No apologies from women wanting more

Bongiwe Nkomazana

I have often been mocked and sneered at for believing so strongly in equal rights for women and men and writing on women issues. The latest comment I got when I was enjoying a drink with friends was a, “Hie, Ms I don’t need a man”. I do not even get mad at such comments anymore because first of all they display so much ignorance. To say, as a woman I want equal opportunities as my male counterparts only translates to “I do not need a man” to those that are too lazy to really understand the concept. Secondly, as much as it was meant to ridicule me, there is no denying that I and many other women on this planet actually do not necessarily need a man.

Let me pose this question. Why is it not okay with the world for a woman to be driven or have ambition? Most of you have already frowned in disagreement because you truly believe that there is no problem with that but there is. It is acceptable for a lady to be driven but not too driven where she is achieving her goals left right and centre surpassing her male peers and bringing in more coin than they. It is cute for a lady to be ambitious, setting her eye on an average job and lifestyle but once she displays too much ambition and her dreams get so big that they scare her husband; her ambition is looked at as negligence of her wifely duties. Why is that?

To be honest women who go through life demanding respect and settling for nothing except for what they deserve are seen as the enemy of the state. We all know that we ourselves are responsible for the lives we live. No Jack who thinks you should tone down your open expressions of one day reaching goal X or Judy who thinks you should go with the flow no matter how stagnant and unfair it is, will offer you the quality of life you want. You create it yourself and part of creating it is in your mindset and attitude. If you believe you are a second class citizen who should get the left over surplus that the top guys are willing to spare your way then that is exactly what you will get. If you believe that you are a good human being that deserves every good thing that you have worked hard and smart for you will receive that and more.

I am here, on this beautiful Saturday, to let this type of woman know that it is absolutely okay to set your standards and keep to them. Do not be scared to claim your ambition or drive. Own it with no apology. When women talk about wanting to win or to succeed and be the best in their fields or at the top of the list, it can be unsettling and they are viewed as too pushy and even annoying. Picture a boy or a man saying how they want to win and succeed and be the top of their class and career. How do you view them? I doubt that your opinion is negative at all. In fact that sounds like the son we are trying to raise, the man we women are hoping to marry and the man other men are wanting to be. Double standards should fall ladies and gentlemen. In a survey done by Dr Gina Barreca, when girls were asked why they do not openly express their need to succeed they expressed that they do not want to be seen as arrogant and lose friends.

Some said they would be viewed as less feminine whilst others just did not want to hurt other people’s feelings. This all sounds so familiar to me. Hands up if you have “dumbed” yourself down just so the guy you like is not intimidated by you. My hand is up there with yours child. Not anymore. Now I let them know politely that I like to read, I do not speak slang and I enjoy watching National Geographic.

It all seems pretty deep rooted to me. From the past norms where only boy children were given an education to be whatever they wanted to be in life whilst girls were confined to the home to comic books and cartoon shows where the hero is always a man and even current traditions where only men can assume leadership positions e.g. chieftaincy and kingship. All of these factors have subconsciously told women that first place is not theirs. It is a sad story if you ask me. As a result more and more people are trying to breakdown that brainwash. How then can you mock anybody who is encouraging societies to send the girl child to school as well? How do you scoff at any actions that lobby for an equal representation of men and women through the creation of more characters like Wonder Woman? I am sorry, but make all the mockery you want out of gender equality but it is a good thing and it goes beyond any needs that a woman has for a man and vice versa.

Let us all admit it. A woman that knows exactly what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it is pretty scary. Think Meryl Streep, playing Miranda Priestly in the movie The Devil Wears Prada, There is something about that power that makes people shake in their boots whereby perceiving her as cold, forward and ruthless.

Women fear that perception but isn’t it better to be Miranda Priestly instead of being a timid, lifeless, shattered dreams Cinderella? You are a queen. You deserve the best so claim it in the way you carry yourself, the way you interact verbally with those around you and in the way you think. I know who I am going to be moving forward and I am sorry for not being sorry about it.