To my so-called wife . . .

Ann Ruthenburg : Marriage Doctor

Hello there readers, how are you all this week? Thank you everyone out there who wrote in response to the ladies letter last week to her husband. Very strong letter indeed, but she was being honest. Many of you men wrote to me expressing your sentiments. . .Thank you! One man sent in a letter reciprocating the letter last week, which in essence spoke what many of your men had written. Here it is. . .TO MY SO-CALLED WIFE. . .

It is such a shame that you have had to resort to publicly humiliate me by sending your thoughts to the newspaper for all to read, instead of just acting maturely and speaking to me. In fact, there are traditional steps that you should know to go through to solve our issues. But since you resorted to this action, I shall respond.

First, you have no right to attack me for the bride price I paid. You know full well that your parents unashamedly announced that “our daughter is worth so many cows”. On top of that price, I paid a whole lot of money to thank them for raising you up especially your mother etc. Do not put that sale issue on me. Your parents sold you to me. I know you are priceless, but they are the ones who put the price on your head, leaving me no choice but to pay it. My dear if you remember, I sweated to pay for you and I still owe quite a bit for you. You in your selfishness have forgotten the price I paid and continue to pay to keep you.

I am glad you remember the days before we were married. You were so free with me, so relaxed, so patient, so loving and so carefree. I would do anything for you, run every time you called, steal for you. I was your everything and you were mine. We dreamt together, we planned together. You supported me in everything, even when I knew I was wrong, you quietly rebuked me in private, but supported me in public. I could do no wrong in your eyes. Now I can do no right in your eyes.

I beg to differ, you are not a reflection of me, you are a reflection of what you perceive and have allowed life stresses to affect your judgement. Will you ever come to a place where as a grown up woman, you admit that you are the one who allowed people to treat you the way you did.

My wife, are you denying that you do not spend too much unproductive time with your friends. How many times do I get home and the girls are in the house, and you greet me rudely, you do not welcome me with your usual smile and beer. You and the girls laugh rudely in the next room. I do not even know if there is dinner ready or anything until you are done. Is that not disrespect? Then when your girls leave, you act funny towards me. You give me attitude, you complain, you are rude. In fact you are happier with them, than with me. How then can I not suspect that you are spending your days talking nonsense with the girls. You treat me like I am a pain, an abuser, a problem.

Could it be also that I claim you are wasting my money because every time you ask for money for specific things, you only buy half the list, then I see other things bought that benefit you only and not the family. Then you are quick to ask for more money for the same things you asked for before. If I question you; you get upset and sulk. Is that fair?

Okay you want me to give you credit for our perfect home or family. But whenever I ask you where a specific shirt or underwear is, what do you say? “Let me ask Sisi.” When dinner is being cooked and I ask what it is, you shout to Sisi what is she cooking. In the morning when the kids are getting ready for school, was it not Sisi who bathed them, dressed them and then walked them to school? Remind me sweetheart which part of growing the kids up, cleaning the house, making sure my clothes are done. . .do you want credit for?

Yes, you are right, I am embarrassed to take you to work functions etc. Can you blame me for that? When we met, I was merely a school boy. Now I am a manager. I have grown over the years and adapted myself to the growth. You on the other hand, continue to live as we did then. I cannot take a village girl to a city event. It sounds cruel, but this is life. I have never stopped you from adapting to the necessary changes we have had in life. And okay maybe I am to blame! Maybe every time you have asked if you can come, I simply say no! And also when you ask for more money to have hair or makeup done, I am not obliging. Maybe at the back of my mind; I think you are too far behind, that you will not be able to match the women at my work place, and so rather than embarrass both of us; I would rather refuse you to come with me.

Many times I look at the wives of my friends and they are not like you are. Yes, there are issues every couple have; but at least these women take initiatives to improve themselves, regardless of whether their men give them money or not. Of course, I have an ego and with it a little jealous, but if you want my support on something, show an initiative and make me see it is to the benefit of both of us and not just you. In time I will be more than willing to support you. And even if I don’t; at least you will have improved yourself.

I do regret the marriage. But I do not regret marrying you, that is the difference. You are always unhappy. I have a hard day at work, when I arrive home, I expect to come to a place, of love, comfort, support etc. But what I get is you complaining about what is broken, what money is needed, what is not paid, what problems the kids have, what issues you and me have. Seriously babe if you were me, would you want to come home to that?

How can you bring God into the story? This is another thing you use to get your way. This is why I do not go to your church. You expose our whole marriage to people in the church. You talk negatively about me. You insist we go for counselling to strangers at your church after you have told them your own side of the story. Then you throw all these things against me from the Bible, yet you do not act at all like what the Bible says a true Christian wife should be. Your attitude, actions and behaviour make me dislike the God you serve. No I am not perfect, but at least I do not act more than I actually am. And at least I do not use God against you.

If you want my dear, I can take you back to your family. Obviously you have forgotten what it was like. But I do not care anymore, if you want to go, say so and I will make the plan. And I do not even care if your father gives the money back either. Also please stop accusing me of having mistresses etc. How can every woman I speak to be my mistress, you are jealous and out of control. And I think you should keep our issues to us and not blame other people for our issues.

Truth is, I still love you because I said I would in my vows years ago. But you are using my short comings against me which is un wifely and ungodly. I am not perfect and neither are you. You think I do not know about those messages you get from other men which are suggestive sexually. But do I make issues no! It is not right!

Do I take some blame for where we are in the marriage? Yes! But you my dear need to acknowledge that you are the other half of the issue.

Putting blame on one is partner ever going to solve anything. Exposing issues publicly before dealing with it personally is not wisdom, and using emotional black mail against your husband is childish and witchcraft.

Your husband.

Wedding Doctor can be contacted at Osprey Villa Luxury Wedding Venue, Penhalonga or messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845.