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Mertha Mo Nyamande
ISSUES relating to infidelity have been topical since time immemorial.
These matters contribute to divorces and a decline in the moral fabric, as children raised in broken homes are known to struggle more with emotional and behavioural challenges compared to those raised in healthy nuclear families.
Although we may not acknowledge it, we have somewhat normalised these behaviours and accepted them as cultural norms — “the new normal”.
These matters are centred around attachment issues that lead to addictions, psychological distress and poverty.
Men and women view infidelity and divorce issues differently, but more importantly, the ways we are raised are what really inform how we perceive life. There is a saying that goes: We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. This simply means, what is often talked about more are actions observed than the intentions or the hidden thoughts behind the actions.
Cases of infidelity and multiple intimate partners can better be explained by the concept of psychoanalysis, founded by Sigmund Freud. The more pressing issues that arise from such behaviours are betrayal of trust, especially in the marriage institution and committed intimate relationships.
This betrayal triggers ingrained childhood insecurities and core schemas around what the parties may understand these events to mean.
It usually centres around unresolved traumas and unsatisfied psychological needs throughout early childhood development, whether actual or perceived.
The betrayal of trust ties closely with the initial fear of abandonment in every child until reassurance is provided by the actions and availability of the caregivers, mainly the parents.
It is important to note that infidelity is not only the physical act, but more about the emotional feeling caused by the divided attention.
This is why texting has increasingly been causing disharmony in marriages.
Successful relationships are those where couples and families have agreed on mission statements.
So, in cases where perceived or actual infidelity occurs, both parties are affected in how they communicate and truly understand each other’s intentions.
The anxieties around potential loss of trust or the entire relationship and all the associated fantasies, hopes and dreams can lead to depression, especially in how these issues are dealt with by either party.
Such issues require much more than verbal apologies.
The issues provide opportunities for more in-depth discussions around each other’s fears and how these can be managed by both parties, without focusing much on the event that supposedly damaged the relationship.
If children are present, they are equally affected, although they may not be in a position to understand or verbalise these openly or directly. Therefore, whatever chosen interventions are taken, they must take into account how the children have been affected by the absence or unavailability of the caregiver during the course of these events.
Apologies, therefore, involve deep introspection to understand one’s own needs and associated behaviours and how that may have been perceived by others.
Beyond this introspection and communication of the apology comes the behavioural shift. This is more important than the verbal apology, as this shows genuine remorse for the actions.
While this is crucial, it is the most difficult part, as habits are not usually easy to change, especially those learnt from childhood. This is why involving children in conflict resolution also helps them to learn and understand that whatever they experienced and observed required such interventions.
Leaving children out of the resolutions means they are likely to continue thinking that whatever occurred is normal, and will, therefore, be replicated and stored as core schemas.
The common mistake most families and couples make is trying to resolve the issues in isolation; between themselves.
Albert Einstein once said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”
This is largely because both parties would have gone to a point where they have been hurt by the events, regardless of who started inflicting the pain.
They try to remedy the situation many years later and this can become messy, with the parties engaging in self-blame or blaming each other, instead of focusing on the solutions.
The involvement of a neutral person ensures that other learning or health needs are identified and signposted so as not to just put an adhesive bandage on a broken bone.
Remedies must focus on the bigger picture for lasting solutions, than be knee-jerk reactions.
Meaningful remedies require the intervention of a neutral person or people who are not related to either parties to avoid the tete or sekuru biases. Families tend to support and protect their own cultures or habits.
Mertha Mo Nyamande is a psychotherapist. He can be contacted on: [email protected] or @ www.i-wellbeing.weebly.com
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