When not to get married

Hello there, everyone, hope you had a wonderful week. The heat has been terrible, but we must be grateful we have had some rain here and there. This week I am answering Menelisi, who says that his sister is preparing for her wedding, but she has started to share some concerns about marrying her man. He asked if I could give some tips on when not to get married.

The sad thing about the way people get married these days, is they put lots of energy into the actual wedding day, mistaking it for the marriage. Then when they get married reality hits them and they spend the rest of their days wondering why they got married in the first place.

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. But not every marriage is meant to have happened either ever or in the season. Here are some simple danger signs to help you out before you make that major decision.. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved or get yourselves into pre-marital counselling. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

Marrying to get out of the house.
This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Women mostly are prone to this. I have spoken to so any teenagers or young adults who cannot wait to get out of the house and get married. Some find themselves out of the house before time and the issue is usually a guy; the end result is the girl decides to chase behind the guy (who usually is not wanting to marry her), she ends up falling pregnant and you know the rest. Please remember that being homeless or being in an abusive home is no reason to get married – get counselling or get help. There are many other options out there for you.

No one better will ask me to marry him/her.
This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true self. You cannot get into a marriage expecting your partner to feed your unstable emotional being. You also cannot expect your partner to meet your emotional needs alone. You need to get into a marriage with something to give, and the other person also comes in with something to give. That’s a healthy marriage. When you get into a marriage wanting to get all the time, that’s the beginning of the end of your marriage. Postponing or cancelling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counselling can help, too.

It’s just time to get married.
Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person. In Africa we are surrounded by culture that tells us when and how the right time is to get married. But as much as I respect culture; things are changing and people no longer have the luxury of waking up one day and being told you must get married before turn 25 or something. There are far too many wrong people getting married at the right time; and right people getting married at the wrong time. Both are heading for a disaster. Take your time, when you are ready you will know it and when your partner is ready too you will know it.

Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.
Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop. If you are being abused even lightly before the wedding, trust me it increases when you are married.

I stay next door to a young married couple who fight physically every weekend. She has a new born baby so it crushes me every time I hear this young girl scream her heart out when she is being beaten. She married him for security, he married her so he could stay in the country (foreign). Now they are both unhappy and in time one of them is going to make a fateful mistake which may end the others life or even the baby’s life. You ask why don’t we do anything about it – we have tried. Police, counsellors, friends etc. the woman denies it when she is asked and he threatens everyone when he is asked. So now people say “she laid her bed now she must sleep in it”. Sad! She is now another statistic of someone who marries someone who has issues promising to change when they are married.

You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include: One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries. Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind. You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.

You become careless with important relationships.
You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs —not with you! They are cheating on your except it’s not with another person it is with a substance.

Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.