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“AUNTY Charity, I live with a man who is very intimidating. He can be overpowering at times, and many times I feel that I have to see things his way or not have an opinion at all. Surprisingly, he feels the same way. He often feels that I am controlling as well and that he cannot disagree with me, I can almost relate to what he goes through because I am a control freak and I really enjoy being in control. I had the courage to share this with him and he said that he did not want me to feel controlled, and I certainly don’t like it. I am wondering if others get into power struggles with each other in their marriages too, and if so I want to know what they do to make sure they do not come out strong as controlling people.”
Money, sex, in-laws, ideas, communication, children and extended families tops the list of plain concerns couples struggle within their marriage. Although there are deeper and more significant issues that can cause tug of war in many homes these top the list. These are hidden from direct discussion or awareness, but are usually the underlying cause of many problems in marriages as most people want to be in charge and control their homes. Care, respect, interest, play, attention, and power are the real issues couples have, these are the themes that make for happiness or misery, that fulfill or destroy dreams in many marriages.
Couples who have harmony in these realms have relationships that hold together, raise strength, and cultivate creativity. As human beings we are creatures driven by invisible currents, often imperceptible to the casual or the inattentive observer, and sometimes as humans we subconsciously get obsessed with being in control all the time. We fantasise about always being right and sadly we even premeditate on fights that we will have with our partners just so we can win and get the satisfaction that we are in charge.
However, when winning and being right becomes more important than being in love, the victory and temporary sense of righteousness is hollow and short-lived. When you too often worry about having control over your partner then you know there is something wrong with your marriage. Power struggles are common in most households and have also proved to be unhealthy because they lead to disaster. Power struggles are poisonous to healthy, happy, open relationships. They usually have very little to do with what you are actually arguing about and they have everything to do with how each of you feels about your place and position in the marriage.
If you are married or have been married, then you know that marriage can be extremely tough. It is a juggling act of balancing your needs within the needs of your relationship. It is that constant tug and pull of blending what you want individually with balancing the needs of your partner. As if that was not tough enough, add into the marital equation your perception of the ideal marriage. Most people, especially women have unrealistic fantasies of what marriage should be its almost like they have a fantasy marriage handbook.
Men do it too, I have a certain friend of mine who wants his wife to kneel when she serves him food or asks for something, I personally do not like being on my knees because it is uncomfortable so I can imagine what this woman has to go through. I once asked him if he kneels for his wife and he said he would never. My biggest question was why she should do it if he himself despises it this much. I respected the fact that it was a thumb rule for their marriage but I still think it is unfair for a partner to prove they are in control by making their partner to do things they themselves are not comfortable with.
Back in the day our relationships were clearly defined, the man made the money, the woman ran the home, but today such distinct dividing lines have become blurred, leading to an increasingly bitter struggle for power in the home. What we need is a fresh approach to help restore domestic bliss or maybe and just maybe we should go back to doing things like we used to in the golden olden days.
Looking back I think power struggles were less amplified because roles were clearly defined, it was clear that men and women had separate spheres, she looked after the house while he made the money and decided how to spend the money. These rigid divides no longer work in the age of equality and this result in constant power struggles. Ultimately, we are all tempted to try to control our partner from time to time, but love is built on respect and it is hard to respect a “yes” partner. It is in our own and our marriage’s best interests not to always get our own way. The power struggle challenge becomes a blessing when you use it as a catalyst for self-awareness, a call to heal and a springboard into a new, mature, balanced way of communicating and loving but should not choke your partner.
A powerful bridge is built between two people when they truly walk in the other’s shoes. A sigh of relief often occurs when we let the other person know we see and understand what they are saying. We too feel relief and actually experience healing when our partner offers empathy. Empathy causes us to change our style, seeing and feeling the impact of what we are doing to our partner. The next time you feel the urge to control your partner remember you are one and when you took your vows you said you were cleaving onto each other, therefore whatever you do or say remember you are doing it and saying it back to yourself.
The issue of power in marriage often lies in the ability to get another person to think, feel, or do something they would not have ordinarily done spontaneously or if they had a choice. If one possesses the means to affect another, one has power over that person. If one uses one’s power to gain respect or get things done, it is called influence. If one’s influence is successful, it is called control.
Power can lead to influence and influence can lead to control. Each person in a relationship has some power but sometimes people abuse that power. It might be twisted to one person or the other. To unfairly use one’s power constitutes an injustice in a marriage.
Happy marriages to you all — do not be caught in power struggles, just remember you are one and you should love each other and treat each other with love.
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derick.khumalo