Online Reporter
Eish bafethu, this week umjolo has been misbehaving like a hyena at a wedding. Hearts are breaking, secrets are spilling, and some people are out here confusing witchcraft with romance. We’ve got a sister whose husband is bathing in milk while she can’t afford lotion, a guy whose girlfriend’s twin sister pulled a dangerous bedroom switch, and a woman who discovered her pastor was collecting tithes and thighs. Love, I tell you, is the devil’s playground. Let’s dive straight into this week’s madness before someone catches feelings and fire at the same time.
My husband bathes in milk while I use dishwashing liquid
Dear Bra Binzy,
I’m a married woman from Mutare and I think my husband has lost his mind. He calls himself “an influencer” but all he does is post Bible verses and pictures of himself half-naked in our bathroom. Last month, he bought crates of milk to bathe in “for his skin glow.” Meanwhile, I’m struggling to afford lotion. When I complain, he says I’m not aligned with his “spiritual frequency.”
He now refuses to touch me because he’s “preserving his energy for the chosen.” I once caught him sending milk-bath pictures to a woman in South Africa. He said it was “networking.” Our rent is two months behind, but he just bought a new ring light and some crystals from a sangoma in Mbare. I love him, but I’m tired of living with a man who looks like a beauty product advert and smells like expired yoghurt. Should I leave him or pray harder?
— Tired and Milky, Mutare
BRA BINZY RESPONDS
Eish Sisi, you didn’t marry a man — you married a lactose-based motivational speaker. A whole influencer bathing in milk while you’re stretching dishwashing liquid like lotion? That’s not love, that’s self-worship with bad budgeting.
Let’s start here: that “energy alignment” talk is just fancy cover for laziness and cheating. You can’t pray for someone who replaced common sense with hashtags. The man is broke but brand-conscious — that’s the worst combination.
Don’t waste more milk or tears. You’ve done your part. Tell him if he wants to glow, he can glow at his mother’s house. Then go find your own peace — maybe with a job, a hobby, or a man who bathes like a normal human being.
Her twin sister switched places in bed — now I’m the joke of the year
Dear Bra Binzy,
Bra, I’m finished! My girlfriend has a twin sister who lives in South Africa. She came home for the holidays and one night, after a braai, I had a bit too much whisky. My girlfriend and I went to bed. I remember everything was normal… until I sobered up halfway through and realised the voice wasn’t hers.
Turns out, her twin had switched places as a prank. My girlfriend was recording everything for TikTok! She said they wanted to test if I could “tell the difference.” Now the video has been shared in their group chats and I’m the clown of Bulawayo. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t face my girlfriend. What kind of family does this? I’m broken, Bra Binzy.
— Embarrassed Romeo, Bulawayo
BRA BINZY RESPONDS:
Haiwa mfowethu! You were not just played — you were turned into a lab rat in a love experiment gone wrong. Those twins need deliverance and a strong WiFi disconnection.
That’s not a prank, that’s sexual violation disguised as content creation. Don’t cry about shame — cry about the crime. Go to the police. People think “social media jokes” are harmless, but that nonsense can destroy your mental health and dignity.
And forget that girl. If she can laugh while humiliating you, imagine what she’d do when angry. She’s not your soulmate; she’s your storyline. Heal, report, and block them both. And next time you meet twins, mfowethu, make sure the lights are on and the phone camera is off.
I caught my pastor collecting tithes and thighs
Dear Bra Binzy,
My pastor is a married man who used to counsel me when my husband left for South Africa. Over time, he became more affectionate — long hugs after prayer, late-night calls “to check on my spirit.” One evening, he came to “anoint my new house” and we ended up sleeping together.
Now he’s threatening me to keep quiet, saying it would “damage the ministry.” He sends me verses about forgiveness and tells me God understands. I feel dirty and used. Every Sunday when he preaches, I feel like he’s talking straight to me. I’m even scared to go to church. What should I do, Bra Binzy?
— Ashamed Believer, Gweru
BRA BINZY RESPONDS
Sisi, that man is not a pastor — he’s a predator with a pulpit. He anointed your body, not your house. This is spiritual abuse, not romance. When someone uses God to get into your bed, that’s not love or prophecy, that’s manipulation in holy robes. First thing: cut all contact. Delete, block, and report. Don’t let him use scripture to silence you — the same Bible says wolves wear sheep’s clothing. Confide in another church leader or a women’s rights group. What he did is wrong, full stop. And don’t walk in shame. He’s the one who should be repenting, not you. Remember, God forgives the broken, not the fakers. You deserve peace, not pews filled with guilt.
FINAL WORD FROM BRA BINZY:
Eish bafethu, this week’s umjolo files prove one thing — love can turn holy oil into chaos, milk into madness, and twins into trauma.
So, here’s the gospel according to Bra Binzy: when love starts needing prayer, WiFi, or witchcraft to survive — pack your bags and go.
Until next week, keep your hearts clean, your wallets closed and your eyes wide open.
Want Bra Binzy to fix your umjolo disaster?
Email: [email protected]
WhatsApp: 0776201133 with the hashtag #DearBraBinzy
Stay woke in the jungle of love, bafethu.
