What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is the infliction of pain by a spouse or other member of the family on a survivor. Survivors of family violence live in fear for their safety and their life. They live in fear that they will not be able to prevent or avoid future violence. Family violence can happen to anyone, regardless of race, class, economic status or religion.

At the heart of the violence, is the abuser’s desire to have power and control over his or her partner.

Forms of family violence
Physical abuse: Includes among other things pushing, shoving, grabbing, punching, kicking, pulling hair, choking, using weapons to cause injury, threats of using physical violence, femicide, murder or suicide.

Emotional/Psychological abuse: Include causing public humiliation, constant criticism, insults, threats, shouting, or using offensive language, refusing to talk for periods of time, restriction of freedom, excessive jealousy, preventing one from visiting or communicating with his/her family, promiscuity.

Economic abuse: Include keeping one in short of money for basic family needs, preventing one from getting a job, preventing one from keeping earnings, making major financial decisions without consulting another, controlling all the money, undermining ones effort to improve education, spending money on things on only one’s wants.

Sexual abuse: includes pressuring or forcing you to have sex, forcing you to have sex after abusing you, forcing you to engage in unpleasant or distasteful sexual acts, intentionally causing pain during sex, preventing spouse from using protection or birth control, exposing one to STIs or HIV and Aids, partner having sex with other people.

The cycle of abuse
It shows how violence can become a pattern.

(i) Tension building: There is criticism, coercion, threats, yelling, sue of angry gestures or swearing.

(ii) Violence: The tension erupts in a violent attack

(iii) Honeymoon period: The abuser apologises for the violence, promises to change, and gives gifts.

It is often difficult to end the cycle of violence because you may love your partner, hope that he/she will change, fear that the violence will become worse or no one will help, deny that the abuse is occurring, or depend on the abuser for financial support.

Facts about family violence
Abuse and jealous are not signs of love.

Women are adults and do not need to be disciplined with beating

Family violence cut across the boundaries of education, income, social status, race, religion as such any one can experience violence.

Violence does not solve problems instead it worsens

Violence prevents good communication

It is not part of the traditional culture to use violence.

Abuse is painful and humiliating.

Impact of domestic violence

On individual: suicide attempts, low self esteem, poor ability to look after children, poor work performance, failure to communicate with relatives, friends, and workmates.

May turn to drugs or alcohol, serious disabilities, continuous headaches, high blood pressure or other health problems, death.

On the child: Poor health, poor growth, poor performance at school, poor relationship with other children, being overly withdrawn or overly aggressive, will learn to accept abuse or be abusive when they are adults, a child is emotionally abused when seeing, hearing or knowing the parents are abusing each other.

On society: Economic costs include days missed from work due to ill health, wasted resources of police, medial workers, judiciary and social services, prevent proper involvement of all in development process, dysfunctional society due to general acceptance/ experience of violence.

What to do if being abused
Affirm your own worth: believe you are not to be blamed for the abuse.

Talk to someone you trust

Get help

Go to police

Go to Msasa project or similar organisation

How can you help end violence?

Promote domestic violence education in your community.

Discourage friends who are violent in their homes.

Encourage people to see that every person is worthy of respect.

Encourage good communication in your family. Do not yell, hit or insult when you disagree.

Do not use violence to discipline your children. We learn to accept violence and to be violent when we are young.

Here is how to help a friend?

Approach her in an understanding, non-blaming way. Tell her/him is not alone and there are many people in her

same situation, and that it takes strength to survive and trust someone enough to talk about her experiences.

Acknowledge that it is scary and difficult to talk about domestic violence.

Tell s/he does not deserve to be threatened or beaten. Assure her she is not responsible for her partners’ behaviour. Nothing can make abuse ok.

Share information with her. Support her/him as a friend by being a good listener and encouraging her/him to express her hurt anger.

Allow her to make her own decisions. Don’t give him/ her unwanted advice. Respect him/her decisions.

Ask her she has experienced physical harm. Go with her to the clinic to check for injuries. Help her to report the assault to the police is he/she chooses to do so.

Provide information on help that is available and includes women’s organisations, social services, emergency shelter, counselling services and legal advice.

Inform him/her that legal protection is available. She /he can receive legal assistance in all police stations. Visit with him/her to the district or magistrates’ court to get a protection order to prevent further harassment by the abuser