The rats will abandon ship soon enough

Some seemingly brilliant ideas can sometimes be either farcical or catastrophically calamitous.

It reminds Bishop Lazi of interesting developments in Vietnam years ago.

You might probably not be able to point out this Southeast Asian country on a map, but you surely have heard of it from numerous Hollywood blockbuster war movies that both memorialise and immortalise the memory of how American troops were routed by the determined Vietnamese.

It culminated in the evacuation of the shameless Yankees in April 1975, with tails firmly between their legs.

However, Vietnam is now a sweatshop particularly for the same Americans, producing anything from rice, coffee, smartphones and footwear from popular brands such as Nike, Sketchers, Adidas and Puma.

But, before the meddlesome Americans were poking their noses in that part of the world, Vietnam was under the imperial influence of France as part of French Indochina, which also included Laos and Cambodia.

In fact, France held sway over the territory from the late 1880s to 1954.

And just as the British colonial settlers were doing in Harare after invading Zimbabwe — which was roughly the same period — the French similarly looked for land in the choicest parts of the colony’s capital, Hanoi, to build ritzy villas for the new greedy colonial administrators. The fabulous amenities that came with such palatial homes also meant the construction of a complimentary vast sewer system. Unbeknown to the French, the sufficiently dark and airy subterranean tunnels that were resultantly constructed provided labyrinthine free “villas” for one of the world’s nuisance creatures — rats.

Naturally, they multiplied exponentially.

And not only did the sewers provide luxurious breeding grounds for the rats, they also served as a conduit through which they could access commodious homes above, from where they could spirit away free food.

The problem couldn’t be ignored as the rats came with diseases such as the bubonic plague.

Faced with a growing inconvenience, Paul Doumer, who had arrived in Vietnam in 1897 as governor-general of French Indochina, thought of a “brilliant” idea.

He enlisted the services of a select “army” of rat hunters who were paid for every rat they killed. By mid-1902, they had become so prolific that they were killing more than 20 000 rodents per day. But there was one problem: The more rats they killed, the more they multiplied. The French, however, doubled down by declaring open season on the furry creatures and offering a bounty to anyone who would have killed them.

All that one had to do to claim the money — which was one cent per rat at the time —was to present its tail at the council offices.

Again, as the claimants increased, so, too, did the rat infestation.

As the French tried to figure out this conundrum, they later literally stumbled on an answer. Curious sightings of fat, tail-less rats were reported with increased regularity in Hanoi.

Well, it turned out that the enterprising Vietnamese were capturing the rodents, severing their tails and releasing them so that they could breed more rats for more tails. It made business sense, didn’t it? Kikikiki.

It was even worse.

Whole pop-up farming operations dedicated to breeding rats for their tails were also discovered. Kikikiki.

After the discovery, it didn’t take long before the whole cash-for-tails operation was abandoned altogether, bringing to an end one of the farcical episodes in Paul Doumer’s administration. This chap, who later ruled France for almost a year before his assassination in May 7, 1932, actually left a worst problem in Hanoi than he had found. Of course the highlight was the major outbreak of bubonic plaque in 1906.

You see, foolish ideas can come disguised as wise plans.

Folly

We recently discovered our own version of the “cash-for-tails” operation driven by some non-governmental organisations (NGOs) and civil society groups that were offering cash to induce youths to register to vote.

All they had to do to get the dough was simply produce a voter registration slip.

Being as enterprising as they are, the youth simply registered as many times as they could to cream off the foolish Western-sponsored organisations. Kikikiki.

Surely, a fool and his money are soon parted. Despite strident noises from these organisations and their opposition political allies to drum up support for their campaign to register first-time voters, apparently a pitiable 2000 people were registered in 2021.

While they were revelling in the misbegotten perception of a job well done, it had to take Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (ZEC) chairperson Justice Priscilla Chigumba to burst the bubble.

“I will say this without fear: There were a lot of people who were given incentives to register to vote and those people did not disclose to the NGOs and CSOs (civil society organisations) that they were already registered to vote in order to access the incentives . . .

“I am not implying, but saying this directly because they were then flagged by our system to say there is a person with one set of fingerprints who registered six times to vote, but they were already on the voters roll,” she revealed in a recent interview.

While encouraging people to vote is a very noble undertaking, why should anyone be paid to exercise rights that they are duly guaranteed by the Constitution?

Proverbs 10:23-25 tells us how fools revel in doing wrong.

“Doing wrong is fun for a fool, but living wisely brings pleasure to the sensible. When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation.”

Betting on dead horse

But the madness and desperation is likely to grow as we approach the 2023 elections.

A lot of money has been put on the table, particularly by the US, to purportedly support organisations that “promote human rights, freedom of the press and democracy” bla bla bla!

We, however, know that this is just a euphemism for laundering resources to finance parallel and shadowy campaigns for the opposition in Zimbabwe.

So prepare yourselves for more drama.

You should have seen how websites and social media platforms run by some CSOs were absolutely ecstatic when young Nelson Chamisa decided to launch his “thingy” last week.

The Bishop still doesn’t know whether it was a launch, relaunch, branding or rebranding exercise. What cannot be disputed is the fact that whatever he launched, relaunched, branded or rebranded is essentially another nth splinter of the MDC.

It is simply a variant that has been rebranded, which will remain notoriously MDC by nature.

You see, even if you put lipstick and mascara on a frog, it will remain a frog.

Even if the most brilliant plastic surgeon were to transform Zimbabwe’s Mister Ugly Hall of Famer William Masvinhu to a Michael Jackson look-alike, he will remain the same old Mbare-bred Masvinu by nature, manners and habit.

What it means is that whatever thingy was launched by Chamisa last week, it is bound to suffer the same fate — a trouncing in 2023 and a future split within its ranks — as its ancestor.

So betting on Chamisa’s Comic Cast (CCC) is tantamount to betting on a dead horse.

And whoever advised them to appropriate the same theme and colours from Fadzayi Mahere’s losing 2018 National Assembly campaign in Mount Pleasant is a joke.

But Mahere so ka. Kikikiki.

Listen to the Bishop and hear him well: If that new “thingy” is to split, as it will most assuredly do, it would most likely be traced to this young woman, who fellow party members believe comes across as egotistic and elitist, and behaves like that former First Lady, who we shall not name. Kikiki.

You should have seen how as a mere spokesperson she recently chided a whole secretary-general, Chalton Hwende, over petty party squabbles. You should also have seen how she subtly shouted down their vice president Welshman Ncube after CCC fielded two candidates in two wards in Bulawayo.

The latest imbroglio is a microcosm of the division that afflicts the opposition party, particularly in the cockpit.

Welshman is using his supposed appeal in Matabeleland as leverage, while Biti, who is viewed by the West as an alternative to Chamisa, is waiting in the wings for the right time to pounce. Well, Job Sikhala being Job Sikhala, he might unpredictably explode at any time (no pun intended). Kikikiki.

Ecclesiastes 10:1-3 says, “As dead flies cause even a bottle of perfume to stink, so a little foolishness spoils great wisdom and honour. A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one.

“You can identify fools just by the way they walk down the street!”

It is hard to imagine that these same characters, who failed to fell ZANU PF in 2018, would pose any challenge in 2023 when they continue to fall apart as they currently are.

It might be worth remembering that ZANU PF got more than 70 percent of the total votes cast in 2018.

Chamisa might think that it is a brilliant plan to brand his new pet political project and make a break with their mother party, but all he is doing is papering over cracks.

When his project begins to sink, the rats will jump ship soon enough, as they always do.

Kumagumo kunenyaya.

Bishop out!