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A FEW weeks ago I answered a lady who was about to have an affair because she felt the love was lost in her current relationship. I explained to her the stage she was in her marriage at the time and how to get through it. I then received quite a few messages from people asking what these stages were in relationships so that they could recognise where they were at. So here they are. . .
These are the stages that relationships go through. They are five predictable relationship stages, each building on the last. By understanding the five stages of relationship, you can be better prepared to navigate through each stage successfully and not get “stuck” in any of them. I myself use these stages to determine where a couple is when giving advice, so I hope this helps you. . .
1. The Romance Stage
2. The Power Struggle Stage
3. Stability Stage
4. The Commitment Stage
5. The Co-Creation or Bliss Stage
1. The Romance Stage.
I call this the drug addiction phase. Nature designed the Romance Stage to have us fall in love. In fact, nature forces us to fall in love, but not with just anyone. . . Nature’s bias is towards survival of the species. Adaptation and growth are nature’s way of ensuring survival. Nature makes sure we fall in love with the most incompatible person in the entire universe. . .usually the person least capable of meeting our needs and most capable of making our worst nightmares come true kikiki. Yet they are the PERFECT person to push our every button and force us out of our comfort zone to ADAPT and GROW.
But of course, when we fall in love, we don’t see our partner’s flaws. If we knew about them, we would run like hell in the opposite direction. . .which I guess is why nature/love drugs us and makes us blind. Research tells us that when you fall in love, your brain releases a cocktail of chemicals (including Oxytocin, Phenylethylamine and Dopamine) designed to set your heart thumping and of course, light a fire in your loins. It is the similar feeling to being high on drugs or something, you feel on top of the world and are totally oblivious to the dangers. Just like getting high, falling in love allows you to see the world through beautiful rose coloured glasses – only seeing what makes you feel good and ignoring what makes you feel bad.
Your drug induced haze forces you to only see where you are similar to your lover, hiding you partner’s flaws and making you say and do anything to get along and please each other. Until the high wears off. That can take anywhere from two months to two years.
At this point, your brain stops producing chemicals of love and you wake up one morning with what I call a “Love Hangover”, laying next to the most incompatible person in the world.
The Romance stage has ended and the Power Struggle stage begins. Unfortunately Hollywood has glamorised the Romance Stage, making it out to be the only stage in romance/relatioships1.
As a result, when our relationship hits the Power Struggle stage, we panic and incorrectly assume that because our relationship doesn’t look all starry-eyed like in the movies, it must be wrong. Couples who hit the Power Struggle stage often break up and look for more compatible mates, only to discover that the same thing happens in their next relationship all over again. . .and again. . .and again.
2. The Power Struggle Stage (the love hangover)
The highest percentage of first marriage divorces happen here – around the three to four-year mark. This is such a painful time for most couples as the illusion that ‘romantic love will last forever’ falls away and is replaced with feelings of disappointment and anger. Instead of seeing your similarities (like you did in the Romance stage), you begin focusing on your differences and your partner’s flaws.
So, you get to work trying to change your partner back into the person you thought they were, or punish them for not being that way, or both. Often one partner pulls away and withdraws, needing space. . .and the other partner chases them feeling emotionally deserted.
If you can relate to any of this in your own relationship, then your relationship is likely stuck in the Power Struggle Stage. The goal of this stage of relationship is to establish your autonomy inside your relationship, without destroying the love connection between you. This stage can last anywhere from a few months to years and years, depending on the support and guidance you have and your willingness to grow.
There are two ways most couples deal with the Power Struggle stage.
THEY BREAK UP: They take the nearest exit and break up. Very often these people are serial daters, never fully committing, always looking for love, but finding disappointment instead.
THEY SURVIVE: They continue along their journey together, surviving through the pain and frustration of a relationship that is stuck in the past and no longer growing. People who have chosen this option typically think that good relationships involve sacrifice and compromise. Their relationship eventually emotionally flatlines, along with their sex life.
The other alternative is that you overcome the Power Struggle, either on your own, or with professional guidance. Without the maturity to navigate the Power Struggle stage and resolve your differences, you will keep returning to this painful stage over and over again throughout your relationship.
The way to move on from this stage is to accept and appreciate each other’s differences, learn to share power, and realise that using force will never get you what you want in love, realise who you are and what you have (as a couple), give up your fantasies of harmony without struggle and lastly surrender to life just the way it is.
As simple as that sounds, actually getting through the power struggle stage is not an easy ride for most couples. It is all too easy for one person to quit half way along the journey and end the relationship, because it just too much hard work, or they start having an affair.
In reality, when one partner quits the relationship midway through the Power Struggle, they are usually unwilling to face aspects of themselves that feel too scary to face confront. I believe it’s so important to get someone who knows the two of you well and are not biased to guide you through the Power Struggle.
So what can you look forward to beyond the Power Struggle?
Sorry you will have to buy next week’s paper to find out lol.
That is it from me folks this week. God bless!
Wedding Doctor can be messaged/whatsApped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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