Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Sometimes in the beautiful journey of love we need a little guidance to find our way around the unexpected twists and turns.
As a reminder, relationships are unique of course, and what works for one couple might not work for another, but we do not stop exploring better ways of loving and making relationships a success.
The blame game ‘epidemic’
Modern relationships often resemble a battlefield — well some of them — with couples hurling accusations at each other. But this blame game only leads to destruction, not solutions. As the Bible says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1).
This is quite true.
Open relationships and casual love affairs seem to have become fashionable in some societies. But at what cost? Where this happens it means as humans we have lost sight of God’s design for love and relationships. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Just observing today’s society, one might think love has lost its essence. Some couples are so bent on blame games, pointing fingers at each other for relationship woes rather than seeking ways to work around them.
It is common to hear men and women accusing each other of being abusive, mean, or manipulative. But what is the truth behind these stereotypes? Are men really unfaithful, heartless, violent? Are women being overly sensitive, nagging heartless, violent, unfaithful themselves?
There is no one answer, which partly inspired me this week to dive deeper and discuss some valuable insights from two bestselling books: “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley Jr. and “The Love Dare” by Alex and Stephen Kendrick,the brothers who produced phenomenal movies such as Fireproof and War Room.
Understanding the differences
That men and women are wired differently needs no over emphasis; and understanding these differences is key to building strong, healthy relationships. I do not particularly like boxing people or stereotyping either. However, there are some common qualities indeed that when understood, can help carve better relationships. For instance the book “His Needs, Her Needs,” suggests that men have five basic emotional needs: affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an “attractive” spouse and domestic support.
On the other hand, the author posits that women have five basic emotional needs of: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment.
The author shows that by understanding and meeting these needs, couples can build a stronger, more loving relationship. These, of course, are arguable in my view, as individuals tend to differ in emotional priorities.
“The Love Dare” challenges couples to show love and kindness to each other, even when it is difficult. The book provides 40 days of practical challenges, each designed to help couples build a stronger bond and deeper understanding of each other. The book promotes good old commitment and perseverance against hardships. The stories shared are inspiring and relatable — its format, easy to follow.
Based on these insights, here are some tried and tested tips for building a stronger relationship in these challenging times: Communicate openly and honestly with each other; make time for each other and prioritise quality time together, show affection and appreciation regularly, meet each other’s emotional needs, rather than just focusing on individual happiness and commit to persevering through challenges.
Building a strong, healthy relationship takes work and commitment from both partners. Sekutamba sekuseka, some people destroy their marriages with their lackadaisical approach.
On the other hand, those that embrace and cherish commitment, have a greater chance of building a relationship or marriage worthy of envy. I have observed that by understanding the differences between men and women and making intentional decisions to show love and kindness, couples can truly build a deeper, more fulfilling relationship — the “unbreakable” kind.
Reviving timeless love
So, how can we revive timeless love in our relationships? Whether you are just starting out or have been together for years, reading good marriage material together remains one way of finding valuable insights and practical advice for building a stronger, more loving relationship. We can dare look to the past for wisdom. Chivalry, commitment and respect were once the foundation of strong relationships. We can learn from these values and incorporate them into our modern love stories.
I have often said, as a couple, you can choose to go back to, or remind each other of how you fell in love.
Reminiscing together can help refresh your love for each other.
So this “love dare” journey consists of 40 daily challenges designed to help couples fall in love again. Would that not be lovely? I can share actual examples of this challenge for anyone interested.
Relationship experts often discuss the differences between what men and women need in relationships, and how embracing these differences can strengthen relationships.
Key takeaways
Communicating openly also involves active listening: Make an effort to understand your partner’s needs and feelings, rather than just assuming you know what your partner needs or wants; instead, ask and be clear.
Share your own needs and feelings clearly with your partner.(Some people love to be “mysterious” believing that by so doing, there’s wisdom in their unpredictability. Each to his own. But those are just games in my view, not a nice way to relate to someone you really love).
By understanding and embracing each other’s differences, couples can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. If struggling in your relationship,see what is applicable to your situation and let us discuss. I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences and insights on “the love dare”.
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