Tete neglected my child

I have been a fool for so long

AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am aged 27 and my wife is 25. We are both graduates and gainfully employed. We dated for three years and decided to have our lobola function on New Year’s Day. I love my wife deeply, but I had a concern during courtship because of a ring she always wore on her right hand. I told her it made me uncomfortable. It did not look ordinary.

She would always say it was only a dress ring. We are preparing for our white wedding and I raised the ring issue once more. To my surprise, she cried. After that, she confessed that the ring was from an ex-boyfriend who succumbed to injuries sustained in an accident a while back.

She told me that she was instructed by him to never remove the ring. I am heartbroken. I feel like cancelling everything. How many other things am I not aware of? I cannot give her my ring when she has another man’s ring on her other finger. I have been a fool for so long.

Response

Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. Your story is sad because your partner has not been honest with you. I think she has not fully healed from the previous relationship. She was wrong to keep it from you. Judging from the way you reacted, that was one of the reasons she kept you in the dark.

You can pump the brakes on the white wedding, but you are already customarily married. My advice is that you must go for counselling and try to put these and any similar issues to bed. In this instance, I would even recommend she attend grief counselling as well as marriage counselling. Work together as a couple and grow from strength to strength. I wish you all the best.

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Tete neglected my child

I am close to tears as I write to you. I am happily married and blessed with a three-year-old daughter. She is our world and she loves my parents to bits and goes to stay with them some weekends. A fortnight ago, my Tete (husband’s sister) came over to ask for our daughter. Her intentions were for her to go and play with her daughter of the same age.

I knew she was not doing it in good faith. After four days, we thought of taking some goodies to them since our child was there. We were shocked to find that they had taken a day trip and left our daughter with the gardener.

She had dry tear marks on her face because she was crying to go with the rest of the family. My husband went mad and we took our baby back home. The worst bit is they did not follow up or even call to verify if it was true that we were the ones who had taken the child.

My husband was so angry that he put this issue in the family group on WhatsApp and everyone is giving their input, which is mostly negative. Amai what must we do? This is tearing the family apart. As for my family and I, we are done with Tete.

Response

I am glad that your family structure is intact. I am not particularly impressed with the fact that you let your child go on that visit when you knew it was not in good faith and that the visit was not scheduled prior. You must protect your child at all costs and use this incident to grow from this. Tete has a case to answer. What if the gardener had run off with the child or abused her.

Why would your husband think merely voicing his anger in a WhatsApp group would resolve an issue of this magnitude? You must have a sit-down with some of your older and mature relatives and get down to the bottom of what transpired and why it happened.

Only then can the family begin to heal. Going forward, protect your child from similar scenarios. I think you have learnt a very harsh lesson that sometimes even family cannot be relied upon.

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I find it hard to give up beer

I am a married man and a father of three. I was born and bred in a family that does not follow any particular religion. My parents and siblings used to drink alcohol and when I turned 21, I joined the bandwagon.

We are all peace-loving. My wife and her family are true churchgoers. For many years, my wife used to go alone until the current reverend persuaded me to join my wife and go to church. I was quick to point out my drinking weakness but the man of the cloth assured me that once I started going to his church, the craving for beer would disappear. Amai, it is actually the opposite.

I now love alcohol more than ever before. We now get into more verbal fights than ever. My wife says I am an embarrassment because of my drinking habits. The reverend is not helping either. I feel like quitting the church.

I am a straightforward man and I do not want to drink behind closed doors. I used to drink freely now it is like I am stealing from someone. What should I do to remain true to myself?

Response

It is important to note that once you got married to your wife you, in part, became accountable to someone other than just yourself. We need to find the underlying cause of why your drinking is such a big concern of late. You sound like you are a heavy drinker.

Does it creep into your finances and time with your wife? She may have accepted that you come from a non-Christian background but now something has definitely changed. The other issue I am getting here is an issue to do with compatibility. While you may have clear differences, what brought the two of you together and are you still doing it? It takes a lot of effort to remain in love.

I applaud you for reaching out and wanting to make things right because that shows you are willing to compromise, which is necessary for every relationship. Try to find ways to please your wife, local priest and yourself with regards to this beer issue, especially now that you attend church as a couple.

I also urge you to think of your health and your finances. Too much of anything is not good. I would advise you to join an alcohol and substance abuse support group.

If you truly sense your passion for alcohol has gone past the minor indulgence phase, then you should get help while you still can. I wish you all the best.

 

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