The entitlement syndrome

Thandekile Moyo

RUMOUR has it that the Titanic, the most beautiful ship of its time, was for white people only. The only black passengers who died in the shipwreck were not even supposed to be on board, apparently.

One of my friends came to me a few weeks ago, complaining about her sister; who she claims is ‘‘filthy rich’’ but does not want to help her out financially. She says she asked her for money to service her car and she flat out refused, claiming her budget was tight this month. She says she later saw her splurging on expensive whisky for her husband and useless toys for her children. My friend was angry that her own sister, could refuse to help her out at her time of need.

I have heard many people complaining about friends and relatives who forget about them when they ‘‘make it’’. I heard someone complaining about his uncle who has so much money that he doesn’t know what to do with it; but never gives him a single cent! There seems to be this almost universal expectation that when someone who loves you starts making money, they must share it with you.

I have known quite a number of people, who ask for vegetables from their neighbours all their lives. Their housing stands are the same size, their source of water the same and their topography identical. What then, is the reason behind one planting a garden and the other neglecting to do so?

What gives the one without a garden, reason to think it is ok for them to perpetually benefit from the fruits of their neighbours labour; to the point of anger when one day the neighbour refuses to give then vegetables, falsely claiming to have sprayed them with insecticide.

I sincerely believe, the people who built the Titanic had every right to choose who they wanted on their ship and who they did not. Was it racist of them to do so? Yes! Was it a crime for them to be racist in that manner? No!

Black people need to realise that the “African,” who is said to be primitive and inferior, possesses the same imagination as any white man. This means that instead of fighting for rights to be included we need to fight to have our own creations and exclude whoever we do not want.

In the Titanic era, the environment may not have allowed for blacks to excel in their own right but I see this mentality of wanting to be included in other people’s creations prevailing even now, in 2017, a century after the Titanic sunk.

We seem to have a sense of entitlement that makes it seem ok to sit back and wait until someone else succeeds at something; then fight hard to get a piece of their pie. My friend above felt it was her sister’s responsibility to give her money yet her sister has no obligation whatsoever to share her wealth with her.

When our relatives succeed, they are well within their rights to spend their money on “useless toys” even when you have no mealie meal at home. We are not anybody’s responsibility, especially when we reach adulthood.

People help us out of the goodness of their hearts and not because we are entitled to their help. I have also felt hurt (wrongly so) when I ask for groceries money from my younger sister and she tells me she can’t because she wants to buy her $100 perfume.

Subconsciously, I look at her and think she is unmarried, has no children and no “responsibilities” so surely she must be able to help poor me, who is a “single mother” and unemployed (at the time).

I am sure subconsciously we all feel entitled to assistance. It’s only human. Unfortunately just because we feel it, doesn’t mean it is right. We need to raise ourselves to a level of consciousness where we recognise that we are responsible for all that is happening in our lives. I made a choice to be a single mother and my sister has no obligation to finance that option. She does not have to bear the financial consequences of my decisions about my life.

What makes it difficult to remember this is the kindness of those people we end up hating when they refuse to help us. Because my sister often includes me in her budget does not mean I have a right to be angry when she decides not to. She has the right to only assist me when she feels like it and needs not even explain herself when she decides not to.

My brother has been religiously paying my DSTV subscription from the day I subscribed more than five years ago. If I am not conscious of the fact that this is out of kindness and not obligation, I will hate him the day he decides he can no longer meet that cost for me.

Entitlement is the one disease causing a lot of misplaced hatred, bitterness and animosity among siblings, families, friends and nations. In raising our children, we need to teach them that in as much as we have a responsibility to take care of them, the responsibility is limited to basics necessities and only while they are minors or still at school. The rest are extras which we provide out of will and not obligation.

If we let our children feel entitled to our wealth, love, time and other things they will turn into animals the day we genuinely can no longer give them those things. These are the children we read about in the news, who kill their parents over money or murder siblings over inheritance.

Entitled children results in entitled adults who cannot take no for an answer and who believe they do not have to work to earn the lifestyle they desire.

We see these everyday in bosses who feel entitled to your services outside of working hours, political parties who feel entitled to your vote despite not earning it, spouses who feel entitled to your love and devotion despite them ill-treating you and employees who feel entitled to getting their money in full when they only put in a few days’ effort to the job.

That uncle of yours with trunks full of cash is under no obligation to pay your children’s school fees when you get retrenched. Your parents are not forced to pay for your post graduate studies even when they have the money. Your well up in-laws are not obliged to help you out even if their son is neglecting their grandchildren.

Unless you are under the age of 18, you are responsible for your own survival. It’s either you get up and build your own Titanic or you watch in bitterness as others exclude you from theirs.