Online Reporter
Rodgers Irimayi
Cultural Perspectives
THERE is a general trend of conflicts developing between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law which if unchecked result in uncomfortable relations among family members.
There are rare cases where the father-in-law fights with the daughter-in law, the bout is always between the women.
Let us explore some of the potential causes of this sour relationship which is capable of destroying marriages if not resolved amicably.
There are societal expectations which tie a married woman to her home where she is bound to fulfil certain traditional roles.
Daughters-in-law may feel stressed or pressured to meet these expectations.
As she enters marriage, the woman is often expected to manage household responsibilities and care for every family member in a certain way.
She takes the motherly role which puts her in the mother-in-law’s shoes, and is expected to manage and maintain family relationships.
If she does not fit squarely in these shoes, then the probability of conflict with family members rises especially the mother-in-law.
Cultural differences may contribute to misunderstandings where different values and beliefs are concerned.
Issues to do with differences in religious backgrounds may cause friction where the daughter-in-law prefers to maintain her own church.
In most cases, families expect their children to maintain going to the church they grew up in.
Most churches encourage marriages to be within the same church to avoid potential future conflicts. So if one marries outside church, the expectation is that the woman should be converted into her husband’s church, which might not always be the case.
There are some family dynamics which have to be considered and understood particularly the mother-son relationship. Some mothers may have strong bonds with their sons which may also lead to potential conflicts with daughters-in-law. The blood relationship between mother and her son can never be taken for granted or doubted. It is real unlike the father-son relationship which might require DNA testing to establish paternity.
Some sons become so attached to their mothers that it blinds them and any other relationship becomes a threat.
There is a trending story of a Nigerian football star from the Super Eagles, Victor Boniface, who cancelled his wedding over asset dispute.
The issue of property rights brewed a potential feud between the footballer’s
mother and his fiance.
The girlfriend had discovered that his wealth and assets were not registered in his
own name, but in his mother’s. Boniface’s partner unraveled during wedding
preparations that all his property which included houses, cars, and other
investments were legally documented in his mother’s name.
Sometimes emotional factors are considered as causes of conflict where mothers develop
jealousy and become insecure about their son’s relationship with his wife. If
children become well off and have better lives than their own parents, it might
trigger resentment which may also destroy family relations.
Where the son is the bread-winner in the family, his getting married might mean loss
of support as his focus might concentrate on his own new family. The usual
groceries may stop coming their way if the daughter-in-law decides otherwise. Some
sisters-in-law support their mothers against daughters-in-law which further
complicates relations.
In some cases, mothers-in-law may overstep boundaries, while daughters-in-law may
feel intruded upon.
If mothers over-protect their sons, they might end up trending in territories
where they are not supposed to be.
A mother cannot just take things from his son’s home without consulting the
daughter-in-law even if she might have been used to do that when the son was
still a bachelor. It just has to end because the son now has a wife. Where the
mother used to override decisions over her son, the coming of another woman
draws new boundaries which may not be comfortable with her.
Generational gap and differences in parenting styles may be another source of conflict.
Mothers may have traditional parenting styles, while daughters-in-law may have
modern approaches.
The young generation prefers the nucleus family standards where they train their
children independently. The older parents may be irked as they view the new parenting
styles as lacking in proper training when dealing with children.
Where there is poor communication between mothers and their daughters-in-law, misunderstandings
arise even earlier than anticipated, and these may lead to serious conflicts.
There is need for maintaining open and honest communication which allows for
resolving issues that may arise.
Communication bridges gaps and helps in developing more positive and supportive relationships
in the family.
Although adjusting to the new family setup may be challenging, there is need to allow
both women periods for fine-tuning and accepting new family dynamics. The
fine-tuning period also defines the new roles and responsibilities for the
mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. They both have to learn to respect
boundaries and give each other space.
The most effective way to build a relationship is by trying to understand each
other’s perspectives and feelings. To achieve this, the two need to spend
quality time together to build a positive relationship. There is need to
respect, accept and appreciate each other in order to strengthen the unity of
the family.
Rodgers Irimayi is the Ministry of Information, Publicity and Broadcasting Services
Masvingo Provincial Information Officer. He writes in his personal capacity and
can be contacted on +263778246098 or [email protected]. He can also be
followed on his YouTube channel, Culture Views with Judah Kalispokaz.
