admin
Laina Makuzha
Love by Design
In the Valentine’s Day aftermath, I hope I find you well and love blossoming all the more. Some had a really great time on Valentine’s Day, some, not so much and yet others have weekend plans to have that special celebration of their love. The whole month remains awash with activities to help couples create that special time in between busy schedules.
So maybe Valentine is not your thing. That’s okay too as discussed in last week’s instalment. We do recognise and acknowledge the differences in people. Indeed, love means different things to different people, and approaches to love also differ, more so when we speak of what it means to a man, and to a woman.
Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love.
I like to start conversations about all kinds of relationships and especially romantic relationships just to get an idea of what other people think about different topics. In one of those discussions, while trying to find out what love means to different people, and why there seems to be so much strife between men and women, one gentleman said: “To a man, love is respect from a woman. You can’t claim to love me if you don’t respect me, I would rather be respected than loved if it comes down to it”.
He gave an example of how a wife may express anger, maybe go on and on, when her husband comes home late – saying this was not the best approach if one wanted to yield good results from that situation.
He said: “Typically you can still show respect to your man if he has wronged you or made some mistake that might even be embarrassing to him, for instance misjudging a situation, a business deal etc. He already knows where he has messed up. If you continue to treat him respectfully, men will normally appreciate that respect more than anything.
He said: “Naturally we think by expressing how someone hurt us right in the heat of the moment, showing how angry we are helps to make them really see how painful it is, but that doesn’t help the situation. But if you restrain yourself, say, when your man has come home late, serve him food, speak in your usual respectful way, you are likely to get a better outcome. You give yourself time to understand the situation and to calm down, as sometimes there will really be a genuine reason for his actions.
“We have this self-regulating thing — if I can call it that — in response to respect. Something registers in a man when he receives respect, even more so after doing something that may be upsetting to his partner. On his own, he will adjust himself, change his ways, or resolve to do better because of the respectful reception at home”.
“However, how many times have you seen a man sleeping in a corner in the bar and the wife is freaking out at home, meanwhile he is not doing anything wrong as she might imagine?”
He went on to say this approach could provoke the man into stubbornness. “Let me tell you, there are men who stay in the bar till late, knowing very well the wife raises hell when he gets home late.
He had a few examples to give, of situations where a better result could have been achieved if one partner understood how to show love without judgement.
That reminded me of an edition of this column where we discussed love languages and mentioned 5 primary ways of expressing and receiving love, which are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Looking at these, many of them just take the right attitude to be able to do.
I wanted to unpack them individually, especially in the month of love ,starting with acts of service this week:
What is an act of service?
An act of service can be described as the physical expression of a thoughtful gesture.
At its core, an act of service is about someone going out of their way to meaningfully help and support the other person.
When you take initiative to ease some of your loved one’s responsibilities and burdens, it helps them feel taken care of, safe, and loved in return.
Holistic therapist Medina Colaku, M.A., puts it this way: “An act of service is about dedicated time and effort, usually in a nonverbal way. It is quite literally showing up in ways that are tangible, meaning actions speak louder than words.”
Acts of service can bring couples closer as they bond or just show love and kindness inspite of what may be happening in the relationship. They can help mend things between couples and even for family and friends. This article will look at what you can do for your partner, and hopefully you will find something relatable that you can do, especially if acts of service happen to matter to them as a primary love language, that is, the way they feel the most loved.
To strike the right balance in giving and avoid burnout on your part, you could use the approach where you pay attention to their daily activities and notice where you can chip in, or check things off their to-do list and fit that into your schedule naturally. By so doing you are lessening their burden, chores or erands — which is a really great thing to do in the name of love.
It’s really about going after a much more emotionally subtle feeling where they feel like they can trust you to have their back, for the small and the big things.
See how you feel about these suggested acts of service your partner below from mindbodygreen.com
Pick up their favourite snack when shopping for groceries
Open the door for them
Fix breakfast to serve in bed before they wake up
Help take off their shoes
Randomly take them out to their favourite restaurant after a long day
Put away their suitcase when they’re tired after a work trip
Book a massage so they can relax
Take care of the family and give them the day off
Do their preferred date activity, even if it’s not your first choice
Make the bed with clean sheets
Complete a project they haven’t had the time to do yet, like organizing the drawers or cleaning out the fridge
Preemptively buy toiletries or household items before supplies go low
Nurse them when they’re sick
Play their favourite music in the house
Put the toilet seat down
Do one of their chores, even when it’s their turn
Give them a massage when they’re feeling stressed
Pack their lunch if they have a busy day
Offer to carry heavy things for them
Help out with a home improvement project
Pick up a guilty pleasure snack as a surprise
Put away the dishes without them asking
Do the grocery shopping
Make a cup of coffee in the morning
Learn their favourite recipe for a surprise date
Tidy up their personal space and put everything back exactly where they like it
Clean up the house while they make time to rest
Take out the trash
Cook an old family recipe when they’re feeling homesick
Draw a bath for them
Wait to watch the show on Netflix so you can binge it together
Encourage them to do something for them, like seeing their friends or doing an activity they like but don’t do often
Create a self-care or workout playlist for them to listen to when they take time to relax
Schedule a video call with their loved ones to catch up
Show interest in their hobby by attending an event they care about
Run their errands for them
I would add that, if applicable, you can also get partner’s car cleaned or clean it yourself, get it fuelled and a whole lot more. The idea is to pick something or different things at different times, and it can be a pleasant surprise if you were not already doing it.
As always I would love to hear from you with your own list of acts of service for your partner, your views or experiences with acts of service. Which of the suggested acts of service were you already doing, and which ones might you be interested in trying out? In the meantime, a scripture that comes to mind is Colossians 3v17 “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” As some would say, “Ane nzeve ngaanzwe, put simply: let him(or her) who has ears hear.
Feedback: Whatsapp:0719102572
Email: [email protected]
Twitter:@Ledisoul
Online Reporter