We’re no longer happy lovebirds

Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Have you ever felt like your words are bouncing off a brick wall in a conversation with a loved one? Misunderstandings, frustration and hurt feelings can all stem from lack of effective communication. This week, we republish insightful letters that take a deep dive into the importance of clear and open communication in building strong, lasting relationships.

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Dear Amai, I am writing to you with a heavy heart. I am a 25-year-old guy and I have been dating a woman aged 23 for the last two-and-a-half years. Things were going well and our relationship was widely accepted at college and by our relatives. We were both at a teachers’ college.

She cheated on me and I discovered it. I was devastated because I saw a faithful partner in her; someone fit for marriage.

She confessed before me and her aunt, and also apologised. We have been trying to give it another go, but things are different now. She is secretive; she no longer gives me her phone or posts me on social media. What do you think is the best way going forward?

Response

Hello writer, thanks for writing in. I am sorry that you hit a bump in the road. I think it is not enough to know that she cheated. You need to find out why. Perhaps those are the reasons that are now contributing to her sudden change as well.

On her decision not to give you her phone and not posting you on social media, do not look too much into it. Perhaps she has always wanted a bit of freedom and privacy.

At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to do what they do not want. Until you unearth why she cheated and why things have gone sour, you cannot make an informed decision.

Be prepared for anything. There is a possibility that she has fallen out of love with you.

Have a lengthy talk with her and get all your ducks in a row before moving on to the next stage. I hope you can turn the corner and make it work. You sound like you had something special.

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Communication is not key for my boyfriend

I am a 24-year-old woman and I am dating a man aged 28. We live in the same city and of late we have both become distant towards each other. What makes things worse is we can now go for up to a month without speaking.

I asked him if this is normal and if he can find time to talk to me about it. He keeps saying he will visit me. I asked his brother about it and he told me to stop forcing things.

I have a right to know and I wish he would just tell me if he is no longer interested in me. Please help.

Response

This relationship seems to have hit a rough patch. For starters, your boyfriend needs to know you are not a mind reader. His conduct is unbecoming of a grown man. The same way he expressed his interest in you is the same way he must tell you if he no longer loves you.

It is insane to go for a month without checking on each other, especially when you reside in the same city.

His brother’s response was very candid; perhaps he knows something but haasi muridzi wenyaya.

I do not see this guy ever coming around to really tell you it is over.

If you want closure and freedom to move on, inform him that if he does not find time to talk about it, you are going to consider the relationship over.

This is not love.

I would also want to task you to look back to the time he became distant.

Try and figure out if anything transpired on his side or if you did something that may have agitated him.

It will be like solving pieces of the puzzle and that will help you gain even more closure going forward.

If by any small chance he comes on board, go for relationship counselling.

This relationship, if it is to continue, requires serious work. All parties involved need to improve their communication. I wish you all the best.

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Brother treating me like a stranger

I am a 22-year-old woman and I am very unhappy. My brother is aged 35 and married. No one from our family really likes my sister-in-law, because of her attitude.

Sometime back, he visited our family home in Gweru and asked me if I could join him on his way back to Harare to help out for a month or so until they got a househelp.

My mother refused and I gave many excuses but my father thought it best for me to go. When I got there, my sister-in-law gave me three househelp uniforms.

She proceeded to treat me like a househelp. I am not even staying in the main house.

I told my mom and she had a verbal fight with my brother. I am fed up. I want to leave. My brother says I will only leave when they find a househelp. What kind of nonsense is this?

Response

Let me start by expressing my own displeasure at how your brother is treating you.

Blood is thicker than water.

If they give you uniforms and make you sleep far from the main house, is that their definition of you “helping out”? It is shocking.

They do not even seem like the type to give you a bit of an appreciation package as compensation for your trouble. Go back home.

I am sure your mother will protect you. Your father made the wrong choice and he will have to live with it.

Do not be subjected to more of this second-class citizen treatment.

Shame on your brother for turning his own back on his family.

You deserved better. I hope your departure will be a wake-up call to him.

Be bold in your decision.

You are a major and cannot be held against your will.

If there is any further assistance you need, please inform me.