Our mother has a new lover

Mudzimba

Dr Chisamba

I am a 20-year-old guy and the eldest in a family of three brothers. My two siblings are in high school and I am in university. Our father passed away last year and we miss him a lot.

The family at large is still devastated. The only person who seems unaffected is our mother; she is behaving strangely. I am no authority over her life, but we are heartbroken. She is dating a married man from our neighbourhood, but we cannot expose her to our relatives from our father’s side. This man comes home late and enters our parents’ bedroom.

Our mother is not aware that we know what is going on. Amai, how do we stop this without exposing our mother? My younger brothers are of the opinion that we ambush him and ruthlessly beat him up and cover up the story.

Response

Let me start by offering my condolences. I am sorry about the death of your father. I would not say conclusively that your mother is the only one who seems unaffected by your father’s death.

People take different times to grieve and move on. Periods differ from one person to the other. From your communication, I can deduce that you respect and love your mother — regardless of how she is behaving. You are also still grieving your dad. As the eldest child, you are overwhelmed the most by these familial issues.

Your siblings are young, and they need to be advised accordingly. Assaulting this man would potentially end up as a criminal case and amount to more trouble. Inasmuch as your mother is entitled to doing as she pleases, dating a married man is off track and morally reprehensible. The idea of protecting your mum remains noble. I suggest you sit down with her and pour out. She is playing with fire.

There are many combustible elements. She should respect her children and matrimonial home. Eventually, when she does wish to move on, there are more sensible ways of doing so. If this approach does not bear fruit, you are free to contact me again. Please, keep me posted.

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My helper is thieving

Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column. I am a married woman aged 40 and a mother of four kids. My househelp is a thief. She has worked for me for just over two months, but I am already “missing” many things. I suspected it was her, but when I asked her about these missing items, she professed her innocence.

She has become the gardener’s best friend and I was very curious about this pairing? All along, she also has been stealing food from the house and giving it to the gardener to gain favour from him. Last weekend, I do not know what really happened but they had a very bad verbal fight. When she went out for her break, the gardener told me that most of my stolen things are being kept by the househelp next door. Amai, what can I do? How do I approach this girl without upsetting my neighbour?

Response

Dear writer, thank you for your communication and supporting this platform. I will get straight to the point so that you take action immediately. I do not understand why you continue to stay with someone you describe as a thief.

This is a security risk and it will cost you more than you can ever imagine if left unchecked. I advise you to get in touch with the police right away. Report both the maid and the gardener as suspects and the truth of where your things are will be looked into further. There is no need for you to speak to your neighbour. I also do not think it is a good idea to keep these two engaged as your workers after they are interrogated. I would be happy to hear from you.

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Should I trust my gut instinct?

I am aged 45 and my husband is 46. We are blessed with two children, a boy and a girl. We generally get on well as a couple, but when it comes to having quality time as family, my husband often disappears.

We both love sport and we pay a monthly satellite television package to be able to watch at home. However, it is only myself and the kids who watch television at home. We love soccer and rugby. I asked my hubby why he never watches sports with us. His answer was that it is more fun when he watches with his friends. At times, he comes home very late, claiming they have drinks after the match.

A fortnight ago, he came back home with a swollen lip and a missing tooth. He looked very funny when he came in and I just burst into laughter.

I asked what had happened but he never told me anything. Instead, he went into a very foul mood, accusing me of not caring for him because I had laughed. We are not talking and I have a feeling something very bad happened. Is it a good idea for me to go on a witch-hunt and get to the bottom of this nonsense?

Response

I personally think your husband should balance his social life so that he is not with friends all the time. His wife and kids need him too. Try to make the home environment conducive to his needs. You need all hands on deck, him included. Suggest you can host his friends and pair it with a braai at home occasionally. Try to keep the number as minimal as possible. As for the outburst, I think you failed to control yourself.

Your first reaction should not have been to laugh but to ask what had happened and offer to take him to a medical centre for a checkup. He could have been involved in a freaky accident or been attacked by some unscrupulous characters. I do not know his character, but you sound very cold and insensitive about the whole incident. Why? Instead of finding out what happened behind his back, I think it is better to apologise and ask him to tell you himself. He may be yearning for a shoulder to cry on. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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