adminAnne Ruthenburg Marriage Doc
HELLO there readers, I hope you are all well. With the holidays coming up, I want to remind you all to drive safely and take care of each other. This week is very different, I received this letter from a lady who is terribly desperate. After reading the whole thing, I realised there is so much in here to answer. I also realised she is going through different situations many of our readers go through, so I decided to publish it in its unedited version.
Then I shall answer each issue each week as best I can with the hope she will take things seriously and get help. I would also like those people out there who can assist to please send me a message with details so I can forward them to her. And if the husband is reading this, all I can say is God have mercy on you because this is not right.
Hie Anne. Hw are you? I read your articles evertym I get hold of the Manica Post. I love it. I’m a lady aged 27 married with two kids. Well I’m writing bcz I need advice on hw to deal with my current situation. I got married wen I was 20. And before tht I told my husband who was then my b.f tht I wanted to wait bcz I needed to go to school college. I was young and had no idea tht man can b such horrible liars. I come frm a very loving home. My father was my biggest cheer leader. He believed in me. So my then b.f told me tht he wasn’t gonn stop me frm doing wat I wanted. I believed him and I turned my back on th place tht I was abt to get at Harare Poly technic and also another possible place to train as a nurse. I turned my back on those for his words. When he came to pay lobola (wc wasn’t much) my father asked him wat his plans were concerning my education bcz he wanted his daughter to continue with school and he told him he was gonna take me to school.We got married and things changed almost immediately. The abuse started and school plans were shelved. I’ve been abused physically mentally emotionaly and verbally. My self esteem and confidence are at zero. U knw hw pple always say hang in there. It’ll b fine. Think abt the kids. By then I had one child. I continued being abused even during pregnancy. I remember he beat me up two days in a row when I was abt to give birth to my first born but then I neva told anyone. My father died the year I got married. It continued and I was a house wife. If I brought up the school issue we wud end up quarrelling. And then in 2011 I decided to leave. I really wanted to do something with my life but he followed me to my mum’s house and promised tht he waz gonn make it work this time. I believed him. I went back with him but the biggest reason I went back was bcz I discovered I was pregnant. Omg!
U have no idea hw broken I was but I thank God for my son. I put Xul plans on hold cz of th new baby but for a while he kept saying he was gonn take me to school. This man cheats, does wateva he wants. When he goes out sometimes he doesn’t come home until th next morning. But surprisingly I’m th one thts always being accused of being unfaithful. The worst thong he dd was he wud beat me and then have sex with me right after. I was afraid to say no cz I was afraid of being beaten again. So last yr I had enough of it and decided tht I was gonn go to school. I told him and he started to threaten me saying if u go to school u go back to your mother’s house and honestly I cldnt care less. My mother is a civil servant but she is prepared to walk on fire to see me do something with my life. Right now I’m supplementing mathematics and she’s paying. This man is such a master mind manipulator and the sad thing I’ve been with the nonsense for too long its beginning to look normal. Its sad. As I write this I so want to leave thus guy but I dnt have th courage to do so. Now I havasi decided I’m gonn give it my all. I’ve applied to some nursing schools and I might get a place at one of th xuls I’ve applied to but he won’t have it and I jus dnt care. I wanna do this and I’m gonn go for it and I’m gonn give it my best and I’m gonn continue advancing my education. So now he’s seen I’m serious and h started to say look for something else tht u do cmng frm home and trying to manipulate me using th kids.hanzi hee vana. U wanna leave your kids this and tht. And he also said I wanna make u a director for this shelf company tht I bought. I dnt believe him and I’m not interested. I knw I can do so much more without him cz th only thing he can do is hold me back bcz th sky is th limit for me. I’m doing this so I can take care of myself and th kids if anything happen but he doesn’t wanna hear tht. He always says why do u think I will die first and I’m like its not tht.but we dnt knw wat tmrw holds. This tym I’m determined. Chinouya chinoona inini.
Wat I’m afraid of is his paranoia. Haaa Anne th guy is paranoid and insecure its so sad. He controls my dressing but doesn’t buy the clothes. Wen in twn and sees someone dressed a certain way hanzi I want u to dress like tht. Like honestly. Time with my family haatombofare. I have a sister who lives out of Mutare and she came sometime and asked me to help her with shopping. I told him and he went crazy.cnt your sister do her own shopping. Hee this and tht. He wldnt stop calling. Every otha min he’s calling “are u dons yet? Are you done yet? “A lot of things have happened. Painful things but now I’m jus dead inside. I feel nothing. No hate no anger no love for him. Nothing! Sex has become boring for me and he’s noticed and then he complains. He keeps tlking s*** to me. Hurtful demeaning things and the next min expects me to act like everything is okay. I’ve been put down I’ve been discouraged ivd lost my self esteem but Im ready to go out there and get an education. I dnt wanna b a stereotype. U knw hw women always say ndofira pano.mostly I think women jus put up with nonsense bcz thy dnt have a choice and its mostly bcz thy are not educated or they are afraid of just doing it for themselves. I dnt wanna b a part of tht fixed picture. I wanna go out there and get it.I wanna leave this guy but hey dnt even knw why I’m still here. Help
That is the letter I received readers. It is painful for me to read. It is not fair that people do things to the one they say they love like this.
I also know that sadly this is the norm for many married women. What I see here unfortunately is both the wife and husband need a lot of serious therapy. To the wife who sent me this letter, please could you send me your contact details so that I can refer you to people who can help you one on one. My advice is limited because it is public, but you need support physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally my dear so that you and or you husband can move on to become normal. This relationship is highly abnormal and unhealthy in all forms, not just for you and him but majorly for your kids.
As I said before, I will endeavour to answer you in the next two or so weeks as best I can. I pray Gods covering over you over this time. I also advice you to continue being wise with each decision you make every day.
Until next week, God bless.
◆ Marriage Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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