adminHe always mourned that his wife had no respect for him and because he had moved out of the matrimonial home several times only to return due to rudimentary methods employed by his brothers and sisters to reconcile him and his wife.
He felt trapped in his marriage. According to him, his home was a newly found prison. After some time the wife died and things fell apart for Arthur.
One weekend my sister persuaded me to take Arthur out for fishing as a way of trying to help him cope with his wife’s loss. She insisted that Arthur needed a break from his personal misfortunes. She told me that most of her fellow parishioners were concerned about Arthur’s deteriorating faith, health and family life.
While we were fishing Arthur told me more than 10 times how he was enjoying life after the death of his wife though it was abundantly clear that he was failing to keep it together.
As we were talking several questions came to mind:
Why did he keep on referring to the good life that he was living after the death of his “bad” wife?
Was it not merely compensatory behaviour for him to point out repeatedly that his life was now good?
Despite her commandeering behaviour it appeared she was responsible for holding Arthur’s life together.
A few months after our fishing expedition, Arthur (a skilled corporate finance dealmaker) was fired from his job for incompetence. One thing led to another and he eventually passed on.
The fact that he continued wallowing in self-pity fast tracked his journey to the grave. Arthur, like most people, suffered from self-pity. He had too many internal battles going through his mind than external ones. He behaved as if the world or someone else owed him something.
What causes self-pity?
Situations that lead to self-pity include family bereavement, divorce, losing a job or a lifetime opportunity.
In all these scenarios a person who cannot come to terms with such a loss tends to mourn for years.
Self-pity is an extreme negative mental condition driven by the past, which an individual fails to get over.
As a consequence of some of the factors noted above individuals suffering from self–pity take any of these misfortunes personally.
Victims of self-pity take personal mishaps or personal injury. They normally want the whole world to help shoulder their pain.
It is a negative force in an individual’s life. Self-pity can be traced to a weak mental state that is incapable of handling setbacks or failure.
Most people in this negative condition keep asking themselves the question: Why me? Why me?
Symptoms of self-pity
A person who is in a self-pity predisposition behaves like a millipede. Once someone steps on it, it withdraws and all its beauty is gone.
When a mishap occurs, everything else ceases to be important.
One of the earliest symptoms of self-pity is the withdrawal of an individual from groups, clubs and crowds.
Most victims of self–pity are introverts. They are people who are in their own cocoons. Such people’s behaviours and attitudes change rapidly and they start demonstrating melancholy mindsets.
These people exhibit a distorted way of thinking, seeing and feeling which is different from their behaviour in the past.
People with self-pity sometimes take solace in alcohol and drugs. Such people tend to believe in drowning their sorrows. However, most recent research reveals that drunkenness actually magnifies the sorrows.
Therefore, one can easily degenerate into an alcoholic or drug addict in an effort to deal with a past mishap.
Effects of self-pity
Self-pity is one of the worst mental conditions which can cause havoc on people’s careers, health and lifestyles.
Even though Arthur was talented, he lost his workmanship when he got into the self-pity mode. When one is in a self–pity mode, one loses his/her concentration by focussing on themselves on how they have been wronged by the world or God or whoever can control their destiny.
Self-pity causes people to be too inward looking and self-centred. They can’t give love or attention to anybody.
They only expect to receive too much love from other people. At their worst, people in self-pity prison are fastidious people.
Self-pity makes a person lose his or her trait, self-respect, and self-esteem. In the Bible, two men of valour, David and Gideon had to be assisted by God to move out of their self-pity mode.
Gideon (being a grafted Jew) needed an angel to convince him that he had the abilities to fight the Midians.
His major preoccupation was beating the wheat so that the Midians will not lay their hands on it, instead of leading the Israelites to war with the Midians.
His negative mental state (self-pity) is depicted when he said: “Excuse me, my Lord, but if Jehovah is with us, then why has all this come upon us . . . And now Jehovah has deserted us and he gives us into the palm of Midian . . . My thousand is the least in Manasseh, and I am the smallest in my father’s house.’’(Judges 6 v13-15 (NWT).
Thereafter Gideon conquered the Midians. Due to his self-pity condition, Gideon lost the purpose of his calling that is to lead the Israelites.
He demonstrated that he had lost control of what was happening to him in particular and Israelites at large.
He appeared to have surrendered his and the Israelites’ destiny to the wheels of fortune.
Joab had to help David to come out of his self-pity. Joab was told to help David because “ . . . the King is weeping, and he carries on weeping over Absalom’’. (2 Samuel 19 v 1(NWT).
David neglected all his responsibilities due to mourning. He sacrificed his responsibilities as the head of state, head of priesthood and judge of the Israelites.
As alluded to above self–pity can cause an individual to degenerate into a drug addict or alcoholic.
This condition can cause a person to miss personal set goals and lose people who matter in his or her life.
At times one demonstrates a lack of purpose in life due to self-pity. Modern life requires people who have an acceptable level of self-confidence and aggression, which is not found in victims of self-pity.
The sad ending to Arthur’s glittering corporate finance career is a clear testimony that neither talent nor skill can flourish in a self-pity predisposition.
Methods of overcoming self-pity
Many psychologists suggest that self-pity is a comforting behaviour that fills the need for obsessive thinking.
The first step towards healing is to recognise it when it creeps into your thoughts and try to eliminate it.
The following are some of the methods one can employ to overcome self-pity:
Physical exercises are important in arresting most types of depressions. Health experts argue that if one gets the heart rate going this will also have a positive effect on your emotional well-being.
The argument is if one moves one’s body, one’s mind will also move. (www.spiritualriver.com)
People who are in self-pity mode are encouraged to look at things they are grateful about in their lives.
One cannot feel gratitude and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Gratitude is route to move out of this self absorption condition and personal misery.(www.spiritualriver.com)
Self-pity can be ameliorated by giving out love to other people. Instead of focusing on yourself, you are encouraged to focus on other people by making outreach programmes to meet and visit other people who are facing all sorts of difficulties in life.
If depression is beyond what one can solve internally, one is encouraged to seek counselling from professional counsellors. However, this requires one to swallow his/her pride. Each person is a miracle on this planet, so it is important to be grateful for who you are.
Remember you are fearfully and beautifully crafted for the purpose of transforming lives of mankind instead of dwelling in negative self-absorption and misery.
The writer is a managing consultant at CLC Training International. E-mail [email protected]
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