. People have to stand with their lovers in all situations.
Next week we shall look at internal factors that lead to cheating.
*Brian Matsaira is a love and relationships coach. He can be contacted on: [email protected] or 0773383687
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