What causes sexual problems within marriage?

Pastor Kilton Moyo
Those who are married like me and who deal with people issues will agree with me that there seems to be an attack on sex within marriage. Many couples are disappointed in that sex in marriage is not as consistently exciting and refreshing as they thought or desired. Many have for this reason been caught up in extra marital affairs and some have even divorced or done a lot of stupid things in response to their disappointment. Surprisingly, while sex is passive and dead in marriage, it is free for all outside marriage resulting also in serious shame and death to many.

This is what I call an attack on our sexuality as a people. To deliver many from this, there is need therefore to talk about sex openly and educate each other from the word of God —who created sex. Today I just want to share a few things that may cause sexual problems in marriage. This is important so you can handle them and stop fighting your spouse.

Misinformation
Today’s generation thinks they know everything and yet in reality they are seriously misinformed. There is so much ignorance and lack of accurate knowledge about sex among many couples. Many work on misconceptions and taboos that they had while growing up and have never had time to consciously seek to know more about sex. The challenge is also that we want to have sex and do not want to talk it or about it. Sex education is randomly taught and is gathered from a variety of sources most of which are corrupted to suit some deadly agenda.

As a result we are left confused and operating on distorted fantasies, erotic experiments and unrealistic expectations. We miss the simple basic that men and women are sexually aroused in different ways. I believe that couples must learn the knowledge of love making and not rely only on their natural sexual instincts for guidance. Couples ought to be learners so they can enjoy what God has rightfully given them. Ignorance is poison to progress.

Pornography
Watching pornography will always interfere with the sexual intimacy of your marriage. It takes away your interest from your spouse and poisons your mind. It is not arousing you for your spouse but for yourself and what you are watching. Infact you are abusing your sexual passion and urge and that is why you are facing problems intimating with your spouse. Unfortunately these days both men and women are slaves of this demonic doctrine and they need serious help.

Cultural values and attitudes
Did you know that the society where you grew up did shape and mould your sexual attitudes and behaviour? What you had and saw and were taught on sex is what you are probably practicing now. If you learnt like we did that it is taboo to talk sex, you are still holding onto that and you cannot even talk sex language with your spouse.
If you learnt that you cannot bath with boys or girls, you are failing to take a bath with your spouse now. I am giving examples here. How many of us couples struggle with such simple things because it is our “culture”. My biggest challenge is serious lack of romance in our culture which is affecting both men and women in marriage. Marriage life is dull because couples are just without creativity and play anymore. Couples need to de-learn some things and learn openness about their sexual life in order to renew, enrich and enjoy.

Busy lifestyles
Too many of us as couples are too busy. We get home exhausted, needing nothing else but sleep. In the innocence of our busy lives and fatigued bodies we have harmed our sexual relationships in marriage. Apart from work, there are the demands of parenting, church activities and many other pressures that push us into time-starved lifestyles. When this pressurised interest in sexual intercourse decline, prolonged stress in men will sharply decrease the level of testosterone, the primary male hormone.
When distracted in this manner, many men would rather sleep or watch late night shows than make love to their wives. Exciting and pleasurable intercourse requires physical and mental energy. You will be surprised how many couples quarrel over this area and instead of assisting each other they fight and blame.

Beloved, having knowledge is having power. Instead of fighting your spouse over these things, seek to understand why. You both need more love for one another than blame. Ignorant spouses blame each other, fight and divorce even over simple things. The challenges in the sexual life in marriage can be overcome if couples are willing to invest in knowledge and not in conflict and divorce.

Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment program and is a pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsap on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841. [email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>