Online Reporter
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube
THE advent of the coronavirus changed the world into a new configuration to which we were unaccustomed. It exposed challenges that many had never anticipated. The pandemic brought with it not only the loss of lives, widespread anxiety and fear, but also a disturbing rise in domestic violence, including gender based violence.
Shattered interpersonal relationships, diminishing affection, and acts of infidelity became some of the factors that undermined the sense of peace that homes are meant to provide.
The escalation of violence did not spare involuntarily childless women. For many, the situation became even more complex. One study revealed that in some patriarchal nuclear families, several women “get their emotional needs met primarily in the context of their relationships with their children rather than their emotionally absent husbands.” In this context, childless women experience profound emotional pain when exposed to violence. They are left with no refuge. Lockdowns confined them to abuse with no alternative safe space to turn to.
As an advocate for love within homes, I offer a word to husbands. The cry of a wife confined to an abusive environment is a cry for love. She longs for someone who appreciates her, someone who cherishes her not “because of” but “in spite of.” Her home should be a sanctuary, not a lion’s den tearing apart a woman already burdened with stigma and discrimination. Speaking to couples, Dave Willis said, “Love your spouse more than you love your career, hobbies and money. That other stuff can’t love you back.” To love one’s wife is to be fully and emotionally present.
While it is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, an emotionally absent husband leaves his wife feeling unloved and worthless. In a pronatalist society, only a supportive husband can provide the emotional anchorage that is desperately needed. In doing so, he becomes like a bandage holding the home together, soothing the deep wounds caused by childlessness. This allows him to occupy his wife’s sacred space with dignity and to respond compassionately to her unspoken needs. Abuse is not confined to childless couples, nor is it limited to women. Men, too, experience significant levels of abuse. The Chronicle reported that “Domestic violence cases increased by more than 100 percent during the Covid-19 induced national lockdown with men among the affected.”
An emotionally abusive spouse creates a home defined by hostility. Silent treatment, gaslighting, intolerance, and ruthlessness become the pillars of the household. In such environments, the workplace often becomes more tolerable than the home.
In my clinical pastoral practice as a healthcare chaplain, I developed the LOVE Spiritual Care Model as a tool for supporting patients and clients. Spouses can apply this model within their marriages. It is inspired by how Jesus responded to those in need of His care. I have also found it valuable in supporting my wife during her difficult moments.
The LOVE Care Model in marriage
L – “Link up” with my wife
This means being meaningfully connected to my wife. When she accepted me as her life partner, she invited me into her sacred emotional space and entrusted me with her heart. It is painful when such trust is taken lightly through emotional unavailability. The opposite of linking up is what I call “absent presence”— being physically present yet emotionally detached. The true key to connection is emotional availability.
O – Observe her emotional, physical, and psychological well-being
This involves attentiveness. What challenges does she seem to be facing? What shifts do I notice in her demeanour?
V – Verification of observations through meaningful questions
Examples include:
Why do you look sad?
I see tears, may I understand their meaning?
Am I hearing you say that you are regretting?
Such questions guide the development of appropriate goals and plans of care.
E – Empower my wife to view childlessness in a positive light
I affirm her, and I help her to affirm herself. I remind her that she is extraordinary, unique, born to excel, and fashioned by the Creator of the universe. Empowerment restores dignity and strengthens emotional resilience.
Thinking and praying about the plight of childless women who were locked down in abusive situations during the pandemic, I wrote a poem dedicated to them. It is titled: When Work is Well and Home is Hell. A loving husband strives to make home as fulfilling as work.
WHEN WORK IS WELL AND HOME IS HELL
Once I was one among millions
Promised to enjoy love for aeons
And countless resting pavilions
Now sorrows come in their battalions
While captured in a den of lions
When work is well and home is hell
Had I such wonderful intelligence
I’d painfully paint this malignance
Locked down in a storm of violence
Going down with a man of arrogance
Whose eyes beam with malevolence
To his side dishes giving assurance
My marriage hangs in the balance
I’m just keeping an appearance
Yet my heart is wrecked by torrents
When work is well and home is hell
Oh yes, I am always crying
Bleeding with endless groaning
Of things truly disappointing
Sinking under deep yearning
For peace, I am always longing
Of that time when I will be singing
When work was well and home was hell
None could even tell of the ditches into which I fell
Then work was well as home’s hell bid farewell
May home be well as work is well
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.
