Online Reporter
Eish bafethu, umjolo this week has been running wild like a kombi with no brakes. We’ve got one sister trapped in a fart-filled marriage with a fake baller, one guy hiding under a bed while his father-in-law goes full WWE, and another chap who got tricked by a pregnancy made from cotton wool. Love is not for the weak. Let’s go straight into this week’s madness before someone else catches feelings and flu together.
My husband is a broke
fraud who scratches
himself like a gorilla!
Dear Bra Binzy,
I am a shattered woman who has been played by a ruthless man. Four years ago, in my final year at university, I met this guy who was always driving the latest cars, always smelt nice and was generous. He even subsidised my school fees and gave me money. I fell head over heels in love and made sure we got married that same year. I even dumped my then boyfriend who did not have much but was very loving and warm.
Now that we live together, the full extent of my husband’s treachery has hit me. He worked at a car sale and did not own the cars he was always driving! He is now a layabout who cannot even buy me pizza. The man is very ugly and I have nightmares thinking I could have children who look like him. He has this nasty habit of always scratching his b***s and farts like an evil spirit when he is asleep. He loves sex to the extent that it is abuse. I think he drinks some of these dangerous aphrodisiacs. I am so fed up with him and I need a way out of this marriage hell. We live in a dingy two-room rented flat and I cannot even have my friends or relatives over to visit because they will laugh at me. My family still think he is rich and think I am refusing to share his riches with them. My boyfriend from varsity is now a fast-rising lawyer and he still seems to love me. I am a very beautiful woman who does not deserve this nonsense that I am living with. Help me Bra Binzy to end this horrible marriage and reunite with my true love before someone steals him.
– Men are trash, Harare
Bra Binzy responds:
Sisi, haa, you didn’t marry a man, you married a fantasy with nice cologne. You saw cars and forgot logic. Now you’re stuck with a broke ball-scratcher who snores like a tractor. You wanted flashy, now you got trashy. Let’s be honest — you traded love for lifestyle, and now life is trading you back to misery. That’s karma’s express delivery. About him drinking aphrodisiacs, maybe he’s trying to prove he’s still “the man” since the money ran out. Either way, that’s not your problem anymore. If you’re serious about leaving, do it clean. Pack your things, stop pretending, and stop lying to your family. And as for the lawyer ex, go slow. Don’t rush to him smelling of regret and old farts. Fix yourself first. You can’t rebuild a future with yesterday’s shame still in your luggage.
I hid under the bed while my father-in-law rocked my small house
Dear Bra Binzy,
Zikhuphani? My father-in-law is a bad man. I recently acquired a small house who told me point blank that she has an older man looking after her. I did not mind because I am also married. This young woman is everything I dream of and sex with her is something out of a dream. I have resorted to giving her half of my salary and cutting expenses at home so that we survive on the other half.
My heartbreaking moment occurred when the old man arrived when I was in her house. I had to hide under the bed. Bra Binzy, up to today I am crying and I do not think I shall ever heal. The old man turned out to be my father-in-law. He made her scream like I have never heard anyone scream, while I hid under the bed. I am so hurt, I feel like I should snitch on him to his wife. The problem is that I would have to explain how I came to know about this thing. Help me Bra Binzy, this man is very, very bad.
– Tears Everyday, Harare
Bra Binzy responds:
Eish mfowethu! You were cheating and still got cheated by fate. You thought you were the player, now you’re the audience. Hiding under a bed while your father-in-law delivers a performance? That’s not heartbreak, that’s humiliation in HD.
You’re crying because you saw yourself in him — both of you are family men misusing your belts. You say you want to report him? He’ll just ask how you know. Are you ready to explain that you were under the bed like a forgotten slipper? No, my guy. Zip that mouth.
Lesson number one: stop giving half your salary to small houses. You’re financing your own downfall. Focus on your home before karma gives you another live show. Next time you want excitement, buy Netflix, not trouble.
She faked a pregnancy
to keep me, then claimed
the baby died
Dear Bra Binzy,
I was dating this girl who pretended to be pregnant when I tried to dump her. She cried, begged and I stayed. I even paid damages and introduced her to my family. Three months later she said she had a miscarriage. Later, a friend told me she was never pregnant — she was using cotton wool to fake symptoms! She says she only lied because she loved me too much. I’m confused. Should I forgive her or move on?
– Confused Romeo, Gweru
Bra Binzy responds:
My guy, that woman deserves an Oscar and a straight jacket. Cotton wool pregnancy? Ahh mfowethu, that’s black belt level witchcraft. You were fooled by a desperate actress, not a lover.
She didn’t lie because of love. She lied because of fear and control. That’s manipulation with bonus madness. You can’t trust someone who can fake life and death in the same story. Run before she fakes your obituary.
Move on. Heal. Next time, demand proof — not WhatsApp pregnancy tests. If she’s really expecting, go to the clinic together. And if a woman starts crying every time you talk about breaking up, record that drama for reference — it’s usually a red flag with lipstick.
Want Bra Binzy to help solve your messy umjolo saga?
Email: [email protected]
Or WhatsApp us on 0776201133 with the hashtag #DearBraBinzy.
