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Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a 19-year-old woman currently working in Harare and studying at the same time. My boyfriend lives in South Africa and we haven’t seen each other for more than three years.
We broke up last year in June and this year we found a way back to each other. However, the road has been bumpy. Of late, he has been finding fault with my body, which he says is too big compared to his. He is suggesting I go to the gym. I initially gave in to his demands and started attending gym. This was until I could no longer afford it. I do not know if this has triggered his current mood swings. He no longer calls and his behaviour has changed. He makes night calls to other people, not me. When I asked him about it, he responded saying that is “often tired and stressed because he wants to pay lobola in December”.
I don’t know what to do any more, help me please.
Response
As usual I continue to discourage long distance relationships, unless both of you are fully committed to each other. Dating plays a very pivotal role in each and every relationship. It’s the only way you get to know about your future spouse and also to bond. You may not get to know everything but you will be able to pick up on most of the things that can help you make an informed decision. Going for three years without seeing each other is hard and can be very frustrating. You are 19 and a big body is not healthy. You did not say how big you are so I am working with assumptions. When you write to my column, give me enough details to help me come up with a fair answer. I think he did well by suggesting you go to the gym if it came from a place of genuine concern. This is the time for him to stand by your side and cheer you on to lose the excess weight. You agreed to do what he suggested but because of financial hardships you failed to soldier on. Some of these things are easier said than done. I don’t understand why he got so angry. If he wants it done right away, he can pay for you. In my view, I think this guy is looking for a reason to end things. My sixth sense tells me that he is not serious. In the meanwhile, I suggest that you exercise and eat healthy. You can lose weight without having to go to the gym. But this is no reason for a break up. Love is a complicated subject because it comes from the heart and it touches on emotions. The only person who can decide to either continue or end things is you.
My boyfriend impregnated another woman
I am a big fan of your column. I’m a 22-year-old girl at a local university. My boyfriend is also a student at another local university. I am writing to you because I am in a difficult situation. My boyfriend recently told me that he got another woman pregnant. I love this guy and I was really disappointed. He went on to tell me that he told this girl’s tete that he will accept responsibility for the child and nothing else. He says he wants to be with me and eventually get married. I do not know how to react. We have not been intimate as I have goals and feel I am not ready to get distracted. I don’t know if this was also a contributing factor to what happened. This has really turned my life upside down. What do you think would be the best course of action for me to take?
Response
After reading your letter I was so downhearted, not because of what is going on but by your lack of reasoning. You are a major at 22 and as a university student I expect you to do better. What you displayed in your letter is proper ‘ECD’ behaviour to say the least. You are overwhelmed with your love for this guy to the extent that you have taken off your thinking cap! He was cheating on you and that’s why he has impregnated another woman. This is no mistake because they never used any form of protection. They were so reckless by not using protection and did not even think about the consequences. He is a student and unemployed but has the audacity to bring an innocent child into the world. He is morally and legally duty bound to be in this unborn child’s life. This already is a challenge. I’m surprised that you are trying to shield him by taking the blame. Saying no to his advances was your personal choice. Hold your head up and continue to say no until you tie the knot. This guy is obviously in trouble with the other girl’s family. I don’t know why you believe that he told vanatete that he has a girlfriend he loves and he is not going to entertain their daughter’s case? Please wake up and smell the coffee. Ko uri kurasika papi nhai? You may say you still love him but he has proved to be a liability. He is a liar and a cheat. Who knows, he may decide to marry the mother of his child. I know how you feel and I do bear with you but for now concentrate on your education so that you don’t lose everything you’ve got going on. Parenthood is a full time job and that’s what your boyfriend is going to be from now going forward. You still need to come up with a decision that won’t hurt you. I wish you all the best.
I’m so undecided
Hello Amai Chisamba, I trust you are well. I am a young lady aged 20. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years and two months now. We go to the same church and that’s how we met. I feel like I am not worth much to him because he never makes time for me. If we do not meet at youth gatherings, we meet at his brother’s work place. Our quality time is often disturbed by clients. He even works on most weekends. He calls and tells me he misses me but never makes an effort to see me. We have never spent even a single day out together. I am growing tired of this. I’m torn now because a pastor from church is asking me out. He is young and vibrant and has more time for me than my actual boyfriend. What must I do?
Response
Hello dear writer. It’s astonishing that you have been dating a guy for two years and two months but you have never been able to spend quality time together. I consider this as time wasted. That’s not what dating means. Is this guy your lover or someone you are just acquainted with? Did he ever tell you that he loved you? There is a huge difference between liking and loving somebody. Which is which in your case? Your set-up shows there is no love at all. He treats you like a beloved sister. I don’t want to put words into your mouth but I am forced to think that you have a crush on this guy. If he has no time for you then why bother? You mentioned the characteristics of the two guys, I think the pastor loves you more. Time is a precious commodity in life so if someone gives you their time, it’s a good sign. If I were in your shoes, I would go for the pastor. He has proposed and is always with you whenever he can. Please make an effort to know as much as possible about the pastor. Spend quality time together but don’t cross the line. Don’t worry about the other guy. I am sure that as soon as you stop calling, he will keep his peace. You don’t owe him anything, just move on. You have to be careful about these relationships, otherwise you will be taken advantage of. Pray for your relationship. There is immense power in prayer. God will give you your heart’s desires. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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