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Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Hello amai. I hope you are well. I am a 21-year-old girl and I live at my workplace. I sell goods in a tuckshop. At the house where I stay, there are also mamwe maroja. One of them is a guy I have dated and broken up with several times because he is immature and very violent.
He easily gets jealous. As a store clerk, it is my job to be friendly with customers, but he does not seem to understand that.
He often comes to me in the morning, crying and begging me to take him back. He also told my boss that he loves me and has great plans for me.
I do not know whether I should take him back or not because now I am seeing an older, mature and well-off guy. My only problem with him is that he is always drunk. I do not know whom to pick. They are both interested in marrying me.
Response
Hello writer. I am very well and thanks for asking. When I read your letter I said to myself, ‘why is this girl rushing?’ You are only 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you.
Do not be so enticed by the verbal promise of marriage. Some talk the talk and never walk the walk. Some of these guys will tell you whatever you want to hear. These men both have terrible traits.
One is immature, violent and jealous, while the other is never in his right state of mind. What do you lose by looking for a partner with more favourable traits? Yes, compromising is good, but even so tinoda pekutangira parinani. Take it easy. Great haste makes great waste!
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I feel like a bird in a cage
I am a 28-year-old lady and I live with my relatives. I do not think my family realises how old I am. I am not allowed to follow my dreams and passion. I am always locked away at home. I rarely go out and it affects my social life.
I want to meet interesting people but at this rate, I doubt I ever will. I cannot go out for more than an hour; they will already be on my case. I do not want to have relationships over the phone in 2020. How best do you think I can break out of this bubble?
Response
Let me dive right in. You are a mature lady now. At your age, I would think they would allow you more free play. Did you do anything to make them doubt you? Perhaps in the past?
Unfortunately, you are still under their roof and must abide by their rules. To enjoy true independence, you must try to make something of yourself and eventually start your own life. You can also try and confide in other relatives you trust, family, friends or even a pastor and let them know of your dilemma.
They may negotiate better and more favourable terms on your behalf. Please tell me how it goes. I would be happy to see the caged bird take flight.
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I bit off more than I can chew
Hi amai. I find myself in a jam. I am in a relationship, but I went outside of it (long-term relationship) and began cheating. When I was fed up with it, I came clean and told this other woman that I was cheating on my partner. Now she is pestering me and refusing to let go. I want to try and make my old relationship work. Please, help me. I know what I did was wrong and in all honesty, I did not expect it to have serious ripple effects.
Response
Dear writer, I have read your letter and indeed you are right. This is a very difficult situation, even though it is self-inflicted. What drove you to cheat and what made you fed up with this other woman? This is what happens when you play with emotions.
I do not think you care about either of these women because your actions are self-seeking. You must also come clean to your long-term partner, and then her healing process may begin. Ultimately, it may be up to her to decide if she wants to continue being in a relationship with you or not since you fell off the wagon. As far as ripple effects are concerned, this woman may continue to act out.
You need to stand your ground and tell her it is really over. Was she aware you were in another relationship?
Multiple partner setups are not good in the wake of STIs and HIV. I think you and your partner also need professional counselling. Come clean and try and work through it. I hope seeing what cheating brings about will dissuade you from doing it again.
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