Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN
Are you tired of attracting the same type of partner, only to end up in a similar cycle of heartache and disappointment? You are not alone.
Many singles, especially mature ones, have been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt. But before you throw in the towel and give up on love, let us explore why this might be happening and what you can do to break the cycle.
Why do we attract the same type?
According to Dr Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting the Love You Want,” we often attract partners who mirror our unresolved childhood issues or unconscious patterns.
“We’re drawn to people who are familiar, even if they’re not good for us,” Hendrix explains.
This means that if we do not address our underlying issues, we will continue to attract partners who trigger the same old patterns.
Red Flags: To run or not to run?
Red flags in relationships have been a hot topic on this platform in the past. Most people know and ignore red flags, hoping by some feat, things will just fall into place some day.
But is there a wrong and right way to approach it? What should you do when you spot red flags? Is it always that you should run for your life, or try to find some way around them?
According to Dr Henry Cloud, author of “Boundaries in Dating,” some red flags are non-negotiable. “If someone is dishonest, abusive, or unfaithful, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship,” Cloud advises.
However, not all red flags are deal-breakers. Dr Sue Johnson, author of “Hold Me Tight,” suggests that some issues can be worked through with effort and commitment from both partners.
“It’s not about finding someone who is perfect; it’s about finding someone who is willing to grow and work through challenges with you,” Johnson explains.
I would go on to add that the partner has to be willing to receive feedback about their blind spots or traits that ruin a relationship and be willing to correct them. Some people are just not interested in hearing any feedback that does not sing praises.
In such a case it becomes difficult for one partner to work through the challenges. It should take both partners, being on the same side,open and prepared to mend the cracks in their relationships.
So if attracting a certain type of partner is a pattern in your life, what can you do to break the cycle and attract a healthier partner?
Genuine self-reflection: Take time to understand your underlying patterns and unresolved issues and by this I mean, have a “no-holds-barred” conversation with yourself. Where is this coming from,is it historical,generational, like there’s a pattern somewhere in the history of the men or women in your family?
Understanding this can help us get to the root of the problem and Seek the right kind of help. For some that means seeking therapy or counselling to work through these challenges, for others it might require addressing it spiritually first.
Purpose and values: Clarify your purpose and values in life. What kind of relationship do you want to build? What values are non-negotiable for you? What kind of partner would you be happy to be around — whether to celebrate successes, deal with failures or just “doing life” or adulting together?
Prayerful Selection: When seeking a partner, pray for guidance and discernment. Ask God to reveal any red flags or potential issues then be decisive about the red flags. I reckon ignoring red flags entirely would be a mistake of sorts.
Character over chemistry: Experts recommend that we prioritise character and personality over chemistry and attraction, but how many of us can put chemistry on hold to spend some time getting to know the actual person?
Here, the recommendation is to look for someone with a strong moral compass, emotional intelligence, and a willingness to grow. Being of the same faith is as critical while others consider it only as an added advantage. It is up to an individual.
Here’s a question for you: Who stands to lose when you give up?
No doubt when you give up on love, you stand to lose the opportunity to experience the beauty and joy of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
But more importantly, you risk losing faith in yourself, your worth, and your ability to attract love. Sometimes this, then manifests in a wonderful yet bitter individual, paranoid, cynical, negative, “never-seeing-good-in-others” type of person.
And usually the individual does not see that this is who they have become, sadly.
However, God has not given up on you! He loves you. He wants the best for you.
Will you reconsider your own way if doing things and let Him speak into your life His very purpose?
Remember, God is the ultimate matchmaker. He desires to see you in a loving, healthy relationship. As Psalm 37:4-5 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this.”
Despite previous unpleasant experiences, I would still say do not give up on love. I’ve often said, at least keep an open heart, if love comes, great. If it takes longer, hey, stay on course nonetheless. Have that
“can do” attitude.
You are not excluded from happiness and love unless it is your choice. Otherwise keep the hope alive, keep praying, and keep trusting that God has someone special in store for you.
I would love to hear from you! And to hear all about it and celebrate with you when love happens for you.
Share your thoughts, insights, testimonials, experiences, and prayer requests with us.
And just so you know, I did not always know what to do, I also have experiences where I got it all wrong that I can share as we interact and exchange insights that help improve where we are in the journey of love.
And as we wrap up for this week, if you are a marriage counsellor or relationship coach, I would love to connect with you as there is much work to explore in efforts to build stronger, enduring relationships and marriages.
Till next time, do spread some love. You are blessed!
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