Langa Mabena
IN a world that is turning upside down, you wonder what people want in love relationships. Tips and sex lessons are everywhere, but you still find divorce statistics so alarming. Then this makes it obvious that in relationships it is not all about klof klof (sex).
Everyone wants a deeper connection with her partner and it’s not just about sex, there is something needed. Men know better than anyone how sex can be so superficial and therefore not that “connecting”. They are in a rush and they know how quickly they can be done without feeling much of anything. However, when they are with women, they are looking for more than just sex, they are looking for the shared experience and connection.
On that same note, most guys could have sex or self-pleasure themselves every single day, maybe twice a day. Most times women may get the feeling that all men want is sex (the release), in fact, men do want sex because that may be the only time women are capable of being fully present. If men want intimacy and connection with this alluring species, they are confident that they will get it during sex because women are incapable of being fully present at any other time considering that they are multi-taskers.
We have been misled to believe that all men want is sex. After life’s journey, I began to realise that was not true. If it was all about klof klof, then relationships wouldn’t be too complicated. Now don’t get me wrong, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there’s something that is more important than sex. It’s something that men have difficulty admitting and women have difficulty giving! Everyone needs to feel safe, cared for, seen for who she/he is and accepted even with all her excesses and deficits.
Truth be told, wanting sex is synonymous with being a man. Always wanting sex is the mark of manliness for many. It’s better to be turned down again and again and be seen as a jerk who is totally preoccupied with sex than to want something more than sex and be seen as “less than a man.”
So, what do men want more than sex? We have all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved. Let’s look more deeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. I call it the need for a safe harbour.
The world of men is a world of competition. On the most basic level, men compete with other men for access to the most desirable women. Men make the advances and women decide which men they will accept. Sure, in modern times these roles are less rigid than they once were, but it is still the same issues of sex and what you bring to the table. Getting into a woman’s body, who is special to him, gives men a sense of peace and homecoming that goes way beyond simple sexual pleasure.
As people age, they learn and experience a lot to do with relationships. One of the biggest lessons will be knowing that it is not all about klof klof as you can get it anywhere and anytime you want. If you have been battered and bruised by the world of competition and rejection, you know better what am talking about. It is then, when you begin to long for that safe harbour where you don’t have to pretend to be something you are not in order to be chosen. All you long for is someone who sees you for who you are and still wants you anyway, who can hold and touch you, not just the body, but your heart and soul as well.
“Always wanting sex” is part of the male persona they wear to show they are manly. What they want is a safe harbour where they can take refuge, relax, and be cared for. In other words, they want the feeling of being nurtured that most of them didn’t get enough when they were children.
Just as it is difficult for men to ask to be held, nurtured and touched, it’s often difficult for women to give that kind of intimacy. There are three main reasons, which are often subconscious. First, women have their own conditioning about men being men. If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough.
Second, a man wanting to be held and nurtured, triggers feelings that they are dealing with a boy, not a man. Women want a man, not another little boy to compete with their sons.
Third, women fear men who don’t feel manly. They know that the most violent men are men who feel weak and powerless. They have often had experiences of men allowing themselves to be gentle and vulnerable, only to have them respond with anger and rage later.
It takes a lot of time and maturity for men to admit to themselves that they need a safe harbour where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. It takes a lot of courage to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is his need for security, love, and nurture. It requires a level of wisdom to know that allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliest thing a man can do.
For a woman, she must also go beyond her own conditioning and be open to a man who is making himself vulnerable in new ways. She must have a great deal of self-love and self-confidence to accept being a safe harbour. She must also have the strength to protect herself when his shame at being vulnerable turns to anxiety, anger or depression. It isn’t easy for men and women to take these kinds of risks, but the payoff is a lifetime of deepening love and intimacy.
Yes, men can feel loved and supported by others, including close women friends, but there is something special about having that one person who he can feel safe with, a wife, lover, or partner. That feeling of safety doesn’t have to be through sex, but that’s one of the ways men feel close and nurtured.
There are people who need more healing before they can have deeper and more loving relationships. It’s quite normal to go through a phase in your relationship where you feel a little distant from one another and sex becomes less frequent. Emotional intimacy is as important as physical contact. Take time to enjoy one another’s company and reconnect on a non-sexual level.
Physical touch is vital for building connections, but it does not always have to lead to sex. Focus on trying to include small touches as you talk or at other times throughout the day. Try injecting some fun into your relationship by doing different things to those you normally would.
Don’t forget the importance of conversation. Sometimes we go through a phase in a romantic relationship where we feel we are growing apart. It might be that life has taken over and we have stopped prioritising one another. Don’t worry if the sex sessions of the past seem out of reach, start slowly. Explore ways of getting close to one another without sex. Allow yourselves to simply enjoy one another’s company and remember the love you share without any pressure at all.
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