Overcoming hurt, pain brought on by loved ones

Nolwazi Mnikwa

There’s a lot of hurt and pain that has been brought on by relationships. The causes of the pain vary. Sometimes the pain is as a result of being neglected by someone you hold dear; sometimes it’s as a result of being betrayed by that close friend who blurted out that deep secret you shared with them in confidence. 

In some instances, the pain is caused by that parent who is not emotionally available for their child. Yet despite all the pain, the agony and the hurt, there’s a longing from deep within to have someone to laugh with, to share secrets with, to hang out with, to lean on and to support. 

However, if the cause of the pain experienced in one type of relationship is not dealt with, it will highly likely become baggage that will cause problems in another type of relationship. 

For example, an individual who was betrayed by a close friend will find it hard to trust whether in a romantic relationship or in a business partnership. It’s therefore important to identify the things that caused you pain in a relationship and address them before they affect the quality of your relationships.

One thing I’ve realised is that holding onto the hurts, the pain, the anger and the disappointments doesn’t affect the perpetrator but it affects the one who harbours these feelings and emotions. Yes, that person did you wrong, they lied, they cheated, they hurt you but holding onto it only takes away your joy.

The other person has most likely forgotten what they did to you, and if you continue to hold onto those experiences and feelings, you put yourself in a position where you’re continuously re-living that moment and in the process you’re hurting yourself over and over again. It becomes imperative to find ways to overcome the hurt, the pain and the disappointments, which is what we’re looking into today.

I know it sounds easier said than done as there  are just some experiences that can’t be forgotten. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you blur out the experience from your memory, but I’m simply highlighting that you can draw strength from that experience. 

That strength is drawn through the ability to find ways to overcome the hard hitting effects associated with that experience. How then can you work towards overcoming the burst of emotions triggered by those nasty experiences you may ask? Well here are a few ways that can be of assistance.

The first step is that of forgiveness. As hard as it may be, forgiving the friend, spouse, parent, child, relative or business associate who wronged you is the first step to releasing all the build-up of emotions you have towards them. 

 

It will definitely not be an overnight process but it’s one that will help you a great deal. You know there are people who have had high blood pressure, panic attacks and even anxiety attacks all as a result of keeping in the feelings of pain brought on by a loved one or associate.

In worst case scenarios, some individuals have even experienced depression. This is because sometimes individuals become so wrapped up in the wrongs done to them by their loved ones and they forget to enjoy the present moments. 

If you pay careful attention, you’ll realise that unforgiveness is destructive to the one who holds it. To forgive is to take back your joy, your power and your freedom to enjoy good health and a stress free life. American musician, Usher Raymond once said, “forgiveness is the attribute of the strong, the weak can never forgive”. 

Forgiveness not only releases your power back to you, but it’s also a sign of strength, the kind of strength that evidences that you’re not controlled by your circumstances but you can rise above that which brings you pain. How then does one forgive?

There needs to be an intentional decision to forgive. Regardless of what your sister said, be intentional about forgiving them, regardless of how hard your parents disciplined you, be intentional about forgiving them, regardless of how much money your business partner cheated you out of, be intentional about forgiving them. 

It’s only when one is intentional about doing something that effort is put in and the end result is achieved. In addition to being intentional about forgiving, there’s the need to be receptive to forgiveness.

The heart sometimes seems to have a mind of its own whereby the brain is in a state of forgiveness but the heart just chooses otherwise. Therefore, in being receptive to forgiveness, there’s the need for an individual to train their heart to forgive the relations that ill-treated them or did them wrong. 

Sometimes the one who was wronged condemns themselves as they feel they’re responsible for how they were treated by the perpetrator and in such instances, it’s very critical for the one who was wronged to forgive self in order to heal.

Forgiveness is also important in that it takes away thoughts and feelings of revenge which oftentimes do more harm than good. I remember a song I used to listen to growing up which had the lyrics, “two wrongs don’t make a right”. Revenge is in itself not a good idea and the best way to overcome feelings and thoughts of revenge is to forgive that loved one, that friend or that business partner.

Another way that can help one overcome is to distract self when flashbacks that provoke the feelings of pain and hurt resurface. I’ve noticed that flashbacks somehow have a real-life effect as one tends to feel exactly the way they felt when the incident or experience occurred. 

A good distraction in this regard is to think of or write down the positive lessons that you took out of the experience as well as to emphasise the positive qualities about that relation who wronged you. Focusing on the positives subconsciously reduces pain, trauma and stress.

Having a journal to write down feelings is an effective stress management tool and it’s one of the ways that can help overcome feelings of hurt or pain brought on by loved ones. I know this concept may be considered “girly” as it is females who are widely known to keep diaries. However, it’s not “girly” at all as it is highly effective in helping an individual deal with feelings.

One thing I’ve come to realise is that the associate, friend, spouse or relation that causes you pain, is also in some kind of pain. In most cases he/she is a victim of circumstances and past hurts which have not been addressed, and they’re just replicating what they have known as their reality. 

It’s therefore important to cultivate empathy for them, to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. In this way, you find you may be able to help them come out of this position they’re in, you may be able to help them stop hurting you as well as to stop hurting others as well.

I’m not condoning bad behaviour, nor am I being oblivious to the fact that bad behaviour stems from somewhere and that person expressing bad behaviour is also in need of help. A child who grew up in a violent home will perceive violence as normal even when older, such that his/her life will be surrounded by violence.