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Nolwazi Mnikwa
Last week we started on a topic of interest to quite a large number of people. We looked into red flags in relationships and what they are. We also gave examples of some red flags to look out for in relationships. There’s quite a number of red flags to look out for but we’ll only look at a few.
The inability to resolve conflict is a red flag that must not be ignored. There are people who avoid conflict at all costs as they somehow think that by avoiding conflict, they’re protecting the relationship from ruin.
They think that by avoiding conflict, there will not be an outburst of emotions and tempers will eventually cool down. Yet the opposite is true.
Avoiding conflict has negative effects in the long-term. When conflict is avoided, feelings are temporarily suppressed and the root cause of the conflict is not dealt with but it is ignored.
Ignoring a problem doesn’t solve it but it creates an opportunity for the problem to develop longer roots, branches and leaves, meaning the problem will only grow bigger. It’s the size of the bigger problem that will in turn ruin the relationship.
When someone chooses to avoid conflict, he/she is causing the partner a lot of emotional distress and pain. The best way to avoid this is to resolve conflict.
Some people avoid conflict simply because they know they’re in the wrong and their pride will not allow for them to admit they’re wrong. They don’t realise that the result of their behaviour is resentment from their partner.
Resolving conflict can be a very uncomfortable process but it is a crucial aspect of all types of relationships as leaving issues unresolved is detrimental to any relationship.
Gaslighting is a kind of psychological manipulation where a partner tries to plant thoughts of doubt and confusion in their partner’s mind. This is done for the purpose of undermining one’s confidence, making someone easier to control or isolating someone among many other reasons.
Examples of gaslighting include the manipulating individual telling their partner that he/she is overeating, making their partner doubt the recollection of events or even doubt their perception of things as well as denying what the victim knows to be true.
A “gaslighter” will say phrases like; “That never happened” even though it did happen, they will say things like; “Everyone agrees with me” just to make their partner doubt themselves.
They will even say things like; “I don’t know what you want me to say” just to make their partner feel guilty for demanding accountability on certain issues.
Gaslighting is very wrong and it is a red flag not to be ignored in any form of relationship. In the workplace, an employer can use a gaslighting approach of undermining employee performance in order to avoid paying them salaries that are worth their level of effort.
When your partner is negatively affecting your relationship with family, friends, colleagues and even business associates, that is another type of red flag to be wary of.
Family or friends tend to provide a sense of community whereas colleagues and business partners are key in career and business growth. For one to then negatively affect any of these relationships of yours is unjustifiable. It is a red flag.
Someone who would have a negative effect on these relationships in their partners’ life is indirectly revealing a selfish motive whereby he/she wants their partner all to themselves and this is also a sign of controlling as well as manipulative behaviour.
To avoid regrets in the long run, this red flag should be addressed the very moment it shows its ugly head.
I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or WhatsApp +263775978857.
Online Reporter
Bongani Ndlovu